| Subject: The Road to Christmas Chaos (more british humour) |
Author:
Sir Max Payne
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Date Posted: 16:42:41 12/22/01 Sat
(The scene opens to the sight of the open road. In a small busy town with the road being quite busy. Then into the shot comes a british made Bently Azure.)
(The dark brown $200,000 Vehicle's engine roars as it bursts down the wrong side of the road! Sir Max is driving on the left hand side of the road, just like they do back home in england. An 18 wheeler pulls its horn and Sir Max darts back onto the right side of the road! Max Starts talking to himself.)
MAX - BUGGER YOU !!! i hate this backwards country so much. I knew i should have taken the jet like the other superstars in the WCHW. I guess i'll make it to Christmas Choas early in this bloody fast car!
(Sir Max turns on the radio and out blasts Eminem.)
MAX - What the bloody hell is this!?! Oh my god how rude! This is disgusting!
(Sir Max Turns off the radio in disguste. He takes out a CD from his travel bag, and sticks it in his 12 CD multichanger. Its the british national anthem! He sits there and sings along to his pround national anthem. He continues to drive down the urban town road untill he goes back into his travel bag. This time he takes out his mobile phone and takes his hands off the wheel to dial a number.)
MAX - Hello Queen of England ? Good Morning your royal highness. Im just on my way to the Christmas Chaos arena. Im just 24 hours away from my debut match with that brute NoMaD. Am i scared !?!? Not a chance your highness! I have fought people twice his size and twice his brain power. Dont worry madaam. I will not let out fine country United Kingdom down. You know me very well, and you know that i never give up nor do i ease up on my opponents till they cannot move! I know your very busy Queen, but i just wanted to let you know that i heard that this NoMaD person was in jail! what was he in jail for ? stealing old ladies handbags? slapping peoples bums in public? that guys a losser! Pardon ? You want me to dedicate my match to you ? Sure Madaam i'll dedicate NoMaDs beating to you. You know what Queen, since joining WCHW ive learned something. You cant trust any american. You know my brother dont you? yea well he has turned on me. He has turned his back on his British upbringing. If only mother could see Mike now. Yes Queen, i will beat respect into him. Its just a matter of time, and im just choiceing my moment VERY carefully. OK Queen you have got to go? Well ok, i'll be speaking to you after i beat nomad at christmas chaos. I love you, goodbye.
(Sir Max Hangs up his phone and looks pleased with himself. He sits back snug in his motor and listens to the National Anthem. Sudenly Max takes a glance at his watch, and see's that he is ahead of schedule. He feels hungry, so he looks for a place to eat.)
MAX - Oh all this driving is making me hungry, hmmmmm i dont think there is a fish and chip shop anywere round here. Whats that..... ? M ? what kind of a resturant is called M ? oh look theres a drive thru.
(Sir Max Drives into the McDonalds drive thru and speaks into the window.)
MAX - Hello...... WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU LITTLE TOAD !!!
JIMMY - Hi Max. Im working here now. I quit my job as a WCHW interviewer. So Max you goin to Christmas Chaos ? What do you want to eat ?
MAX - BLOODY HELL ! OK I'LL TAKE A COUPLE OF CRUMPITS, A FEW DIGESTIVE BISCUITS, PORTION OF CHIPS, BATTERED COD, AND A PINT OF TEA. PLEASE GOOD MAN.
JIMMY - ............ YA WHAT ??? well........ we dont sell that kind of stuff here, but i'll tell you what i'll get you the best meal McDonalds has to offer, you wait there.
(Sir Max Payne sits in his very expensive car waiting for Jimmy to fetch him his food. After about 5 miniutes Jimmy returns with a Big Mac, large fries, and a large coke.)
MAX - WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THIS !?!?! I DONT WANT THIS CRAP ! I WANT REAL ENGLISH FOOD! DONT YOU EVER BISMIRCH ME AGAIN SUNSHINE!
(Jimmy is starteled and was nervous when Max yelled at him. Jimmy is shaking in nerves! OH NO! JIMMY DROPPED THE COKE ON MAX'S LAP!.)
MAX - OH MY BLOODY GOD! YOU STUPID PILAC! YOU RETARDED TOAD! YOU AMERICAN BURGER FLIPPING CHIMPANZEE!
(Sir Max Stands up out of his car. AND HIS PANTS ARE ALL WET AGAIN! JUST LIKE LAST TIME HE HAS A BIG WET PATCH OVER HIS CROTCH! MAX IS SO EMBARASSED! HIS FACE HAS GONE BRIGHT RED AGAIN! MAX LOOKS AROUND FOR SOMETHING TO COVER HIS EMBARRASMENT... MAX GRABS THE BIG MAC! MAX COVERS THE STAIN WITH THE BIG MAC! MAX LOOKS AT JIMMY AND THEN PULLS HIM OUT FROM THE McDONALDS DRIVE THRU WINDOW! JIMMY FALLS TO THE SIDEWALK. MAX TAKES A STEP BACK AND THEN GIVES JIMMY A SOCCER LIKE RIGHT BOOT TO THE TEMPLE OF JIMMY KNOCKING HIM OUT COLD! The British man then feels much better about things and throws the Big Mac at Jimmy. His $1,000 suit is ruined AGAIN! Max is so pissed of he rips off his trousers which are stained coke color. He throws them at Jimmy aswell. With no trousers on, and his BRITSH FLAG UNDERPANTS ON! Max still wants to see the Manager of McDonalds to see if he can get some Tea. Max walks into the main door of McDonalds wearing nothing but a shirt and underpants. He walks in and EVERYBODY EATING THERE MEAL STOPS AND STARES! A litte kid screams at the sight of a grown man in underpants! Max push's his way to the front of the Que.)
RONALD - Hi, welcome to McDonalds. Im the manager what can i get you?
MAX - Tea, i want Tea now...
RONALD - Im sorry we dont do tea here. Would you like a happy meal?
(Just then a car pulls out from the Drive Thru and its........ its....... OH NO ! ITS A RED, WHITE, AND BLUE STRETCH LIMO!!! THAT COULD ONLY MEAN ONE THING!!! MILLERS HERE!!! SIR MAX TURNS ROUND AND SEE'S MIKE GETTIN OUT OF HIS LIMO WEARING HIS JEWELED USA JACKET! SIR MAX TRYS TO RUN OUT THE ROOM, BUT MIKE SEES HIM! OH NO MIKE AND MAX ARE NOSE TO NOSE!)
MIKE - Hey Bro... Do you allways go out without your pants on ?
(Just then Mike gives Max a HARD RIGHT HAND! Max falls over the counter onto the other side! Mike Jumps over following him. Mike grabs the tomato saurce and squirts it all over Sir Max!!! The Half naked Max Stands up all covered in tomato saurce. SUPER TKO ONTO THE HAPPY MEAL BOXES!!! MAX IS OUT COLD!)
MIKE - DID ANYBODY ORDER A LARGE BRIT, WITH EXTRA JACKASS ?!? SEE YOU AT CHRISTMAS CHAOS!
(Mike grabs a soda and cool, calm and collectedly walks out of McDonalds and drives his Limo off! Everyone is the resturant is stunned! The scene goes off as it shows max lying in a pile of happy meal boxes!)
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