Y -- Dreaming With The Daffodils

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Date Posted: 17:54:46 10/09/14 Thu
Author: SS
Subject: Y

Last night, I went out for a run on Sauvie Island while the Blood Moon retained its vermillion glare on the eastern horizon..............and for whatever superstitious reason, I ran six miles in less than 42 minutes..........then broke down in tears right afterward.

Since the end of last month, I've felt grave heartache on multiple fronts...............but one most of you are only vaguely aware of is that I firmly decided it was time to put a key professional relationship to bed after two and a half years....................and because I'm one who has almost never dated whatsoever and is vastly inexperienced in terms of relationships................I'm going through the motions of what must be quite similar to the feelings many have when they experience having their first ex in their lives.

As unapologetically open as I am about the details of my life and story, I'm choosing to refrain from sharing much more out of respect for this person. But to tell you the truth...............I feel greatly hurt inside. I feel like I have been used and tangled in mind games. And, looking back.................I have no idea whichever words of encouragement were offered out of genuine affection, or which ones were calculated and meant to offer false confidence just so I could continue to be used to one's advantage! ; __ ;

(wipes tear) Still, at the end of the day, I've already forgiven this person in heart. Paul Boese said that forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. I wouldn't be where I am today if not for this person, and so I intend not to look back in brooding resentment..........but with a genuine pang of gratitude for enriching my story all the same. And in heart, I have and always will love this person and, in addition, I feel a stinging sympathy for this person in that, psychologically speaking, I understand what instigates and drives feelings and decisions rooted in insecurity.

Still............my heart feels broken by all the empty promises and mind games. My fiscal and living situations are dire, and I can't afford to keep panning fool's gold and chase what are little more than platitudes. I need not only to work, but live, with integrity, truth and authenticity.............and I felt for some time I was prone to being sucked into a vacuum of a situation that didn't ring true to me. So I'm moving on.

The withdrawal burns, though.................and there's no tourniquet for this kind of experience. All I can do..........all we can do.............is confront the blood moon with a ravenous hunger to transcend ourselves..............and swan dive into the crimson tides...............

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