Please help me I feel lost and alone -- Unplanned Pregnancy Advice Board

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Subject:

Please help me I feel lost and alone

Author:
Zofia

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Date Posted: 09/ 4/08 7:58am

For the last 2 years on and off I have been in a very violent and controlling relationship. We have split up and got back together 3 times each time with the promise that my other half was going to change and with me stupidly believing him. In the times when we have been together I have lost contact with all my friends and family as he made it so difficult for me to do anything without him and left me feeling trapped. We split up for the final time 4 weeks ago and despite him begging for me to take him back I know it's the wrong decision for me to make and without professional help he will never change.

I had two previous pregnancies with my ex, both unplanned while I was on the pill. I made the very difficult decision to have an abortion both times and although I don't regret them (I try not to as there is no point) they were a horrible experience and thinking about them now does get me down. I was very lucky that my parents and friends were 100% supportive.

I have now found out I'm pregnant again (with my ex's baby) and can't believe it. I feel so foolish and embarrassed to be pregnant, unplanned for the 3rd time - especially as we were practising safe sex - or so I thought.

I now just don't know what to do. My ex knows I'm pregnant and wants me to keep the baby. No one else knows, I haven't told a sole and now I'm 9 weeks and still just as confused. Part of me thinks I can't go through another abortion again, not only would it surely be damaging for my body but emotionally I worry it could be too much. The other part of me thinks that if I have the baby I will forever have my ex in my life, trying to control me and destroy it. I still love him very much but have finally realised we will never work as a couple, but I can't imagine us being able to remain friends if we had a baby together.

I also know my family would be devastated to realise I'm pregnant again and my mum and dad have already told me if I go back to him they will not be able to be a part of my life as I've have caused them so much worry and hurt. If they knew there was a chance he would be part of our lives forever I'm not sure they would be able to cope.

I feel so lost and confused and feel either way its a losing situation, I keep putting off making a decision but the further along I go the harder I know it will be and either way I need to decide now.

I sometimes wake up and truely think I can't cope with this all anymore.

Please help me.

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Replies:

[> Subject: Re: Please help me I feel lost and alone

Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 09/10/08 2:58am

Hi, Zofia,

I'm sorry I didn't know about your message sooner, and I hope that this message reaches you in time.

It's too bad you stayed with this man as long as you did, but that's water under the bridge. You are now carrying an innocent baby: YOUR baby. Your baby is depending on you for your protection. He or she doesn't deserve a violent death because of your ex's behavior. To do that would simply extend his violence against you to your child. That doesn't make any sense.

Just walk out of his life as you are doing. There are ways to protect yourself from him harassing you about having contact with your child.

Please be aware that "safe sex" isn't. There are failure rates with every birth control method. I don't understand why a woman would have sex with a man who abuses her. On the other hand, women bond with the men they have sex with, so your willingness to yield is not surprising. Just don't let him have this final triumph over your life. You deserve better. You deserve a man who will cherish you both, and not abuse you.

You obviously don't want an abortion. For that reason, you shouldn't have one! Don't let the situation coerce you.

Please visit a crisis pregnancy agency. You can find one in your area by going here:

www.pregnancycenters.org

Good luck with this. Please come back and let us know how you are doing. You will be in my prayers.

Hugs,
Pat

[> Subject: Re: Please help me I feel lost and alone

Author:
Sharon
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Date Posted: 09/19/08 2:54pm

Zofia,

I hope this message isn't too late for you. I agree with Pat, this baby is YOUR baby. You clearly don't want to have an abortion. I know you fear your parents won't want anything to do with you. But, the reality is, they might be angry at first, but once they realize this is their grandchild, they'll likely come around (almost all do.)

Mutiple abortions do create problems for your body. (Sometimes a single abortion can do so, but the risk definitely increases the more you have.)

Let us know how you're doing. I'll say a prayer for you.

Sharon