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Date Posted: 02:20:33 12/19/02 Thu
Author: Name (required)
Subject: Re: $229 Death (an experiment, comments appreciated)
In reply to: Porthos 's message, "$229 Death (an experiment, comments appreciated)" on 12:19:35 12/17/02 Tue

The alliteration is very sharp with a lot of D's and C's, it cuts like broken glass, like the car windows mentioned in the verse.

For some reason I really like the line "Coffee but you never, coffe you don't like coffee," but the next line seems sort of flat in comparison. Almost like you tried a little too strongly on the drink drank drink alliteration, it doesn't read well at all. Try using this "coffee" rhythm, I like it a lot.

I'd say work on imagery, the poem seems somewhat empty. Also, it is very disjointed, though I imagine that's the point. However, the flow seems off without an image to justify it.

Hm . . . guess I had a lot to say. I hope I helped in some way, and as a return favour, I wonder, could you let me know your response to my comments here? I'm curious as to their value to you :).


Stephanie LeBlanc.

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