Create a New Forum Admin Login Member Login Contribute to Voyager Search VoyForums Help Desk VoyForums Exchange VoyForums Directory/Categories VoyForums Homepage VoyForums News FAQ - Frequently Asked Questions

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

Wednesday, April 15, 12:46:23

[ Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, [6], 7, 8, 9, 10 ]

Subject: He doesn't want me to have the baby Author: Alison [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 08/13/07 5:19pm I just found out that I'm pregnant last week. This pregnancy was very unexpected. I was on bcp's to control some non-stop spotting I've been having after having an IUD removed. This was my second month on bcp's, but I was also on antibiotics. I know they can interact, but we didn't use a back up, and I ended up pregnant. I definitely want to have the baby, but my boyfriend is 100% against having the baby. We already have 4 kids between us, and yes, it's tough financially, especially because we have full custody of his two youngest kids and the mom is not in their lives at all, nor does she help out financially. I have full custody of my daughter too, but I do receive child support from her father. We were planning to have a baby in the next 2-3 years, once the kids were in school, and we had a house and better jobs. This is very bad timing. We live in a 3 bedroom house with 4 kids, and definitely need something bigger now. He's pointed out everything from this not being a good time financially to us not being married yet. I realize all of this, but I also think things happen for a reason. Not to mention, I do not want to have an abortion under any circumstances. The thought literally makes me feel sick. Not because I'm against it, but because I've had one before, and don't want to ever go through that again. There's no way they'd even get me to the surgery room without me completely freaking out. So, I know I am having the baby, but I could really use his support and I'm not getting it. :( I feel like he hates me right now. To make things easier, I told him I was going to have an abortion, and that the ultrasound I'm getting to make sure the baby is growing properly is to date the pregnancy for the abortion, and my first doctor's appointment is an appointment to schedule the abortion. I feel so horrible lying, but I don't want him making me feel badly about my decision, or trying to talk me into an abortion. Instead I am going to tell him I just couldn't go through with the abortion, and by then I will be farther along. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just know I feel so alone right now. I am happy about this baby, and I want him to be happy too. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: He doesn't want me to have the baby Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/14/07 10:25pm Hi, Alison, If you don't want an abortion, don't have one! The best thing to begin with is to tell him you have decided you don't want an abortion and it's not open to discussion. If he tries to discuss it, walk out of the room. If he follows you, tell him you are leaving the room and he is not to follow you. If he still persists, walk outside. Don't discuss it with him. Tell him again, it's not open to discussion. If he thinks not being married yet is a problem, tell him you should get married. Go to your local crisis pregnancy agency, and they will help you with the expenses you cannot presently afford. They will also help you learn how to deal with him. Obviously, lying to him was not a good thing, and I wouldn't say anything about that just yet. Don't count on him backing off because you are further along. Depending on where you live, abortion MAY be legal until birth. It is in the United States. Most men don't relate to pregnancy until they can observe evidence that the baby really exists. It could be seeing changes in the mother's body, hearing a heartbeat, feeling motion, or seeing an ultrasound. Give him time and space. But stand firm. If worse comes to worst, simply tell him that you aren't willing to live with someone who wants you to do violence to the child you share. If necessary, take your own kids and go someplace else for a few days. Go on strike, so to speak. Be firm with him, but if he is willing simply to acquiesce, let it go at that for now. It would be wonderful for him to be supportive, but a lot of guys aren't to begin with. Eventually he is very likely to come around. Just try to make clear to him that you feel that if he is worthy of you, he won't make you do this, and this is a test where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. We'll be here for you. I think he will come around. You both have too much going for you for him to give up. If you have gotten help, and he sees that you have a plan for dealing with the pregnancy, it will help. Babies aren't that expensive in some ways. If you breastfeed, food won't cost much. You can probably get diapers from a crisis pregnancy agency as well, and medical costs can often be taken care of there as well. Good luck with this. Hugs, Pat

[> Subject: Re: He doesn't want me to have the baby Author: Alison [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/15/07 6:36pm Thank you so much for your reply and your advice. Well, I know he won't make me have an abortion past 12 weeks, he thinks once it "looks" more like a baby, then it's a baby. Right now the biggest problem is, he doesn't want to accept any kind of government assistance. He grew up with a mom on assistance, and doesn't want that for his family. I understand, but we also have a unique situation. His ex-wife, and mother of two of his kids, is in jail for embezzling money, and we lost her help paying for the kids completely when she went to jail. We weren't expecting her to go to jail when she did, so the new expenses caught us by surprise. We're managing, and he got a second job, but I know a new baby will make us struggle even more. I feel really guilty for not being able to have an abortion, but I can't, I just can't. The only hope we have is that I might have a new job in the next 3 months, which would mean I was making twice my salary now, which would ease the burden a lot, and even make him warm up to the idea of a new baby. I just feel at such a loss. I'm going to take your advice, and hold steady on my decision, and not let him talk me out of what I have already decided. I know he will love this baby, and come around, I'm just kind of shocked by his negative reaction. I thought he'd support my decision, but I can also tell he's really scared about all of this.

[> Subject: Re: He doesn't want me to have the baby Author: kris [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/18/07 2:01pm Hey , I just read your post. I am going through the same thing . I just found out that I am pregnant , I told my bf and he is NOT happy at all. He is being very negative and saying very mean hurtful things. I want this baby. It was not planned at all. I thought about an abortion and I cant . I cant do that to myself , my emotions , my body . I just cant . I really wish I could, but I cant. I feel that he is going to resent me so much for deciding this. He is already being so mean and so cold towards me. How are things going with u and your hubby? Are they better?