Re: Oh not again. -- Unplanned Pregnancy Advice Board

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Subject: Re: Oh not again.

Author:
Pat

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Date Posted: 08/14/09 12:32am
In reply to: Bella 's message, "Oh not again." on 08/13/09 9:56pm

Hello, Bella,

I'm sorry you are being treated this way. It isn't right. I assume that the father knows what makes babies, and he chose to take a chance. Please know that when a woman has sex, her body releases hormones that cause her to bond with her partner.

Let me talk a moment about what love is. There are several different kinds of love. There is brotherly love. There is the love of friends. There is love of family. There is romantic love, and there is self-sacrificing love. Romantic love is what happens when you are attracted to someone, or when you have sex. But the kind of love you deserve is self-sacrificing love. This is a decision, not an emotion. Your boyfriend really owes it to you, and did owe it to you to choose to cherish you before you ever went to bed with him. He didn't do that. You deserve better. So regardless of whether you love him or not, and regardless of whether you chose to cherish him, he is asking something of you he has no right whatsoever to ask. He chose to take a chance. HE ruined his life, not you. And your baby doesn't deserve to pay for HIS actions with his or her life.

You don't want an abortion. So don't have one! It's not selfish to protect your child. Lots of children aren't planned. More than half my family wasn't planned. Obviously, our two adopted children weren't planned, but also two of our other children weren't planned, either. I cherish them all.

Your boyfriend is manipulating you. You don't owe it to him to get him off the hook, and you don't owe it to him to hurt yourself and your baby. Don't let him manipulate you. Stand your ground. His behavior is abusive, and quite frankly, he doesn't deserve for you to cater to that wish. Nobody has a right to demand that someone else forfeit their life for his comfort. He simply is NOT cherishing you. He's not even coming close. It's a hurtful reality, but that's the way it is. He may come around. Some guys do eventually. But he may not. But you have to stand firm in the meantime because abortion is forever.

When a woman gets pregnant after an abortion, it is tempting to get into a cycle of one abortion after another. But that cycle won't be broken until the mother either stops having sex, can't conceive anymore, or carries a baby to term. Abortion is dangerous, and could take your life. You have three other children to take care of. What would they do if you had an abortion and it killed you?

Stand your ground. Take one day at a time. You have made the right decision, but you know it is a difficult one, so you are worried. And that is entirely reasonable. But do the right thing, and let your boyfriend go deal with it. Please take care of yourself and your baby.

We will be here for you and we will pray for you. Come back any time.

Hugs,
Pat

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[> Subject: Re: Oh not again.

Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 08/14/09 10:04am

Hi Bella,

Welcome!

I think it's so hard for women to get entangled in the biological father's doubts, manipulations and sometimes outright pressures and ultimatums about a new life created because they feel vulnerable being pregnant with their child.

It makes all the sense in the world to have the input of the father weigh heavily, but in the case of a pressure to abort it really does tweak and pervert all kinds of instincts, both those we have naturally as women to protect our little ones growing inside us, and those to look to the father for support.

So - it doesn't surprise me that you are confused on an emotional level! You have confusing messages and instincts going on.

I think you have done so well to take to heart your strong conviction during your last abortion to not repeat that sense of destruction. You are already being a strong mother to your little one whether it feels like it or not!

It's easier said than done, but if you can try to place the biological father's opinions and pressures on the back burner, with the greater priority being the reality that this is your baby, your body, and your conscience. Since you have already made your decision, maybe just some time to let things settle is all that's needed.

And if it's any consolation, you aren't alone! There are so many women who face an unplanned pregnancy with the added stress of a biological father trying to add guilt that
the mother is 'ruining' his life by going through with protecting life.

He is scared and inconvenienced, and is (wrongly) taking these apprehensions out on you, even if he says them 'sweetly.' You have no reason to be apologetic about being a good mother and a strong woman!

I have children similar to the ages of your - four actually! 11,10,9 and 7. We didn't 'plan' any but the first one and we'd have spaced them further apart if we'd had it in our power to do so. I'm so thankful for God's providence, though. I LOVE having them so close in age now and our 4th child, our little girl Clara, is the seriously the world's sweetest and joyful child. I can't imagine my life without her beautiful smiles and sweet hugs.

Children are not the first area in my life I've encountered where I've become thankful for God's tapestry of things prevailing over my finite vision of how things ought to be. :)

You can do it; you've passed the hardest hurdle in going through an abortion and learning from it, and deciding so resolutely to protect this little one. May he or she be a delight beyond words to your mother's heart, and may God give you grace abundantly each day to go through this pregnancy with peace, wisdom and even joy through the challenges.

With Kindness,

Heather