Re: continuation of that last post -- Badhbh's Lair

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Date Posted: 16:06:32 09/25/03 Thu
Author: Badhbh
Subject: Re: continuation of that last post
In reply to: Chrome 's message, "continuation of that last post" on 16:53:49 09/24/03 Wed

Well, it's not bad.. not the very best writing I've ever read, but part of that is my personal tastes. I prefer a bit more detail with interesting descriptions and varied sentence structures and words.
But that is my personal preference, just curious, but what authors do you like?
Hmm..well..
You could use a few less sentences starting with He. In the first paragraph you have five sentences starting with He and two with Maybe. This being your first paragraph, you really want to use it to catch the attention of the reader, convince them to keep reading.

You might try describing him in there somewhere, after all, he is the main character, and the reader would probably like a good mental picture of the story's hero.
If you don't want to cram that into the first few paragraphs, you might try a place where he would be considering himself, such as a mirror in his house or something to lead into a description.

A really good way to portray a certain emotion is to describe it visually to the readers. Chrome starts out as a stranger to them, they don't know him or his backround, by describing his emotions physically they can picture him a bit better. Later on when he is more personally known to the reader, statement of his internal emotions will be easier to imagine.

You visually describe some areas pretty well, like the hovercraft ride from the spaceport to Ta'vari, I liked that.. You might consider adding description to the other senses as well, which really enhances the picture. The smell, feel, sound. You have used touch somewhat, like when describing the trigger of the guns.. And more of that would be nice.
There are upteen number of ways to describe something, not only the feel with your hands, but under your feet or face or arm, whatever is touching the object. You could describe the smell of the Tanari air, or the new house, or the gardens, or even a ship. The sound of the hangar, the hologram room, the forest, the ship, a hall full of people.
This improves the imaginative location and makes it more believable to the reader. That is when the reader gets lost in the book..and forgets about where they are.

;o) Just a little evaluation. Those are just a few suggestions to take or leave as you like..
Also,there is a little snippet I wrote a while ago.. I wouldn't say it's my very best, but it might give you a coherent example of what I was talking about.

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Replies:

thanks -- Chrome, 16:24:32 09/25/03 Thu