Author:
Kayla
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Date Posted: 07/19/06 7:06am
J.
I am pleading with you to please read one last message....
I am post-abortive. I shut off just as you have right now. I've used the exact same words you are using... "I disconnected... disconnected my head from my heart." It was the only way I could walk thru the day of my abortion. I too felt nothing. I was numb. When I was walking into the clinic, a picketer screamed at me, "You're just a baby killer if you walk into that building!" And I knew that he was right, but I was so numb his words just reinforced everything that I already felt about myself... I was just... nothing. worthless. a failure. And now I was just going to add one more failure to my miserable life. That feeling of disconnection? It convinced me that this was just a procedure. I was just walking thru the steps of a procedure. They drew a curtain between me and the ultrasound machine so that I couldn't see the images... They didn't care what my reason was. It didn't matter who was going to take care of me when I got home. I was never given a chance to make a connection with my child. The entire building was figuratively and literally void of life. There was nothing but numb coldness in those walls.
The moment I connected to my heart again? Immediately after my abortion was over and the doctor sat at the end of my bed with a silver basin and sloshed it around and looked in it and said, "Well, I think we got all of it." Her matter of fact words awakened me from the haze... I laid there thinking "It?... what have I just done?" I tried to sit up... my hand instinctively reached down to grasp at my stomach... I tried to scream... but couldn't do any of it... I was frozen there as sheer emptiness set in... I wanted to peer into that basin... wanted to see what she was seeing... could she see my baby there? did it really look like a baby? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done...
I couldn't move. They left me there. Rushed around. Scooped up there instruments... the door slammed shut behind them... I was left there alone as they walked down the hallway with the remains my baby in that basin.
I felt an incredible urge to get out of that building... I was nauseated... more scared now... wanted to escape... I dressed and left without telling anyone, tried to run down the hallway and get out... I was hoping that I would push open the door and breathe in the fresh air and be free from this anxiety and panic that was suffocating me... but when I opened the door I didn't find freedom, in fact, my chains had just been placed on... I spent over a year chained in my silence, shame, guilt, remorse, sadness, emptiness, hatered... just to name a few emotions... I was what they call "the walking dead".
I finally reached out for help and went through intense counseling and took a very long journey of learning to forgive myself. It's been over 3 years. I'm still on that journey. Not a single day goes by that I don't remember my child and wish I could go back and revese what I did... offer protection to my baby. I will never forget. I can't. Mothers don't forget their children. Ever.
K.
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