Re: *******MSUSP******* -- Dreaming With The Daffodils

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Date Posted: 23:56:30 12/06/10 Mon
Author: SS
Subject: Re: *******MSUSP*******
In reply to: SS 's message, "Re: *******MSUSP*******" on 20:19:13 12/06/10 Mon

My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party
By: Lisping Hibiscus
12/2/10
.
.
.
Ahhhhhhh, the Christmas season!

The time of struggling to remember,
the names of your second cousin's kids...

...telling everyone I can't cook,
just so I can swipe the kitchen lubricant,
and go saucer sledding at Scoggins Valley Park...

...and the scratchy feeling,
of an ugly sweater on my back!

(What?!!!)

(You can't be serious!)

(They're street-cred suicide!)

(I'd rather risk chiping my teeth,
eating peanut brittle,
from a popcorn tin,
than ever be caught in one of those hideous things!)

Ah, I hear every one of you!

I, myself,
back when I was really, really young,
got this goldenrod sweater,
knitted by my Aunt Helga,
featuring a sequinned nutcracker family,
yodeling with Hermey the Misfit Elf,
Leroy the Redneck Reindeer,
and the Rockettes,
on the Christmas Valley Sand Dunes...

...with these padded shoulders,
bat arms,
a wide waist-band...

...and all these stitched-on bells,
multi-colored pom poms,
an appliqued partridge in a pear tree,
and a penguin Jesus ascending to heaven,
that lights up!

It was the most ugly,
beastly,
grisly,
no good,
very bad sweater you'd ever see.
.
.
.
I put on my best stiff upper lip,
pretended I liked it,
then squirreled it away,
in the deepest sepulchurs of my closet...

...where it would remain,
for twenty-three and a half fateful years...
.
.
.
...but that was then!

This is now!

And since the Dark Age of Fleece...

...I've grown wiser...

...I've grown more open-minded...

...and have grown ever grateful,
to have been blessed with this perfect gift,
by my beloved Aunt Helga...

...for you see...

...'tis not only the season of Christmas spirit...

...'tis the season of Christmas spirit recycling!

(You've lost your mind, bro!
Someone's spiked your quince cheese,
at one too many stitching parties,
at Sheep Thrills!)

Hey,
there's nothin' like,
goin' the whole nine yarns,
and keepin' with the Knitty Gritty,
this time of year!

In fact,
word has it,
my sister's gonna have,
one of these ugly sweater parties,
this Friday night at her humble abode!)

(Egad!!!
Ugly Sweater Party?!!!)

Sure as Smithfield ham!
But merely flapping the tongue,
won't get your pregnenolone pumpin'!

Along with everything holiday-related,
it's something I can only explain,
through lock, longsock, barreled caroling,
and deviant hall-decking dubstep!

Let's get you on that Jolly Holiday Christmas Trolley,
where looking bad has never felt so good!

DJ Knit Picky,
Let's Get Loud!
.
.
.
Hey y'all, you're invited to a special bash,
free of all that modish, trendy balderdash!
Just be sure to come in a Christmas sweater!
(The more hideous it is, the better!)
Don't own one? I know of a Ross's nearby!
That's where turtlenecks and sweaters go to die!
Snap some shots, just shield them from your Grandma's eyes!
Otherwise, you'll be mailed a second stitched surprise!

Cut that rug in the rug you've cut,
with the rest of us seasonal sluts!

At my sister's Ugly Sweater Party!
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
Don't let me catch you getting artsy!
(At My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)
Kickin' it like Lorenzo Bernardi!
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
At my sister's Ugly Sweater Party!
(My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)

Once I scoffed at handcrafted garb with antipathy,
now I benefit from my packratting abilities,
sniffing out sweaters with jarring color combinations,
red and rust, pickled greens, creamed corn yellow inflammations,
wiping racks clean featuring sizes 1X and bigger,
you better bet being dead unsexy is de rigueur,
I'm talkin' battery lights and marabou feather trim,
and more than enough puffy paint to make Santa's head spin.

Smack an appliqued bow on that appliqued puppy's neck!
(Ughhh-La-Dee-Dah!)
Find real steal bargains at tackychristmassweaters.net!
(Ughhh-La-Dee-Dah!)
Drag that frumpy clunker through clumps of poison ivy!
(Ughhh-La-Dee-Dah!)
Often all you need is urushiol to make things lively!
(Ahhhhhhh! Get it off! Get it off!)

With my Converse Chuck Taylors with Christmas Wreaths,
who knows what nasty faddism I will bequeath!

At my sister's Ugly Sweater Party!
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
If you have a bit too much Bacardi!
(At My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)
Yule carol nothin' but malarkey!
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
At my sister's Ugly Sweater Party!
(My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)

(Fa-La-La, La-La!
Ughhh! Na Na!)
.
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
.
(Fa-La-La, La-La!
Ughhh! Na Na!)
.
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
.
Hey y'all, you're invited to a special bash,
free of all that modish, trendy balderdash!
Just be sure to come in a Christmas sweater!
(The more ostentatious, the better!)
Don't own one? I know of a Michael's nearby!
That's where we leave our sweaters high and dry!
Bring something for the Bad Santa gift exchange!
Anything that's dirt cheap, estranged and deranged!

(You Look Lost, My Friend!
Here, I'll Help You Out!)

Spend ten dollars on any gift that's just plain horrible!
Like a box of laxatives or that lawn game named Cornhole!
Play-Doh Doctor Drill 'n Fill, Lawn Darts, Big Mouth Billy Bass,
or Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab!

(Pardon my Bat Masterson Belt Gun! I've got the munchies!)
Me too! We've got a wide array of ghastly grubberies!
Like Slippery Santa Shots and fruity gelatin mold!
And you need to try my gourmet Tater Tot Casserole!
Ugly Sweater Sugar Cookies and sausage ball muffins,
with some Vienna sausages served with frilly toothpicks!
Strawberry Twinkie dessert and red dye-spiked onion dip!
Go on and use the sweaters as place-mats! I do insist!

There are tasteless argyle socks nailed all over the walls!
(Ughhh-La-Dee-Dah!)
And holiday lawn decorations cluttering the halls!
(Ughhh-La-Dee-Dah!)
The Santa Beer Pong Showdown's swarmin' with collegians!
(Ughhh-La-Dee-Dah!)
My sister's crankin' up Christmas tunes by Sufjan Stevens!
(Get Behind Me, Santa!)

(No, Not That Santa!)

This party's blowin' up like Susan Bristol Inc!
We've got more threads than Billy Cosby's toggery!

At my sister's Ugly Sweater Party!
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
If you have a bit too much Bacardi!
(At My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)
Yule carol nothin' but malarkey!
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
At my sister's Ugly Sweater Party!
(My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)

You'll need some tangible evidence to discuss during family therapy 10 years from now.

Blind Great-Grandma Prudence overheard Mom and Dad say they wanted to make each other hot and sweaty. So she knitted us sweaters.

(Hey,
where are you going with that hideous sweater?)

Uhhhhhhh.........
.
.
.
.....ummmmm........
.
.
.
.....ermmmmm.........
.
.
.
.....that is to say.........
.
.
.
.....I'm Going Skiing!
Yeah, That's Right!
Skiing!
Ha ha.........ha ha!
Yes, that'll do! >D )

Anne Marie Blackman
"Best are the sweaters from the '70s or '80s that have padded shoulders or bat arms or a wide waist band."

Read more: http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/latest/ugly-christmas-sweaters-461208#ixzz17DwwiH8W
Especially if the ensemble practically outshines the Christmas tree.

http://stores.intuitwebsites.com/CTrujillo/StoreFront.bok
http://www.uglysweaterstore.com/InTheNews.html
jingle mingle

a 3-D aspect to them, like a gross furry white cat lying on a rug in front of a fireplace with ribbons and beads
ugly is in the eye of the beholder

#

Give a prize for the ugliest tackiest sweater. Play polka music. Better yet, have someone play the accordion.
#
5

Have tacky snacks. Offer goodies such as bologna and cheese sandwiches cut in star shapes, onion dip dyed red with food coloring, Vienna sausages served with frilly toothpicks, and of course, fruitcake.

Read more: How to Have an Ugly Tacky Christmas Sweater Party | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5594022_ugly-tacky-christmas-sweater-party.html#ixzz174SK7gnw

Some thrift stores categorize all women's sweaters in one area, all men's sweaters in another area; whereas other stores mix long-sleeve sweaters in with long-sleeve shirts, vest sweaters with tank tops, etc. Be sure to check both areas--leave no stone unturned and don't get discouraged if it takes a little while search.

Read more: How to Make Money on eBay Selling Ugly Christmas Sweaters | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5604696_make-selling-ugly-christmas-sweaters.html#ixzz174SZAw8x

Steer clear of very small sweaters and those with pastel colors. You are preferably looking for larger sizes that could easily be worn by a woman or man (sizes 1x and up are especially good sellers).

Read more: How to Make Money on eBay Selling Ugly Christmas Sweaters | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5604696_make-selling-ugly-christmas-sweaters.html#ixzz174SgTqz8

Scout out sweaters with extra bold, busy, bright designs, tacky fabrics like acrylic, and LOTS of baubles: think 3-D plush animal heads and other accents, bells that jingle, huge Santa heads, oversized Christmas trees and Rudolph noses that light up (you read that right--they're out there, folks), candy cane or bow buttons on cardigans, designs that cover the entire front AND back if you can find it, jarring colors and color combinations (red and rust, yucky greens), or just any designs that are not eye-pleasing.

Read more: How to Make Money on eBay Selling Ugly Christmas Sweaters | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5604696_make-selling-ugly-christmas-sweaters.html#ixzz174Sl7gWa

Describe your sweater well, but simply, adding in words like GARISH, LOUD, OBNOXIOUS, DOWDY, FRUMPY, BUSY, TACKY, GAUDY, NERDY, OSTENTATIOUS, HIDEOUS

Read more: How to Make Money on eBay Selling Ugly Christmas Sweaters | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5604696_make-selling-ugly-christmas-sweaters.html#ixzz174Su9Nlo

Christmas music by Sufjan Stevens
�Hey man, I love that Burl Ives song
consignment stores

Bad? Jennifer, these are an Amy Winehouse weekend. On the left, it looks like Stitch got run over by a steamroller. It tries to say �I'm in my cubist period.� What it really says: �The mold has spread.� On Miss Vogue, it's a visual aid in geology class. And that stripe in the middle is the extinction event. Nothing will survive.

87 Scorpions tour sweater

cowboy santa christmas cactus

Have an "Unravel the Sweater" race
A combination of icons that most normal humans would not utilize when designing one item of clothing. Here is an example: brown sweater, pink buttons, pink pig appliqu�s eating grass appliqu�s and a floppy collar made of curly pink and white yarn.http://dwightjohnston.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/ugly-pig-sweater1.jpg7

Unravel the Sweater Race � Do not announce this ahead of time.http://www.craftyplaces.com/826/the-recycled-yarn-tutorial-how-to-unravel-a-sweater/8 Here is what you�ll need. Ask for volunteers who are willing to dismember their sweaters for the sake of a good time. If a volunteer is wearing only their sweater, have a backup garment handy, lake a large T-shirt. The sweaters that work well for this are the handmade sweaters.http://www.bhg.com/crafts/knitting/wearables/a-basic-knitted-sweater/9 The object of the game is to find the end of the yarn used to make the sweater. http://www.yarn.com/10 Sweater vests may or may not count � this will need to be your decision. Or, take a vote. Anyway, even if they need scissors to get it started, begin at the end of the sweater and start unraveling. You will need a referee. The unraveling needs to be in one continuous string. If the guest hits a truly impossible knitted knot, or a tight appliqu�, exceptions can be made to briefly assist with scissors. But you cannot cut the main piece of yarn into pieces. It must be unraveled. The first one to finish wins the prize! In this instance, the grand prize should be�and ugly sweater. Make it a large one so that the winner of the race can put it on, irrespective of his or her size.

tasteless plaid tablecloths

knit caps
poodles

1. Think Ironic. You probably have fond memories of your older female relatives at holiday gatherings wearing sweaters with Christmas trees and Santa Claus. The Ugly Christmas Sweater Party pokes fun at these wardrobe choices, and no one wants to be mean to Grandma. So mentally separate the Grandma sweater from the Party sweater. Pretend she wouldn't be hurt by the concept. And for God's sake, don't tell her about it.

annoying Christmas music karaoke

slippery Santa shot
Santa beer bong
Tom and Jerry mixed w/ Brandy
copy of "The Band" on DVD
t.j. maxx

1 Gallon Sauterne Wine
Pin the Nose on Rudolph
Mistletoe Mojito

Read more: How to Have an Ugly Tacky Christmas Sweater Party | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5594022_ugly-tacky-christmas-sweater-party.html#ixzz174SGrrlB

Read more: How to Have an Ugly Tacky Christmas Sweater Party | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5594022_ugly-tacky-christmas-sweater-party.html#ixzz174SCHrg1

stranded colorwork knitting
and the scratchy feeling of an ugly sweater on your back.

Source: http://www.nbcchicago.com/around-town/fashion/Keeping-it-Fugly-This-Holiday-Season-ugly-sweaters-70272612.html#ixzz1726uVoPq

Got an itch to glue a sequined snowman to a brightly-colored sweater? If so, then you're already feeling the ugly spirit.

goodwill and salvation army unable to keep up with demand
bill cosby

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Re: *******MSUSP******* -- SS, 12:17:03 12/07/10 Tue