My heart has been touched... -- "A Song For Justin"

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Date Posted: 19:43:25 02/02/05 Wed
Author: Celest Rattliffe
Subject: My heart has been touched...

Tonight I read the many words of consolation and memories of your son, Justin. A son is a son, no matter what age--Your love for your child will forever remain.

Hopefully, by now, you are in less pain as the fond memories of Justin live on. My 23 year son took his life on October 20, 1988. It�s sometimes still troubling that I don�t know why he took his own life, or if someone else was involved. If he took his own life, I wonder why, if someone else took his life, I wonder why. He left behind two sisters and three brothers who took it very hard. They were a very close sibling group. Rocky was so full of life�he loved everybody he met; you may have been a stranger when you first met, but not for long. He had a large circle of friends (even his high school buddies kept in touch). Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that we laughed and cried together; sometimes I cry; sometimes I smile lovingly at the memories.

My son�s name was Roderick, but we called him �Rocky� because when he was born, both of his hands were in the form of fists. I see him in people and the things around me�that, I believe will never change. I do have more loving thoughts and memories of him as time goes by and less pain. After his death I couldn�t listen to the type of music he liked, I would always turn it off; I couldn�t look at his photos, his clothes or anything that belonged to him without breaking down in tears.

For the first five years after his death, I lost time from work, closed myself off from my family and friends and prayed incessantly. I finally sought counseling. I was told that I was stuck in the denial mode of grievance. I�m still making progress--Today I don�t cry as much; I smile now when I think of him. The holidays are the hardest time to get through but it gets easier�but the love and missing his presence hasn�t gone way.

In my case, even though it has been years, I still think of him lovingly and I smile more at the memories. I believe that I will always have tearful memories and loving memories of his time with us, and I think that is a good thing. Time makes it easier to cope, but he will always be present in our hearts.

I still participate in support groups. Being with and relating to others who have gone through the same suffering helps me to feel better; and knowing that I�m not alone in my grieving eases my pain; also knowing that I am proof that we can survive after the loss of a love one.

It still pains me when I think of him, knowing that I will never see him in this life or the words I will never hear again. Rocky touched me in a way that no one else ever has. My prayer to him: �Rest on and watch ever over the ones you loved and cared for.� I close my eyes and I can envision his emotional hugs and kisses. He was a very affectionate and loving young man.

Any time you�d like to express your feelings or just need to communicate with someone who has gone through the same tragic situation, feel free to e-mail me--when people say, �I know how you feel�, I can truly relate�You can�t know unless it has happened to you.

Celest H. Rattliffe, February 1, 2005

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