He-Man: Where Have All The Bathrooms Gone? -- Trouble With Trekkies General Discussion Board

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Date Posted: 13:22:10 11/07/01 Wed
Author: Ringo
Author Host/IP: NoHost / 193.34.231.248
Subject:

He-Man: Where Have All The Bathrooms Gone?

*Panning shot of Snake Mountain. Well, more like a skilleting shot, but you get the picture. All is calm and serene, except for the storm overhead, the rushing of the blood waterfall, and the screams of the prisoners in the dungeons. And then, there's the horrid sound that echoes across the night...*

*Flush*

Evil-Lyn: Christ, Skeletor! Strike a match!
Skeletor (trailing toilet paper from his boot): There's no time! I have to put my newest plan into action! Soon, Eternia will be mine!
Evil-Lyn: Couldn't you at least turn on the fan?
Skeletor: No, you'll just have to get used to the smell, for it is the sweet smell of victory and corn!
Evil-Lyn: That's what you said when we hired Beast Man!
Skeletor: Yes...anyway, come here, for now, He-Man is in the palm of my hands, Grayskull is mine, and Eternia will fall to me! Cackle cackle cackle!

*Panning shot of Adam and Cringer somehow goofing off and being irresponsible.*

Cringer: Adam...do you ever get that...not so fresh feeling?
Adam: Quiet, Cringer! Look, up in the sky, it's a predictable Superman reference, and Zoar!
Cringer: You mean Zo-AR?
Adam: Something like that. It's the spelling that counts, not the pronunciation.
Sorceress (telepathically): Adam, as you know, I have no powers outside of Castle Grayskull's walls!
Adam: And?
Sorceress: And...oh, crap, I knew I should have written it down. Oh, right, there's a terrible peril striking Eternia!
Adam: A peril! Horror!
Sorceress: Yes, you see, Skeletor has cast an evil spell over all of Eternia, and the bathrooms all over the planet have disappeared entirely!
Adam: So what? I've never used a bathroom.
Sorceress: Not on-camera, you haven't, but you must recall what goes on when the camera...is off!
Adam: Holy crap!
Sorceress: No, that's the problem! Without bathrooms, the horribly modest people of Eternia will be unable to function normally! Soon, we will degrade into a society of animals, wallowing in our own fecal matter, for we will have no access to the great bottomless septic tank!
Adam: Darn, and I just ate those bran muffins!
Cringer: I know this great little sandbox...
Adam: What should we do, Sorceress?
Sorceress: Hold on, I've been waiting all day to be able to do this.

*Spgquirtglll*

Adam: That's revolting. And you got it all over my nice clean Attak Trak windshield.
Sorceress: Sorry, bird instinct. Anyway, you must find the Ruby Toilet of Plotdeviceia in the Convolutia river at the very bottom of the Shallow Valley in the Anythingforabuck Mountains! Only then can you restore peace, tranquility, and sanitation to Eternia! Only then will the people of Eternia be able to relax and not jump up and down with their legs crossed!
Adam: For that, we'll need He-Man! By the Power of Grayskull, I Have the Power!
Battle Cat: Growl incoherently!
He-Man: Let's ride, Cat! Forward, in the direction in front of us!
Battle Cat: Roar!

*Cut past the middle of the story*

He-Man: Well, it was touch-and-go for awhile there, but we finally defeated the Troll Giants and the Amazon Warriors of the Planet Scantil, and settled the debate of whether or not I was more powerful than Superman. It was a long and tough fight, but it was clear, much to the dismay of many fanboys, who the winner was.
Battle Cat: It certainly was an unexpected outcome. I just hope my newborn mutant son learns to fly again. He has a lot of spunk, that boy.
He-Man: Anyway, here we are at the bank of the Convolutia River. It shouldn't be too hard to find the Ruby Toilet now.
Skeletor: That's where you're wrong, He-Man!
Evil-Lyn: Um...Skeletor, I'm going to be in those bushes if you need me.
Skeletor: Pathetic woman, your bladder is weak and flabby! Anyway, He-Man, you cannot defeat me! Listen to the sound of the rushing water of the Convolutia River! It will sap your will and strength!
He-Man: He's right...the urge...too strong...must tinkle!
Skeletor: Hahahaha! I will finally win!
He-Man: I only have one chance...I must...reach...the toilet!
Skeletor: You'll never make it in time!
*He-Man dives into the river, swimming against the warm current toward the Cave of the Ruby Toilet of Plotdeviceia*
He-Man: Warm water...so hard to resist...must hold it in...
*He-Man reaches the cave, only to find that the Stall of Obstaclus is locked from the inside, and he cannot get to the Ruby Toilet inside. But, conveniently to the left of the stall is the Urinal of Plottwistor!*
He-Man: Such a decision...must choose...
*He runs to the urinal and unzips the hidden fly in his furry underwear. He lets loose, finishes a few minutes later, and suddenly realises the danger.*
He-Man: The laser sensor! If I move away, it will fire, but unless I unlock the power of the Ruby Toilet, Eternia will suffer of burning pain and gas for all eternity!
*He forms a plan, and quickly picks up the urinal cake, thrusting it into the path of the laser sensor. He ducks out of the way and the fresh-smelling disc is disintegrated, but He-Man is unharmed!*
He-Man: Now, to slip under the door of the Stall, unlock it, and free the toilet!
*See above*

*FLUSH-USH-ush-ush-ush...*

Skeletor: Drat! All my plans of reducing Eternia to bush-crouching leaf-wipers laid to waste! I'll get you for this, He-Man! Hackneyed villainous threat! If it's the last thing I do!

*Skeletor retreats, Lyn is too busy realizing that her 'toilet paper' was poison ivy.*

He-Man: Now, all is safe on Eternia, but I must wash my hands before returning to work.
*He-Man washes his hands, but discovers there's no liquid soap in the convenient liquid soap dispenser*
He-Man: Skeletor!!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Um...right. I'm sorry, I think I'm suffering from caffeine withdrawl.

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