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Date Posted: 01:31:14 08/24/06 Thu
Author: 百目鳥
Subject: 1001. 亞伯拉罕的眼淚(上)

亞伯拉罕的眼淚(上)

01.「你和你故事的存在,已經是對我的攻擊」
攻擊是恆常存在的,因為別人的故事,恆常存在。

當故事被再次傳誦的時候,旁觀的我保持沉默,就好像我向來沉默一樣。沉默,直至忘記原來自己可以發出聲音。不是嗎你們都忘掉了,我的聲音,難道只是尋常營役的工具,或者枯燥學問的詮釋?當你們以為我只是,一個旁觀的無言的藝評人,我選擇在自我的自憐的囈語中流放。

故此我們需要記得:當一個故事被傳誦,已有其他99個故事被遺忘。

02. 「我只是不明白,你為何可以如此容易原諒自己?」
我沒有告訴你,原諒自己,其實就是扼殺自己。

承認錯誤,本來便是對過去的自己的否定。原諒此一錯誤,更是對否定的否定,是對過去的自己的雙重抹殺:做了的事情,錯誤了;而錯誤呢?被原諒,以至被忘掉了。從此不留任何「我」的痕跡,「我」彷彿不曾存在過。

促成這種對過去的我的扼殺的,竟是當下的有辜的自己。這究竟是困難還是容易,是被迫抑或自找,我始終也是,說不出個所以然。

03. 「人的本質不是衝動,而是償還和捨棄」
「不是衝動」,這是一個何等有信心的宣告,還是一種非常宏觀的智慧?我們的日子,只是游離散斷的詞句,在偶然之手的推撞下,隨自我瞬間的欲求流竄;而你竟說,它可以組成償還和捨棄的偉大篇章?

我不想矯飾。我自然是,對舞台佈景的流轉無力挽留,「臨別一笑便放手」,向來是長刻於心的警句。但這絕對有別於主動的割捨,有目的之償還。難道我還能償還什麼嗎?

一個已然被取去所有的人,緩慢地,無容反抗地。

2006/08/24

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