| Subject: Re: Torn |
Author:
Sharon
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Date Posted: 08/31/09 8:24pm
In reply to:
Melanie
's message, "Torn" on 08/31/09 1:03pm
Melanie,
From your post, you sound as if you really think about things indepth. That ability to analyze can be very useful (and certainly is evidenced by your pursuit of advanced degrees), but it also can predispose a person to being somewhat obessive. I don't say that in a critical way - I say that more as an observation and because I think it bears on how you might tend to deal with an abortion, should you have one. I actually am much the same way - mulling things and looking at them from many angles until I nearly exhaust myself sometimes (that's maybe why I recognize a bit of that in your post ;-)
There are a number of things I want to share...I'm not quite sure where to start.
First, your husband may be irresponsible and your marriage may not be good, but the fact is that you are carrying your own child in you right now and he or she is completely dependent upon you to protect him or her. It may be that your marriage will collapse at some point, but that is actually a separate issue from the fact that you are a mother to the children you've lost, to your 15-month-old son, and to your little one in your womb. It might be tempting to want to avoid the realization of what abortion does, but I'm afraid with your ability to reflect upon things, that would definitely come back to haunt you in the future. Much as you might resent your husband for being irresponsible, he's actually done something that might save you a great deal of grief by sharing with you the (unfortunately, gruesome) details of abortion. You can end a pregnancy but you can't erase it. And, the realities of gestational development are undeniable.
It's those very realities that helped me to decide to cancel my appointment for an abortion nearly 30 years ago. My step-mother, who was pro-choice and an OB-Gyn nurse, knew that I was wrestling with the decision. (I was a freshman in college and feared a baby would dash my hopes of ever finishing college.) She said, very wisely, "I know YOU, Sharon [meaning she knew my tendency to feel things deeply and to think about things more intensly than some people might) and YOU could never live with yourself if you had an abortion." She then took out her nursing textbooks and proceeded to show me pictures of gestational development. I was floored. I was choosing to think of "it" as a "blob of cells" and a "mass of tissue" as Planned Parenthood referred to "it". But, in reality, he had tiny fingers and toes, a heart that had been beating for a few weeks already, brain waves, and all of his organs in place! What I couldn't see at that point, but have come to see brilliantly clearly as he's grown, is the loving, funny, bright, sunny, wise, considerate, smart person he became. And just last year, he and his girlfriend had a little baby boy... It's is chilling and sobering to realize that I held both of their lives in my hands as I made "my" choice back in 1979...
Another thing I want to point out is that, while at this moment, completing the second Masters this spring seems of paramount importance, in retrospect - should you decide to give birth to your child - you will realize that such arbitrary timelines pale in comparison to the importance of your child's life. I ended up taking 5 years to get my undergraduate degree rather than the typical 4. I went on to complete my Masters and am now happy in my career as an Instructional Technologist. But, without any hesitation, I would say that my greatest accomplishment has been my children. My job, while enjoyable, doesn't hold a candle to the joy they bring.
I truly fear, from the tenor of your post, that you would deeply regret having an abortion. Further, I fear having an abortion would taint your enjoyment of completing your Masters on time, making it difficult for you to fully enjoy and reap the benefits of the degree. Perhaps the school can work with you to let you finish on time. Schools are supposed to make accomodations for pregnant students. In fact, I think you could make a stink if they didn't make accomodations for you.
I guess, in closing (sorry this has been such a lengthy post!) I want to encourage you to see your pregnancy and your marital difficulties as two separate issues. The marraige may or may not last...but that really has very little bearing upon continuing this pregnancy.
Sharon
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