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Date Posted: 16:08:51 11/19/02 Tue
Author: Thurman Skydive
Subject: Crowd Control

(We open up in a busy and bustling shopping mall, it could be anywhere in the USA. Christmas decorations hang from the ceilings and walls, whilst shops are full of apparel for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday.
There are people moving swiftly about everywhere, many doing early Christmas shopping. Finally into view of the camera walks Thurman Skydive. He wears a 'Hardcore Hell 2002' t-shirt, and cups his hands in a square. He appears to be assessing a camera shot, and finally looks at a small child standing behind him...and piefaces the kid to the floor!)

Skydive: Get outta the way kid...you're in my shot!

(The child goes running to his mother...who storms over in a fury. She gets right in Thurman's face, and starts berating him over his treatment of her son...)

Skydive: Easy lady...I think the menopause councilling place is right down that way...

(The look of outrage on the woman's face has to be seen to be believed, and she slaps Skydive hard around the face. Thurman trips over a potted plant standing near his feet...and he sits up on his elbows, a sarcastic grin on his face as the woman walks off clasping her sons hand...)

Skydive: You see what I mean? The people are in outrage!!

(From out of shot, in steps the reporter who has been tailing Thurman for the past week. He has his head in his hands, and looks embarassed to be standing anywhere near the Thurmanator!)

Reporter: Tell me you don't seriously want people to do this! They're not rioting, they're not angry...half of them aren't even moving all that much!

Skydive: You're just looking at the old folks, they tend to move slower than anyone else...but they can still be angry. And why the hell don't you see it you buffoon? Look at these people...they're in uproar! They're ravenous...furious! They can't believe Mike Johnson would be so dumb!

Reporter: They're not...

Skydive: Look at that guy over there...that fat, bald guy. His face is just screaming 'Johnson's retarded!'...

(Thurman turns to the camera man and beckons him into position, before stepping out of shot...)

Skydive: Okay, you've know what you've got to say...get ready...

Reporter: You're not seriousl...

Skydive: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd ACTION!!

Reporter (sounding inredulously unenthusiastic): Greetings loyal MCW fans. I'm here in Kansas City, Missouri where a serious situation has broken out at a local mall...

(The camera zooms in on the crowds of people...who are just shopping.)

Reporter: Jesus Christ...

Skydive: That's blasphemous...now stick to what we rehearsed!

Reporter: As you can see, the Thurmaniacs of Kansas City are wreaking havoc on this mall...

Skydive: You missed out mayhem and destruction...

Reporter: I was getting to that! There is chaos and mayhem all around me here, as the Thurmaniacs riot through and destroy large parts of the mall. Word has it they are enraged by MCW President Mike Johnson's decision to cancel their hero and leader's...

Skydive: It's 'hero, leader, KING AND GOD' you idiot!

Reporter (looking more and more angry): I stand corrected, they are enraged by MCW President Mike Johnson's decision to cancel their hero, leader, king and God's match at the most recent installment of Saturday Nites Main Event.
Skydive was scheduled to compete in a Triple Threat Weapons Cage Match with Minion and Little Man, but in-fighting between the members of Damage Inc. forced Johnson into the decision...which...do I really have to say this?

Skydive: Yes!

Reporter: Which left the MCW show a desolate wreck of it's former self without a Skydive match on the card. I understand we have footage shot just moments ago of a local female Thurmaniac taking out her frustrations on a good looking, local Missourian. His face has been blacked out for legal purposes...

(The shot switches to a clip of the woman slapping Thurman Skydive only minutes earlier, but as promised, Thurman's face has been blacked out. Skydive's body is circled on the screen, and a label appears. It points to Thurman, with the phrase 'Not Thurman Skydive'...Now we go back to the reporter...as the camera zooms in on the 'rioting' crowd as they mundanely go about their business...except for that one man who leans against a pillar with his right index finger in his left nostril)

Reporter: As you can see, the absolute carnage behind us still carries on. With me now is a special guest, the leader of all the Thurmaniacs, and the personification of all that is wonderful with the world, Thurman Skydive. Mr Skydive, what do you have to say about the conduct of your fans?

Skydive: I'd just like to say that I completely condone their actions. I urge people everywhere to go into local malls and ransack shops, burn, loot and pillage. You have a right to feel pissed off, your hero was pulled from the card...go Thurmaniacs of the world...make your feelings known!

Reporter: Right now they don't seem to give a sh*t...

Skydive: Stick to the script or I'll riot all over your damn ass...

Reporter: WHAT? Moving on, what do you say to the allegation that you yourself have no problems with being taken out of the most recent MCW card. After all, you had a smile on your face when Johnson announced you had the night off, and a chance to become Cruiserweight Champion at the pay-per-view...

Skydive: Well Rob..

Reporter: My name's not Rob!

Skydive: You said it was earlier...

Reporter: No...you got it wrong then too!

Skydive: Listen Ezekiel, Frederic, Bob, whatever the hell your name is, nobody gives a crap. They're watching the TV to get a mere glimpse of their idol and favourite MCW superstar...and your taking up my TV time...and too much of my shot. Get your fat gut away from me!

Reporter: The question...

Skydive: Oh yeah...well what you need to realise is that I am on a higher level of intelligence than the majority of the Thurmaniacs...or as I like to say, the majority of the worlds population. These people riot because they don't know any better. They don't have my accutely brilliant foresight, they don't have my mental capacity. They heard Johnson cancel my match, and that was enough to whip then into a frenzy!
Me on the other hand...my opion is it's all cool! I mean, I didn't need to do anything. I had a nice relaxing evening. I got in a few people's faces, wandered around backstage...hit on a couple of women, made a couple of kids pay for my autograph, didn't have to wrestle then walked away with a shot at MCW gold at Hardcore Hell 2002!

Reporter: You must be excited! Your first shot at MCW gold since returning just over two weeks ago!

Skydive: Absolutely! MCW pay-per-view has never been the same my debut at the last one, and I get to prove that as I main event Hardcore...

Reporter: Errr Thurman, you're not main eventing. You know...how the main event is usually reserved for the biggest match of the night. The one the people are absolutely dying to see, the Heavyweight title match...

Skydive: Are you an idiot? Nobody's gonna give a crap about the Heavyweight title! The biggest match of the night - it's the one I'm in. That's the way it goes each and every week. Why the hell do you think the people in Kansas City are so pissed off? It's because I am the entire card...the entire show...I am the f*ckin' MAN!
The match the people are gonna want to see, the match the people will fork out their hard earn dollars for, the match the world will be talking about is Thurman Skydive vs Chris Ceslar vs The Inane for the Cruiserweight title!

Reporter: That's a point of view...

Skydive: That's my point of view - meaning it's the only one that matters. Crap Crap Crappy Chrissy and the touched by God fallen from heaven angel of mercy best be ready to be dragged along on a see of Thurmania, because they are having the single greatest match the world has ever seen...courtesy of the Thurmanator...Thurman Skydive!

Reporter: Aren't you in the least bit worried about who The Unknown really is?

Skydive: Let me think about that...yeeeeeeeeeeee-no! Do I care...no. Do I give a crap...no. Will I be getting down on my knees, looking up to the skies and begging for forgiveness on account of the fact I have a scary mystery dude out to get me...no!

But I tell you what really brought a tear to my eye...what really touched me...The Inane remembers me! He knows who I am...and I can't even begin to explain how much that moves me! Funny thing is, for all these reported 'beatings' we exchanged, it would appear that the one's I gave him were far more severe...the freak show doesn't even know my name.

Reporter: Do you have any idea who it could be?

Skydive: An idea? What the hell do you take me for? A mere man like you or that guy that slapped me...I mean the average looking Missourian earlier? I know who The Inane is!

Reporter: So who is it?

Skydive: Like I'm telling you! I know, and that's good enough for me!

Reporter: You don't know do you?

Skydive: Do...

Reporter: Don't...

Skydive: Do...

Reporter: Moving on...don't you think he sounded a little bit psychotic?

Skydive: As a matter of fact I thought he sounded a lot psychotic. He enjoys getting thrown off tables? He enjoys landing on tacks? Have I apparently bashed him so many times in the skull that he's lost all logic? I'll do that stuff till the bone shows, but love it? I'm not insane!
Fortunately for him, I plan to give him a lot of what he loves so much come Hardcore Hell. It's gonna be a hardcore hell for him inside that cage, and he will have creamed in his little panties by the time I've finished throwing him off ladders, through tables, onto tacks, piledriving him onto open chairs, crushing his craneum with bats...you name it, he'll have got off on it on pay-per-view!

Reporter: What about C4?

Skydive: Good plan! Inane, I'm gonna blow your ass up with explosives too!

Reporter: I was talking about Ceslar!

Skydive: Errr...The dude has a lot of C's in his name. What's that about? If your name is Chris Ceslar, isn't two C's enough already? C's a sh*t letter, why the hell would you want more? C is the spincter of the alphabet for crying out loud!

Reporter: You're criticising the alphabet now? I'm outta here...

(The reporter has snapped with Thurman's ridiculous ranting at last, and he throws his microphone into Skydive's chest, before storming out of view, and presumably out of the mall. This leaves Thurman alone in focus...)

Skydive: Well I thought he'd never leave! Ceslar, Inane, it goes like this. Hardcore Hell, Cruiserweight title on the line. I didn't come back to MCW to lose to a walking vegetable like Deadcell, or be blanked by a guy with his head up his own anus like Cypher. I have not arrived in MCW to be told by Johnson that I can take nights off. Bottom line is I am walking out of Hardcore Hell with that shiny championship belt over my shoulder...or maybe round my waist...or maybe just in my hands. The possibilities are endless, but they don't stretch so far as to seeing either one of you two leaving with the belt.

I am going to pioneer the best damn cruiserweight division in pro-wrestling right here in MCW. I'm gonna innovate more, and do more for this division than anybody else can think possible. You two should be honoured, you've got a part of history in the making. In ten years time when people see MCW and the flourishing cruiserweight division it encompasses, I will be the legend! I'm gonna be the man everyone compares themselves to! Hot new cruiserweights will be refereed to as 'the next Thurman Skydive'! You two will be known as the guys that Thurman beat at the outset of his cruiserweight revolution!

That belt is leaving Hardcore Hell with me. Unknown, you can have your hardcore that you love so much...but if you think there's some kind of happy ending, then you're wrong. If you think there's some kind of glorious title victory as you return to the company...you're wrong. Your more likely to find a title belt by bending over, putting your head between your legs and sucking one out of your ass than you are in Louisiana, on pay-per-view.
I'm evolving the meaning of revolution. Sit back as I lead the Cruiserweight army into the future...with you and Ceslar nothing more than a Privates...

(The camera fades to black as it zooms in on the 'Hardcore Hell 2002' logo on Thurman's shirt...)

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