| Subject: The Enterprise vs. Itself! |
Author:
The Vile One
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Date Posted: 11:03:01 03/15/02 Fri
(Yes, the wacky crew of the Enterprise continues its mission to...um...stay on course. Anyone notice they always have a course set in every episode, but always have to turn around? Anyway, damn that ship is tiny. We are in the bridge.)
ARCHER: Star date 2/25/51. The Enterprise continues it's journey into deep space, I can't help but noticing that the crew is a bit on edge. Nothing exciting really happens around here.
T'POL: Captain, the fact that you are saying your private thoughts out loud in front of everyone is highly...disturbing.
ARCHER: All right I'll guess I'll just go and take a shower. Anyone care to join me? How about you T'Pol?
T'POL: Captain, I will say this in the most terse and concise way I can, #### OFF!
ARCHER: Well, I tried. Guess it is just me and Porthos. Travis, you take the bridge.
(Archer taps the cardboard cutout that is Travis Mayweather, and it falls to the floor.)
ARCHER: Oops, Hoshi you take the bridge. HOSHI!
(Hoshi realizes that the captain is talking to her, and logs off the website with naked Phlox pictures on it.)
HOSHI: Oh yes sir.
(Archer goes over to Hoshi and whispers.)
ARCHER: Oh...and...uh...Hoshi, did you take care of that...um...business I asked.
HOSHI: Sir, is it really necessary for me to find out if Chef can make White Castles? I mean I have tons of diagnostics to run...
ARCHER: Just make it a top priority, I'll check back with you later.
(We now go to Archer's bathroom. He is gingerly sharing the shower stall with Porthos, the wonder beagle, bathing cap and all!)
ARCHER: I just don't get it Porthos.
PORTHOS: *RUFF*
ARCHER: Yeah I mean, I know she digs me, but her Vulcanness keeps her from getting all over me.
PORTHOS: *RUFF*
ARCHER: What the hell is a Pon-far?
(suddenly, everything in the room starts to float. Gravity is off. Archer flicks on the wall communicator.)
ARCHER: HEY ####ING TUCKER?! WHAT THE #### IS GOING ON?!
TUCKER: b###h PLEASE!!! WE'RE JUST HAVIN' SOME PROBLEMS WITH THE ENERGY DOOHICKEY! HEY BILLY GIVE IT A COUPLE OF WHACKS WITH THE WRENCH!
(Gravity is restored. Archer and Porthos plop to the floor.)
ARCHER: Good thing we're on UPN. So they can cleverly cover up my small phaser bearings.
(We go to the mess hall. T'Pol is eating some sort of salad with carbonated water. Badass pimp supreme, Dr. Phlox, sits across from her chewing down on a re-sequenced Fuddrucker's hamburger, 1 pound giant size!)
PHLOX: You know what they say, when among the Phelebians, do as the Phelebians do!
T'POL: The fact of eating the hyde of a filthy animal is highly illogical and not very healthy.
PHLOX: Well since it is re-sequenced, no worries.
(Cutler walks by, and slips Phlox a note. It reads, "My door opens at eight, I've rented a new movie, "Showgirls".)
PHLOX: Hmm, the females aboard this vessel seem to be enamored with my physical being. I don't lie, and I would be lying if I didn't enjoy it.
T'POL: The fact that humans all fawn over one man in particular is highly illogical.
(Here is what T'Pol is really thinking, "OH MY GAWD! I want to #### him so bad. It's taking me every fiber of my Vulcan being from not doing so. But shit, I can't get over how incredibly sexy he is, the ridges on his face make him look like Edward James Olmos. I don't know how long I can keep this up. Ok Ok. Think of something not sexy...ok...um...Humanoid space crafts, parsley, Captain Archer. Ok, now I'm good. Don't know how long I can keep this up." That's right folks, PHLOX IS DA MAN! He puts Shaft to shame. I mean the guy has 3 wives! Anyway, Phlox snags a piece of T'Pol's celery.)
PHLOX: May I?
(T'Pol gives a slight nod of the head, and gets up.)
T'POL: I need some rest, I will see you at another designated, logical time.
TUCKER: Hey Phlox is this seat taken?
PHLOX: Not at all.
TUCKER: Hey, why is it all wet?
(Back in the bridge.)
T'POL: Captain, we've figured out what caused the problems on the decks earlier. A ship of peaceful Ferengis have been trailing the ship and using our warp exhaust to power their own.
ARCHER: You hear that Trip? Try not to get knocked up by one of them this time!
TUCKER: #### OFF!
REED: Captain just say the word and with the push of a button I will blow those big eared wankers to dust!
ARCHER: No Reed, we have to make contact.
REED: #### Contact, that movie sucked. If I don’t blow up some sots soon, I’m going to go bollix!
ARCHER: Hail them. My name is Jonathan Archer of the Starship Enterprise, from Earth.
(One of ‘dem Ferengi things appears on the view screen.)
QWARK: GIVE US LATINUM!
(suddenly the image explodes and the ship begins to shake.)
ARCHER: MALCOM!
REED: What? Why is everyone bloody looking at me like that? It wasn’t me, I swear?
Until next time everyone, stay golden!
“There is no escape.”
-Samurai Jack
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