Gotta stop this shit now. -- The Middle of Nowhere

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Date Posted: 22:49:57 04/11/04 Sun
Author: ...
Subject: Gotta stop this shit now.

The creature stood, wings which she felt arching backwards from a sagging back drooped slightly, just after making their presence from the nothingness known.

"Stop."

Came the voice. Soft, unobtrusive. Huh? Stop. Stop what?

"Stop."

Again. Word. Single. Banned previously but what for? Simple word of exit in a circle of never ending verbal battering.

"Stop!"

Oh damn you had to keep coming didn't you, you stupid word. I know what you mean. Leave me alone. Let me be.

"STOP!"

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!?! Stop the moodswings? Stop clinging? Stop refusing to do what you feel but what you think? Stop trying to make peace by sacrificing yourself? Stop whining over things that don't exist? Stop bitching about a horrible life that's damn near perfect? Is that what you want me to stop? WHAT? IS THAT IT! YOU ASS YOU NON-EXISTANT PART OF ME THAT I WON'T LET GO! NO YOU IDIOT! STAY PUT! YOU'LL RUIN EVERYTHING YOU FOOL! STOP!

"Stop."

Stop?

"Stop."

I can't just say okay... don't you see that? My words always mean nothing? Why trust me anymore. I don't trust me, or my word, why should anyone else?

"Stop."

What do you want me to say?

"What do you want to say?"

I don't know anymore. My whole life belongs to others. Everything I do I try to do for others. When I don't I hurt. When I do I hurt. My whole life is... not hurt... so why do I say it is?

"I don't know. Why do you?"

I can't answer that.

"Try."

Because it's instinct?

"No. Your instinct is wolf. Betrayed. Your instinct is panther. Hidden. If any instinct still lives in you it is human. Fickle. Biting not for hunt but for murder."

Then have I lost myself?

"No."

What can I do?

"What WILL you do?"

Every time I set my mind to something it falls apart. Or worse yet, never begins.

"Make it start. Make it stay."

How?

"Learn. Search. Find the Guides. They have not forsaken you. You have only forsaken yourself."

Find the Guides. My totems. Forsaken myself... upkeep personally?

"Yes. But more, much more."

Eat right, get fit, make me proud of me. Search not for the love of others, but the love of myself. Look not with blind eyes towards those who offer love, but accept what is given and relish it while you can.

"It is not a matter of time, but a matter of choice."

And have I made the right one?

Have I?

How can I be sure?

"Stop."

The creature is silent, lifting her thin muzzle up to the air, eyeing her forepaws, still bearing the traditional cross and pentacle, one on each, and now so many other religious symbols, stretching up her lanky arms. The once tattered wings still are mended and she stretches them, not seeing but feeling the scars there. A clawed hand rises to her chest, the heartbeat is quick. Frightened. But no longer afraid to admit it.

Would she fly?

That remained to be seen.

No more broken promises.

Stop?

No.

Go.

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