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Date Posted: 17:53:08 09/05/00 Tue
Author: Jim
Subject: Hi! A story to fuel your hate of Germans!!!

Well Hello! It's me! Here is my story......

Just over two weeks ago, a german far non-relative of mine departed from our shores aboard a P&O ferry. I was very happy, and also glad that I didn't have to wave to the tyrant that had made the family's life hell for nearly a full month.

Well.... the story goes. My mum's cousin's husband rang a few months before we broke up from college and asked if his ex-wife's son could stay over so he could improve his english. Well, he arrived the day my girlfriend went on holiday for two weeks to America, (this made it even worse, I could have settled at her house, but I had to hold the fort at home). We met him at King George dock, a big black haired German sat, smoking on his suitcase. He was really impressed to see us, we got a grunt of 'hallo'. We sat... silent in the car on the journey back to my house where we offered to make him dinner, and what lingual talents did we get.... 'NO, I was sick on ferry, I not hungry'. Now you'lll be looking at that sentance thinking 'well, where's the No thankyou'. Well here is the fact, he didn't know the words 'thank you', in either german or english. Well I lie, he said 'thank you' about three times while he was here, and one of those was when he left (hurrah)! So the four weeks dragged on and on. The countdown started on the monday after he had arrived.

He sat upstairs all the time, glued to strategy games on the computer, or he would read his ever so interesting books about 'Warhammer', the game of nerds worldwide. He also had another intersting book, 'The Fist of God' and this cover had lovely bursts of hell's fire all over it with a huge nuclear symbol in the middle. I went to work, sorry to leave him at home by himself (which was not a good idea, but that 'cums' later).

Evey single day after having a shower, I would have to use this probably foriegn thing to him, a toliet brush, to scrub his crap off the back of my toilet!!!! How nice, we put him up for a month, free of charge, he treats us like shit, and then he leaves that everyday on the back of the toilet. We told him when he arrived that he could help himself to whatever he wanted to eat, but one day I was coming downstairs and heard a rustling sound coming from the toilet, 'well, maybe he's opening a new toilet roll since the other has maybe ran out' I thought, but I was wrong, after five minutes he went back upstairs. I looked in the cupboard and noticed that one of the 'Farmfoods Raspberry Cake Bars' had disappeared. I didn't have to think where it had gone, so I went upstairs and low and behold there it was, the wraper in our upstairs bin. Now I ak myself 'WHY?'.... we said he could eat anything he wanted, but he had to eat chocolate in 'secret'. Strange boy.

Now I don't know if it's a german thing, or if he was saying our breakfast cereal was crap, but he ate peanut butter sandwiches for three weeks for breakfast!!! This is going on very long, but there's more and then I finish typing this I'll think of more great times he showered us with! So the first week, went by vert slowly and so did the other three. He didn't have a shower in the first week, he could have asked how to use it if he didn't know but I think he prefered to be natural smelling.

Another bad thing about this lad was that he smoked. Okay he asked if it was okay to smoke in the house and we said yes, but he started to take the piss within the next day. We said he could smoke, but doesn't he know it's dangerous to smoke in bed??? And now my bunk is christened with singe marks where he's proably been burning it with his lighter when he got bored.

My brother offered a countless number of times to take him out, bowling, cinema or maybe just playing basketball with my brother's friends. And he reply? 'Huh, oh No, I am too lazzzzzy' reason for not playing basketball 'No, uhhhh, I do not like sport, it is boring'. But he liked Formula 1 thought didn't he?

He classed bowling as a sport. But everyone fully knows that bowling is great, it's not really a sport, you don't go to Megabowl to compete, you go to enjoy yourself, do something social, it's classed as a social event like going to a pub.

Now after me and my brother talked about him not caring if he would here us one night, he started to give us dirty looks. He never made his bed once while he was here, he never volunteered to do the dishies, he couldn't even wash crumbs off a plate after his breakfast of peanut butter sandwiches. Actually talking of beds..... after two weeks, I think he must have forgot about manners and morals and he started to masturbate in my brother's bed, and then my covers were blessed with his love juice. His nice white stains made a lovely treat, thank god i was sleeping downstairs the whole month on the sofa. Thats another point, why the hell should I have gave my bed up for this german dickhead, I was workig quite a lot while he was here, and I had to catch up on my sleep during the day either downstairs or in my parent's bed!

Now, this it the most scary part of my life, and this happened in my mum's room while I was trying to get some sleep. Because one of the hall windows were open the door blew open slightly, and I thought nothing of it. But then it opened again in such a way that I knew someone was holding the handle and making it sway by themselves! So I layed there glued shitting myself just watching the door 'blow' open and shut. Then as the door opened a shadow appeared on the wall, an ovaled shaped head on an oval shaped body. The door slightly closed and the figure went away, then it opened again and the figure came back. I was still there frightened glued to the bed, then all of a sudden this mop of black hair slowly appears from the side of the door, followed by Maximillian's head!!!! I didn't know what to say to him, and he just stared at me. I then said 'Are you alright' and he looked at me and said 'okay' in a Dutch/German type of way. After he had gone downstairs for probably more peanut butter sandwiches and came back up I went downstairs and rang my girlfriend for moral support. I really was shaking, and my heart was pounding.

Well I might continue this story later cause my fingers are tired... Auf Weidersehen!!!!!!

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