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[> [> [> [> Subject: Further to Matt
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Author:
Fred4
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Date Posted: 19:50:47 10/03/09 Sat
Matt, Sorry I'm a little slow in understanding the situation you felt (not in your relating it, but in my understanding), but I appreciate the discussion. I think I do understand now. (I also understand you handle things very well, as reflected in your attitude, and the mere fact of lingering feelings is probably solely as a result of what happened to you - not something to feel strange about.)
I can understand you felt like digging a hole when embarrassed by the girl at the wedding you attended. Teenagers often say things more to try to be funny or to generate a reaction, without thinking of the impact on the person affected. That sounds like that was the case then, and if she had proper consideration, she should not have said what she did. In fact, you say you weren't necessarily attraacted to the girls who saw you get enemas, because that had been an embarrassing situation.
Yet you say you did have sexual feelings at around age 14 caused by the earlier witnessed enemas. Any idea as to specifically why is speculation on my part, but intuitively I can understand that to be the case. Most people want sexual fulfillment, and if there is an event impinging on it, one becomes aware of it but has the sexual feelings nonetheless.
You and I have commented on our respective situations often enough on the site that we have an understanding of some of one another's reactions.
Maybe an event with related feelings, but entirely unrelated events, to me was as follows: As I've been over, I had much too massive enemas, though at a doctor's prescription when having a typical childhood illness. I felt some strong feelings, seemingly sexual at the time, when kids my age said they had no trouble taking enemas. I envisioned their enemas as the same size and type as mine (later analytically, but not emotionally, realizing they could not have been), but they (and later others who looked like them) seemingly to me handled it well while I didn't.
I was playing with one of these kids and others at his house one time, and had to go to the bathroom. In that bathroom, I saw an enema bag drying out on a hook on their bathroom door that was higher (implying greater enema pressure) than the high hook on my bathroom door from which my enemas were given. I felt especially weak-kneed, because that was further evidence to me that that kid did handle them better than I.
While I then, and later, had these attractions to both females and males who were or looked like these "perfect" kids, if I were pressed, would I want to have sexual relations with either the females or males? Delving a bit more grossly in my mind, I would conclude yes with the females, but they would not consider that with me since I was imperfect and couldn't handle the enemas they could. For the males, absolutely not (and I would have been grossed out at the thought), yet why the feelings?
I think the one similarity in our outlook was that the sexual feelings we felt were triggered by our respective enema situations as a kid. In my mind, there must have been something wrong with me that I couldn't handle the childhood enemas well, yet that later generated sexual feeling in me. At the same time, those sexual feelings were not fully rewarding, because that was not the right base upon which to build sexual feelings.
In the above, I may be speaking solely for my situation, and have yours totally wrong. If so, I very much apologize.
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