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Subject: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Su (Crushed) [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 02/19/09 7:27am Hi, I dont really know what to say but i dont really have anyone else to talk to and i saw this site online and figured i might give it a shot. I'm 23 single working mother of a 2 year old. i'm about 10 weeks pregnate i find out for sure this friday how far long i am. The father of my baby is the love of my life, I've loved him since i was 16 and he has been my bestfriend since i was 13, I really dont knwo what went wrong with us but we broke up a few days before we found out i was pregnant. We tried getting back together for a while when i told him i couldnt go threw with the abortion. He looked really sad and stressed and i asked him if he was happy with me and loved me and asked that he be honest, he said no he wasnt happy and he wasnt sure he loved me anymore. My mother is angry with me and told me if i have this baby i have to get out of her house. And that means my daughter has no where to stay or I have to leave my daughter with my mother. I should also memtion that my daughter was born with Infant Hip Dysplias and has a sugery coming up to try and correct it. The father of this baby is not the father of my daughter. He now says he hates me and that he wants nothing to do with me but he wants to be apart of the childs life if i chose to have it and if i dont then it would be the best thing for us because he doesnt want me in his life anymore. I'm torn between having an abortion and keeping it. With all my heart i want to keep it but he will make my life a living hell. I fear his family will try and take it from me. I dont really have anyone else to talk to and the few ppl i have spoken to all tell me to do what i feel is right. But what is right? Follow my heart and have it? or Give the father his life back and just take care of my daughter that needs alot more attention and care then most... I'm lost, confused and hurt. Any advice or words of wisdom i would greatly appricitate it. Thank you for your time, Su. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/20/09 7:12pm Hello, Su, If I had a nickel for every father who tried their darndest to manipulate the mother into destroying their child, that I have talked to, I'd be rich! This man is manipulating you bigtime. He wants to evade responsibility for the child he created. That could change after awhile, but it's the way things are now, and he isn't likely to change before the second trimester at the earliest, and most abortions are done in the first trimester. Your baby is depending on you for your protection. Please protect your baby! If he is willing to break up with you now because you didn't hop to and run to the nearest abortion facility and let the abortionist rape and scrape, then it's extremely unlikely that the relationship will last if you have an abortion. For one thing, you will resent it very deeply. You will be outraged and feel guilty. The only chance you have is to refuse to capitulate. If you don't want an abortion, don't have one! If you tell him your mind is made up, then eventually he will leave you alone. Refuse to discuss it with him. Tell him you have made your decision. There are ways to deal with his multiple threats. The best thing right now to do is go to a counselor who is trained to deal with this type of problem, and to get help so that you have a place to live, and the finances to make a go of it. You can find these resources by going here: pregnancycenters.org. We will be here for you. We understand about having a child who needs extra care, and we will pray that all will go well with your daughter's surgery, and she will be fine. Before submitting her to surgery, however, please spend some time on this site: www.iahp.com. See if you can try a practitioner in your area who does low velocity manipulation. On this site, the ones who do visceral manipulation probably have the best skills. You can also call around to the osteopaths in your area, and see if anyone does low velocity manipulation. It may well be that all that needs to be done is to manipulate the bones back into place. I had a condition as a child that caused a physical therapist to conclude that one of my legs was shorter than the other. Decades later, I came across these techniques, and it turned out that this, and the bad posture I couldn't fight were due to dislocated bones. Once these were put back, including my dislocated hip, I could stand straight, and my legs were equal length. Some time after that, my hip again dislocated, and I was unable to walk for several months. At first, I didn't know what the problem was. I lived on the couch 24/7, and my kids emptied my bedpan. But I learned my hip was dislocated again, and I had three treatments to put it back, at which time it stabilized. That was about 15 years ago, and a few months after that, I began to train in taekwondo. I now hold a second degree black belt. What I am trying to say is that it's not clear that the surgery is necessary, even though the doctor says it is. I also learned that doctors don't always read X-rays correctly either. So get a second opinion, and see if you can find someone who has these skills. This is very inexpensive, and it will prove to be a big help in your situation if you can do it this way. Your mother is also acting like a jerk. She wants you to kill her grandchild, and I think I'd tell her so! I can't feel any sympathy for her, frankly, because I have a grandson who was born out of wedlock, and I don't think of him as any different from my other six grandchildren. His parents are taking excellent care of him, and it is my hope they will someday get married. I am just so happy his mother protected his life! I don't feel any shame, because kids will do what they will do, and it's their decision. They may not always follow what they are taught. Anybody who has any sense knows this. Your mother may also be trying to manipulate you, or she may really mean it. But even if she means it, she may well change her mind. Most of the time, a woman's parents come to dote on the grandchild. Give her time. If she is so hung up on her own pride that she would actually do this, you're better off away from her influence for now. You already have a child, and evidently she accepted her readily enough (at least eventually). Maybe she isn't willing to give you a third chance. It's her loss! The agency you find in your area will help you deal with the legal issues involved here, and help you find housing if you need it. Hang in there! We're in your corner. Come and talk to us any time. Hugs, Pat [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Leah [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/20/09 7:17pm Hi Su I was just looking in here because I myself have posting up here. First thing I want to say is please just breathe right now...take a second and inhale big and deep. This is tough and you have the answer already,it's just so hard to see it. You need to look past this guy....and that's hard to do because he is such a huge part of your life...you know what will be an even bigger part of your life this baby! Girl I have gone through every range of emotion and I know first hand that it is tough....especially when you are putting someone else's wants in front of yours. You see what you are leaving out here is that this baby is half his he donated half the DNA and so did you...so love this baby! No it won't be easy,but there are people who will help you and love you all the way through this and beyond. Keep talking it out,the ladies here can put you in contact with some great people who can help you. They can help you with housing and things. If you can't parent this baby if you feel there is no way,there is adoption....that's also something you could think about. Keep your head held high and reach out to the things and around you that bring you joy...take comfort in them. You have more control here than you realize...recognize the power to love yourself. Keep talking you are loved! [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/21/09 3:37am Su, I know your mother has said she'd kick you out if you have this baby, but it's hard to imagine a grandmother who would do that once they see and hold their little grandchild. So, like Pat said, this time is a crucial time for you to protect yourself and your little one. After he or she comes into the world, it is likely your mother's attitude will change and maybe even your boyfriend's. But, neither of those truly matter in the long run. What matters is that you know in your heart that you love and cherish this little one, even though he or she is very tiny right now. At this moment, you are the only one who can protect your child's life, and you must do it for your child's sake and for your sake. I hear in your post how connected you are to this little one already. One of the main indicators of whether or not a woman will regret an abortion is if she feeds pressured - either by the people around her or by her life circumstances - to have the abortion against the wishes of her heart. So, be strong and follow your heart. You will not regret it. Sharon [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Kimi (Crying) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 06/19/09 2:49pm Hello, I wish I could find this board. I wanted to keep my baby. But my mum used all her power on me to force what she wanted like su's mum. The father of the baby, never give me a time to discuss about my pregnancy. I was alone. I felt like I was alone on the earth.. My mum and the father of the baby never listened to how I didn't want to have the abortion. I managed to visit two organisation. First one- I found out that they are actually performing the abortion. Another one- they tried to tell me how abortion was risky for women's body. I didn't want to have the abortion so that I wanted to bring the father of the baby to there to change his mind. But he was furious at me visiting there. Both of them tried really hard how keeping the baby was disadvantage. I was having severe morning sickness. No one cared about this even my mum. I was so dizzy, stomach pain, not able to drink even some water, not able to eat almost all food, feeling nausea almost 24/7. I had been anti-abortion belief until I got pregnant out of wedlock. At the hospital, I was still trying to change the father of the baby's mind. I was pleading him to keep my baby.. I didn't know there was a help for me to keep the baby. Because I was oversea student and wasn't born in the country where I am living. At the hospital, I felt that I wanted to see the baby so that I told my boyfriend about that but he said 'NO'. I didn't listened to what I wanted and what I never wanted. When I came out from my work, there was a protester in front of the next building. I was looking at the panel which they hold in their hands. I understand their belief as I had had the same opinion as them. The facts of abortion is tragedy for the baby/babies and the mother. Both of them were abandoned from the ones who the mother of the baby loved. The mother of the baby and the baby were abandoned and not being loved from them. There was no help for me even emotional support. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> Subject: Re: Dear Kimi Author: Shellie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 06/19/09 8:50pm Dear Kimi, My heart goes out to you! I'm so sorry that you had to experience this pain and feelings of abandonment. It saddens me to know that you are still being abandoned, because the people who wanted you to abort most likely don't understand your pain now. I hope you are a believer in God because He is the one who can help you with your pain. Go to Him, he will forgive you and give the strength to deal with your loss. Post here as often as you want. And fell free to email me personally at bc300yds@hotmail.com. Prayers are being sent your way. Hugs, Shellie [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 06/19/09 10:46pm Dear Kimi, My heart goes out to you. I am crying with you. The way everyone treated you was very unfair! Thank you so much for telling us your story. We will be here, and we will stick with you while you work through this. I am very aware that many women don't know about the help available. We are doing our best to make sure women know. And people will badger a woman, and take advantage of her when she is feeling weak. I'll give you some information about morning sickness for the future. One of the best ways to deal with it is probably ginger tea. A woman can sip it. Also a woman should make sure she's getting enough protein, if she can keep food down. A good doctor can recommend medication. Also, some women find eating a couple of crackers before getting out of bed to be helpful. Some people have said eating watermelon helps. There is no reason at all that you cannot remain against abortion. There are many women who have experienced abortion who are, and who try to help other women. Go to God and tell Him that you are sorry for the part you played in this situation. But don't take the blame for the things other people did to you. You were coerced. That isn't your fault. But pray. God has already paid for your abortion, and His forgiveness is readily available to you. Take one day at a time. You might find it helpful to read the Psalms. God loves you and so do we. You might try to go back to the place where you went before, where they told you abortion is dangerous. They may have a program to help people in your position. I'm a little concerned, however, because you said that this place tried to convince you having a baby was hard. That wasn't helpful. So if you need to go someplace else, please let us know! If you're not getting through to your family, confront them if you have to. They should have helped you instead of abandoning you. I don't know what the relationship between you and them is like. But this relationship can also be healed. As for the father, do whatever you think is best. If you think it will be better to break up with him, then go ahead. He put you at risk in the first place. Allow yourself to feel anger at how you were treated, and allow yourself to grieve. You might find it helpful to prepare a memorial for your baby. You can plant a tree, name your baby, or put up a page on a web site. After awhile, it will be best for your peace of mind if you forgive the people who forced you. You won't want to. Your emotions will get in the way. But forgiveness isn't an emotion. It's a decision. It's the decision to refrain from holding what they did to you against them. Let it go. God will help. You might tell God that you don't want to forgive them, and He will have to help you. He will. I pray that God will heal you emotionally and spiritually. We will be here for you. Please take care of yourself. Hugs, Pat [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Su (Blank...) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/22/09 11:41am I made an appointment for this up coming saturday for an abortion. I feel dead inside and as if God is going to punish me for even thinking of this. I cant stop crying but I need him out of my life and I need to move out of my mothers and it will be extreamly hard to do so with two children. I feel like I'm making excuses to make this OK. When I know in my heart this can never be OK. I feel as if I'm selling my soul to the devil just so that I can break free of him. And my selfishness is going to take the mother I am to my daughter away. I love her with my entire being and I dont want to change and be less then I am for her now. She comes to me and hugs me and I have to fight back tears because it hurts. I feel ashamed of myself. I always thought I was stronger then this. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/23/09 12:03am Su, You don't have to do this! You really don't. PRAY. God will give you the strength. I know it. Did you talk to anyone at a local crisis pregnancy agency? This is what you need to do. They WILL help you. Once again, the link is here: pregnancycenters.org We will certainly be praying for you. Whatever you do, just hang on! Take one hour at a time if you have to. You are letting your fears get the better of you. You are assuming your mother will kick you out. She may have said she will, but when it comes to the crunch, do you think she will? Your baby is DEPENDING on you for your protection, and you are the only person in the entire world who can protect him or her. Suppose you go inside an abortion mill. If it looks filthy, run out of there. Even if it doesn't, you don't KNOW that the instruments have been sterilized properly. Even if you think you could take care of your daughter, what would happen if you had a deadly infection, or the abortionist punctured something vital? It happens all the time! Your daughter deserves to have a sibling. I can tell you how lonely I was as a child until my sister was born. I wanted a sister so bad! You will not only be taking your baby's life, but your daughter's companion. Should you do that to her? Seriously! God WILL give you the strength. It may not seem like it, but if you pray and take one hour at a time, He WILL see you through. I guarantee it. This is a test. Will you reject God's gift, and destroy this little one made in His image, or do you think He knows what He was doing when He gave you this baby? He has ENTRUSTED you with this gift! God does forgive, but we are also not to tempt God. We here are crying with you. I feel dead just hearing your words, so I can imagine what you must be feeling. You already know this is the wrong decision. Don't walk through that door! You may change your mind at the last minute, and they may hold you down and physically force you to submit. Yes, it happens! You can get the father out of your life. Just don't have anything to do with him. If you go to a crisis pregnancy agency, they will help you find housing. Try it. You have NOTHING to lose! Remember what God said: My strength is made perfect in weakness. He wants you to see that strength comes from Him. LET Him give you that strength! Don't fight Him. Just yield, tell Jesus that you will let Him work His perfect will in your life. We love all three of you, and we're praying for you. Hugs, Pat [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Melanie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/23/09 12:45am Su, IT's funny, but a there are times in my daughter's life when she has wanted so badly to be independent on her own that she has rushed into things only to make herself more dependent than ever. If you know this will affect you in such a way, could this not be the case in your situation? It's quite obvious this is not what you want, and you do have a choice. You can be stronger, you just have to do it. Instead of an appointment for an abortion why not make an appointment for an agency that will help you plan for your children? Tell them your concerns and ask them if they CAN plan to help you leave your mom's in the near future with two children. The nice thing about pregnancy lasting nine months is that you do have time to plan ahead. To be honest, I never noticed that having one more child made a huge difference for us financially until a bit down the road. If you can leave with one, you can probably leave with two. Just becuase you have an appointment for an abortion does not mean you are obligated to go. Even if you actually went, it does not mean you are obligated to go through with it. You DO have a choice and you can have a change of heart. In your case where just thinking about it is as painful as it seems to be for you, then I really urge you to reconsider or at least allow yourself the luxury of seeing what other help there is out there and plans you can make with both of your children before you do something that is so drastic and irreversible. It will be a whole lot easier for you to live with. You and your daughter deserve that much. As for your mother and your boyfriend their reactions are not terribly uncommon. Guys generally will come around or just leave entirely. More often than not, parents will come around. The best way to stop the pressure is to just hold firm and be resolute. The threats are the worst when you are uncertain. I have known several people who's parents threatened to disown their children if they didn't abort. They didn't. They loved their grandchildren. In one case, the mother was very adamant about disowning her daughter for not aborting. I went over to visit her and the mother was at her apartment holding the baby when I got there. LOL [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Leah [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/23/09 4:02pm I get where you are coming from,I really really do.....honestly though it sounds now as you are wanting to have an abortion to get over this guy. You won't you will only think about him even more,because you will be thinking about the baby even more I promise,I have had an abortion. I feel for you,but is this really what you want to do? You have clearly stated it is not. You see there never is a baby that "could have been" there IS a baby,regardless of what you do that baby will ALWAYS have been here. I am going to share something that up to this point I have not shared before,I too had an appointment for an abortion,I am 20 weeks now. I went to the appointment I went in the room I got up on the table,I let the doc put in the lameneria tents(something used to dialate the cervix in later abortions) As soon as he did this he left and I broke down I knew then it was not right,his nurse came in and told me he could come back and remove them (they had only been in about 20 minutes) he did and he was angry with me for wasting his time!!!!! Yet he was there to support my right to choose??? I CHOSE to change my mind! I was lucky because not enough damage was done and my child is ok and so am I. When you go it will be permanent. Please give yourself a bit more time to make sure......I fear for you because of your emotional state right now. Please at least call a center and talk to someone even if you do go please still call! You need an ear who will listen,keep talking ok,keep posting,do what you gotta do....I am worried for you! [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/23/09 11:01am Su, My heart aches when I read your post. First, the important thing is that you haven't aborted yet. Once you do(and I hope and pray you don't), you won't ever be able to do anything about it no matter how much you want to. So, right now is an incredibly important time. I know you worry about being able to support yourself and two children. But, I promise you that you will find a way. I know this to be true - even though I don't know you, because I hear in your post your love for BOTH of your children. There are many programs and services designed just for single mothers! I benefited from them when my children were little. I'm now on the other end of it - paying the taxes that support these programs. And, I would love it if my tax money were to go to help someone like you! ;-) There are programs that provide food vouchers (WIC - Women, Infants, and Children - is through your County Health Nurse and specifically provides you and your children up to age 5 with vouchers for healthy food such as milk, fruit juice, cheese, eggs, peanut butter, iron-fortified cereals, etc.), food stamps (which can be used for almost any food you like), heating assistance, rent assistance, daycare assistance. It's amazing how much is out there that many people don't know about. Your local crisis pregnancy center will probably be able to link you up to to the resources in your area, including these and more. In fact - and I don't like to advertise this, but it's the truth - I found that when I got pregnant with my first son while I was going to college, I ended up having MORE income and MORE resources than I had when I was single and without a child. So, while I didn't get pregnant to GET the resources, the fact is I benefited to the point where I was BETTER off having a child than I had been when I was trying to get by on my own. So, the bottom line is that with two children, you would be in line for a great deal of assistance. I think the major thing that's influencing you, though, is that you want the baby's father out of your life. I understand that, but it's not worth sacrificing your child and risking the impact that would have on your relationship with your daughter. It would seem that seeing your daughter would remind you of her sibling that wasn't there - and that you might feel pangs of guilt even being happy with your daughter knowing that you aborted her little brother or sister. You would find a way to balance his role in your life IF he chose to play some role in your child's life. It may very well be, though, that he will choose to let that role drop. Finally, if you decide you want to go ahead with the abortion, you owe it to yourself to fully educate yourself about the realities of abortion. There are web sites that show an actual abortion being performed on a 10-week fetus. It is heart-wrenching and eye-opening in terms of just how developed the fetus is at that stage. One in particular is http://www.abortionno.com (The abortion was performed in Russia where people don't have very much money and abortions are unfortunately very common. The photographer, a war footage photographer, got the abortionist to let him videotape the abortion in exchange for money. The photographer said his work videotaping war footage did not prepare him for the graphic realities of what an abortion looks like.) I know this sounds like harsh advice, but I would hate to find out AFTER having an abortion that the fetus is not just a "blob of tissue" or "mass of cells" (which is what Planned Parenthood and other abortion clinics refer to the fetus as.) I know how easy it is to allow yourself to believe that the "product of conception" is only a small blob. I believed it when I was pregnant and made an appointment to have an abortion. I wrestled, too, with what to do. I ended up cancelling the appointment. I cannot tell you in words how grateful I am that I made that decision. You'll be in my prayers, Su. Sharon [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> Subject: CORRECTED Website link for abortionno.ORG Author: Sharon Gray [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/24/09 9:01am Hi, Su. I just realized I typed the URL in wrong. It's http://www.abortionno.org. Sorry about that. Sharon [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Su [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/24/09 7:21am I was on WIC and Medicade when I had my daughter. When I started working they said i made to much money to receive any more WIC. My mother lives in housing and I dont want her to get kicked out because of me, I've asked her to put me on the lease to the apartment but they told her she couldnt because she had already taken me off the lease. I make secent money but not enough to live on my own and support two children. I will try calling one of those crisis Pregnancy Help lines. I just dont know what to do anymore. It is horrible to admit but the only reason I wouldnt have this baby is to get away from the father. I have never seen him this horrible to anyone, and I know he is stress as am I. There is just alot of side things going on too. I may have HPV. I'm still waiting on the test results from the doctor. Everything just seems so hopeless. And its embarrissing and shameful to admit. I'm very scattered brained lately and its very hard for me to Concentrate on almost anything. I feel like I'm just whinning and making excuses for everything. I just dont have anyone to talk to, I feel so alone and hurt. I'm trying to be strong for my daughter and possibly the child growing inside me, and i never thought i was one to lose hope, but at the moment everything seems hopeless to me. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Leah [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/24/09 11:11am It's great to hear from you even though things aren't so great for you right now. I went through hell and back just recently trying to decide whether or not to have my baby. If you look a few post down you can read my story....seriously I felt like I was losing my mind totally! I am not going to tell you taht things will be roses and just so easy for you,because they won't,but it's can you believe in yourself,do you have enough faith to put out there that things will work out? See that's the hardest question....asking yourself to trust in a future unknown. If I could promise you everything would be great.....you would have no prob right? Well that's the thing,we are given things for a reason,although we may not know what that reason is yet. If you decide to have the abortion.....your baby will still have existed. I am just really worried about you because right now you are grieving the loss of your relationship....you are heartbroken and I can tell!!!! How much more grief do you think you can stand? Please just give yourself some time...it is such a great gift. Think and breathe and spend time loving your daughter...really focus on her and yourself,think about your baby,I know you are. I have had an abortion and I suffer all the time,evn now....I wonder I cry I get mad I look at my son and cry because I just will never know,I think about the baby boy growing inside of me this very minute as I type(he actually just kicked me lol) Please keep talking...it really is the best way keep posting...these ladies will always answer back,they have for me! Get in touch with the center closest to you and go see them,you can bring your daughter too! Even if you do decide to have the abortion please don't stop posting or calling your center they will help you!!!! I am wishing such AMAZING things for you.....I think you are strong,and right now it is just hard to see past the issues which you are struggling with,you don't have to struggle alone anymore!!!!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Heather [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/24/09 3:57pm Hi Su, I am late to this post and have just read the string. I can't add a whole lot more than the great posts that have already been written express. I'd like to echo the great wisdom of calling the Pregnancy Resource Center near you, though. These are truly a one stop shop of every assistance you could ask for when pregnant - material and emotional. Everything is free, and you'd be surprised how much they can assist with. In general - please know that you're definitely not alone, and that there is great hope. So many unplanned pregnancies have turned out not only "ok" but joyous even. It is truly a bumpy ride, many things in life are. But you, in my opinion, are in the hardest part of it right now. Once a woman is at peace with keeping her baby and looking forward from there, the stress level tends to drop dramatically and many other things start falling into place. Not perfectly, but well enough for her to be released to enjoy the miracle growing in her and look forward to life. I'm sorry for the emotional turmoil you're in right now. Being a woman, and having watched many women in unplanned pregnancies on both ends of the spectrum of choice, I think a good piece of stability and wisdom is to make your decision right now based on what you know to be right, not what you feel. Reason being that truth is always truth and never changes, but our circumstances that produce the feelings of fear, despair, worry.....they all change at some time or another. Look back on your life already. You've no idea what even a year from now will look like, but abortion is permanent. Once that little one is terminated, they are gone forever and cannot be brought back, even when circumstances change later. I am very tender to the great number of women out there struggling with the aftereffects of abortion, and know that most of them were not supported as they should have been, nor leveled with when they ought to have been. So if your mind is telling you that you don't sit well with abortion, and would not like to end the life of the human being growing inside you - I would go with this and choose accordingly. Everything else can be managed, one way or another. Welcome to the forum, by the way! With Kindness, Heather P.S. - Leah, you are awesome beyond words. Thank you so much for being willing to open up. I'm very thankful things have worked out as they have for you. Peace be with you and your son! [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/24/09 6:49pm Su, You mention that your income was too high for WIC, but they will count your baby growing inside you, too, now. So, you actually would be a family of three - that would mean your income might qualify now. Something to look into. As for HPV, unfortunately, it's a VERY common thing these days. The main thing is that you have to be extra careful to get regular PAP smears because it never really is eradicated from your system amd some forms of HPV seem to be associated with cervical cancer. But, like I said, these days it is unfortunately very common. HPV does not interfere with a pregnancy, so you should be fine that way. You're in my prayers... Sharon [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/24/09 1:03pm Hi, Su, I am daring to hope that you will decide to protect your little one's life. The crisis pregnancy agency can probably be very helpful on how to get the father out of your life. There are definitely things you can do along those lines. Also, don't worry so much about his family getting your baby. They don't really have a lot of legal rights at all. I doubt seriously if they can do a thing. Let me talk to you just a little about how women and men react to situations like these. When a woman has sex, she experiences hormones that cause her to bond with the person she had sex with. Men don't have these kinds of hormones. It's one reason men can so often walk away from a relationship and think nothing of it. What this man has done to you has been cruel. I mentioned he's trying to manipulate you. To me it's obvious that you still have a bond with him. Have you ever heard it said that the opposite of love is not hate? The opposite of love is indifference! Since you now hate him, you still have that bond. So what to do about it? Distance yourself from him. The emotions you are experiencing will heal over time. My best guess is that it will take about a year altogether. But as time goes on, it does get better. I have been in the same state of mind as you. We raised seven children. During a good part of that time, we either had too little income or no income at all! Imagine what it is like knowing that seven children are depending on you, and you haven't had income for months. I was angry at God. I asked Him why. I couldn't even pray. I felt like I was clinging to the side of a cliff by my fingernails. We managed to survive, and we never took any welfare, but my husband's mother helped us a lot. But this problem went on for years and years. We went deeply into debt. At times it just seemed like we couldn't go on. But eventually, everyone left home, and now things are good, though we never really know for how long. Also at this point, our debt is virtually nonexistent, and we actually have a little to fall back on if necessary. Nothing in life is certain. You could have plenty of money and be really secure, and it could fall apart. And you could think you are destitute, and suddenly, things just work out. If you distance yourself from this man, and make yourself available, a good man could come along, someone who would cherish all of you. You deserve no less. It has happened to several of the people who post here. The thing we tend to fear most is uncertainty. But life is uncertain. That's just the way it is. You are a lot stronger than you think. Give God a chance. He WILL help you. At more than ten weeks, your baby is fully formed. You don't even want to think about what the abortionist will do to that beautiful little baby, but believe me, if you have an abortion, you will. Abortion is forever. Given how you are feeling, please know that many women become suicidal afterwards, and I believe that some of the women I have talked to have actually gone through with it. I never heard from them again. One woman we talked to was feeling suicidal one night, and another woman who posts here and I talked her through messages all night to keep her from doing it. I was never so scared in my entire life! I tried calling the suicide prevention center in her city; she was about 3000 miles away. They put me on hold on my dime, and I stayed there for 20 minutes before I finally gave up and hung up. I tried to call a woman I knew there, hoping she could help, at 3 am, but she didn't answer. I learned later she was out of town. Fortunately, the woman didn't go through with it, and we have kept in touch, and it's been several years. One time more recently, she told me, "My abortion ruined my life!" Su, I don't want you to be in that position! You are not a good candidate for abortion. The fact you don't want one, and that you are now feeling anxious and in despair, just think how you would react if you had an abortion, and you realized that you can't take it back; it's too late. I am relieved to hear that you will go and talk to someone in an agency. They CAN help you. You'd be amazed all the things they know that will help. Just don't walk through that abortion facility door. I know people who were physically held down and forced to submit to an abortion. Don't put yourself in that position. I continue to cry for you and pray for you. We love you. Hugs, Pat [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Leah [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/24/09 5:50pm Hi Su I know I posted already earlier today....but I forgot to say something so very important to you....I BELIEVE IN YOU!! :) I don't know you except from your story,and you don't know me but I truly do believe in you. I think you are strong and courageous beyond words just to be able to open up and share your journey and your fears with people you have never met. Can you do me a favor even just for a minute.Think about all the great things you have experienced,all the peoples lives you have touched,all the happy things you can think of that you have done,felt,experienced. Now take these feelings and please hold on to them so very tight. Take those feelings and they will help you deal with all the crappy bad stuff you are going through. Believe in yourself,and please believe that there are people who want to and WILL help you. I just hope you keep posting and talking...anytime you need. Please don't you forget either that I BELIEVE IN YOU! :) [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Su [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/25/09 9:20am So a friend of mine spoke to my mother and my mother said she just doesnt want me to end up being one of those girls that has like 5 kids by different men and still living with her and leaving her to watch all of them. Shes afraid that it might be to much for me to handle and too much pressure for me and that i might leave her with the children. But what my mother doesnt realise is that I'm more like her then she thinks. She gave up her whole life for her four children and when she found the currage she went back to school and now years later she is a teacher. She gave us everything growing up and I can only hope to be half the woman that she is when I am older. Thats why it hurt so much to hear her say those words to me. But she told my friend that she would help me out as much as she could. Maybe, She wont kick me out after all. Yesterday I came to a final decision. I'm keeping my baby. Talking on here and thinking about everything really made me realise that if people I dont even know can support me, believe in me and try and help me as best they can, then I can support myself, believe in myself and find a way to do this on my own if I have too. I'm in tears writing this but I just want to thank everyone for taking the time out to talk to me and help me threw this. I already told the father I'm keeping it and he didnt say anything. I'm leaving him alone to choose what path he wants to take. If he chooses to not be apart of this childs life then I will be both mother and father to this child like I am to my daughter. Thank you all again for everything, I'll be posting updates on how everything is going. God Bless all of you and from the Bottom of my heart thank you so much. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Heather [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/25/09 10:07am I'm rejoicing with you, Su. Your post was great to read. May you now have some peace and even joy in the midst of loving this new little one to soften and make easier the path that is naturally difficult. We're all behind you. :) Heather [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/25/09 10:46am Dear Su, I have goosebumps up and down my arms reading your post! It is an amazingly eloquent message that I wish every woman going through an unplanned pregnancy could read. Wow! Powerful. And, I am SO happy for you. And, you know what, the part about your mother is especially heart-wrenching...So many mothers don't realize that the message they're sending to their daughters when they imply "I don't want you to live your life like I did" is that someone they REGRET the choices they made. It's really not that way at all - they love their daughters and would do anything for them. They would probably lay down their lives for them. In fact, they are trying to - as they see it - protect their daughters from pain. But, what they don't realize is the message conveyed is that the choice of raising their children is something they regret, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I'll keep you in my prayers. I'm incredibly proud of you and grateful that you stumbled upon this board (I don't think it was an "accident" that you did ;-) Sharon [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/25/09 12:36pm Su, I'm crying tears of joy for you as I read your message! Congratulations, mom! I want to give you some additional encouragement. When I got my college degree, I had four children, and three of them were preschoolers. And I got my degree anyway. In fact, one of my children was born in the middle of the semester, and I chose to stay out for a week to rest, and aced my courses. My husband usually took care of the children while I was in class. With your mother there to help you, you have the same blessing. Your mother seems to be feeling shame at how she treated you. She told your friend instead of you. Now be sure and tell her you have forgiven her for the harsh words. Forgiveness is a decision. In your case, it's the decision to accept the hurt she caused you and not hold it against her. Start forming plans for your future. Go to the crisis pregnancy agency, and talk to them about what you would like to do with your life, and let them help you form some plans. Learn not to let a man take advantage of you. A man should not make you vulnerable. He has the duty to protect and cherish you, and if he's not willing to do that, then you deserve someone better. See what the father does. Give him time. Don't let him take advantage of you anymore. Come and talk to us any time, and yes, we are very much looking forward to your updates. God bless you! He already has. Hugs, Pat [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Leah [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/25/09 2:56pm :) Hi Su! I am really happy for you right now,I can feel that you have a sense of relief,and I know all to well how great that feeling is! It sounds like your mom is worried about you,and is not knowing how to express it. That happens especially when people are facing the unknown. It sounds like she was a very strong lady and made so many sacrifices for you all...you are lucky to see that. I would let her know what you told us,it may just make you both feel alot better! Please go down to the pregnancy center,the ladies there will help you out with resources and support emotionally through this,that is so important,because there will still be stress. You are at a crossroads in your life and I know you will make this journey just find...inspite of the bumps on the road. There is a poem on the internet called Before I Was A Mom....I think you should check it out,it will make you smile! I am so glad you have enough faith to do this,I am so glad you believe in yourself.Please keep talking this out,keep on posting,I would like to know how your doc appts and stuff are going,and stay strong! I believe in you! :) Oh and congratulations on your pregnancy...give your lil girl a great BIG hug too :) [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Melanie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/26/09 12:49am Su, it was such a blessing to read your post. I really am almost at a loss for words (and that's rare.) LOL If there is anything I can do, just let me know and I'll do my best to help. --Melanie [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Su (Confused) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 03/27/09 12:59pm Hi everyone, Just thought I would drop by and leave an update and ask for a little advice. As I have written before I decided to keep the baby. I am now 15 weeks! My mother has become more accepting of it and the father I guess has too. He wants to come to my sonogram appoinments which I was fine with at first but in those first two appointments he made me greatly regret it. The first sonogram I had when I was still unsure about keeping it and I can only assume the woman who did the sonogram was pro-life because she was very happy about it all and I felt so guilty that i silently cried during and after the sonogram. In the room he look aggravated and I asked him if he was OK and he said he didnt want to talk about it there. Once out side he let lose yelling at me that I knew it would be like that and why did I have the sonogram if I wasnt sure if I was keeping it or not. I tried to explain that the Doctor said wether I decided to keep the baby or not I needed to have sonogram done to see how far long I was but he would barely let me speak. The second sonogram he went to he spent the entire time 6 feet away from me and texting, IMing and taking phone calls from people on his cell. Then simply dropped me off at the train to go home alone. He's acted to uncareingly towards me and said horrible things to me that at this point I dont even want him around me. I've started having panic attacks and spotting blood(nothing heavy so the Doc said not to worry to much the baby seems fine) and when I was talking to him daily I would barely eat beacuse of the stress he kept putting on me. I finally let lose on him and told him he ruined my chances at a normal life (I have HPV 11) and I told him I didnt want to talk to him and that all I ever wanted was a simple friendship and peace between us(something he refused to have with me) so our child wouldnt see his parents hating each other and fake friendlyness between its parents but now that wouldnt be possible because of the person hes made me into. Neither of us grew up in the best home setting and I wanted my children to not grow up seeing the things I did and he wanted the same but it seems now this child will. My daughter is mine, her father comes in and out of her life and at the moment he claims he wants to be part of her life more (we'll see). My question is should I allow the father of my unborn child to come to the sonogram and other appointments? Or should I trust my choice in avoiding him until the baby is born? I'll let him know how the appointments went but he has the tendancy of making me feel utterly horrible after every time I have seen him, which leaves me feeling sick to my stomach and not able to eat and when I force myself to eat I end up vomitting. I know this site is about abortions but I just need a little advice on this. Please help... Thank you, Su [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: leah [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 03/27/09 9:57pm Hi Su, I think you already have the answer figured out yourself,you did not mention one positive thing about him being there,he's acting very selfish and it is impacting you emotionally and physically. He's leaching your good energy please stay strong for your baby and your daughter. How is your support system,do you have a close friend who could go with you to your appointments or someone you find to be a support? Is there anyone who you can just go for coffee with and chat and laugh? These are important times for you and you deserve to have someone happy and supportive to share with. Good for you for wanting the best for your kids,of course you do...stay strong and don't forget that. The babies father is being disrespectful so those are qualities children pick up on including your daughter. You don't have to put up with his attitude toward you. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to you,please talk with someone about this,it is damaging and impacts you more than you will know. Believe in yourself and look in the mirror every single day and tell yourself that you are strong and beautiful and worthy of so much more. How are things going otherwise are you getting rest and eating ok? I am happy you posted I was wondering about you! Hugs [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Heather [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 03/27/09 10:33pm Hi Su! I think this site is as much for support of women as it is about abortion in particular, and I'm glad you unloaded a little. I think if the baby's father is making you so uncomfortable during the sonograms, it's not a bad solution to simply go yourself. Or a third option is that you could let him know simply what the options are; that you'd like his presence if he's okay with being there and ok respecting you while you're there, but if he still has issues or feels stressed out that you'll be ok going alone. 15 weeks! Boy that flew by; you'll be feeling him/her moving around inside you soon. Do you intend to find out the gender? Having been through some tumultuous times myself and knowing how they can disrupt the peace in your life, I know there's not a whole lot in human words or wisdom that can make the stress go away, but please know that you have a bunch of women here who are on your side and support you. :) And also that the same God who made you and your baby unique as you both are is able to supply the grace you need to make it from day to day. Take good care of yourself! Love, Heather [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 03/28/09 2:03am Su, So good to hear from you! I think you already know the answer. I wouldn't have him near me if I were you, not until he starts acting decently. You can resolve not to let your children experience the abuse you suffered, but with him in the picture, I think that would be very difficult. You need to be concentrating on renewing your own heart, and at best, he will be a distraction. At worst, he could keep you from being able to do that. There may be a natural remedy that will deal with HPV. Off the top of my head, given that it's a virus, first place I'd personally turn would be Bentonite. I'd take it internally a few times (about a tsp of liquid) and I'd figure out how to pack my cervix with a poultice of it. Most likely, powdered Bentonite blended with some kind of salve (I'd have to do some research here) might work. Anyway, that's off the top of my head, and just speculation. I'll bet, though, that you could find information online. Colloidal silver might also be helpful, but don't overdo that because it can cause the skin to develop a grayish tone. But for a couple of weeks, a normal dose should be OK. I'm not an authority; I'm just giving you my opinion, so take it for what it's worth. By Googling HPV and "natural remedies" and "herbs" you might be able to find out something. Find a natural healer who can help you. Medical science doesn't know how to help you, but natural remedies DO work. I am living testimony of that. Your baby's father will be the real man who comes into your life and cherishes all three of you. If you hang around this baby's sperm donor, that person won't come into your life. That's why I personally think you should distance yourself from him. There are several women here who have found such a man, and you can, too. There are also remedies that may help with stress. Keep an eye on the spotting, and I'll think about that next time you write. Please stick around and talk to us often. We love to talk to you. Hugs, Pat [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Su (Tired) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 03/31/09 10:21am I have two friends that might go with me. The guy is my bestfriend but he is also friends with the baby's father and the father would deffinetly not like it if i asked my friend to come and not him. The other friend...well we run across each other every few months but she knows everything that is going on and she has been contacting me a little more then before. She has a very busy life(goes to school full time, works and takes care of her younger sister) and I feel bad asking her to take time out for me. Aside from that i dont really have anyone else. I havent told the rest of my family yet, I dont think i can handle what they will have to say about it just yet. I'm trying to eat regularly but i'm used to eating 2 or 3 meals a day and this baby makes me eat like a bird all day, so i dont eat actual meals and i dont know if im eating enough. I forget the pre-natal vitamins from time to time. Stress normally makes me forget things like that for myself. I normally take the back burner to everything else in my life. I know its bad, i have life growing inside of me right now. I should be more responsible for it. I'm deffanetly going to try and find out what the baby is. I'm hoping to have a boy so I can have my girl and boy. The father hasnt contacted me in about a week thank heavens. I feel a little bad because i always felt if the father wanted he should be there for the sonograms and heart beats and labor and delivery of the child. and I feel a little selfish for not wanting him near me during those things. I wanted to seperate my personal feelings from our situation so he could experiance everything (this is his first child) but its to difficult with the way he acts towards me. Hopefully things change some before our child is born. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: Re: My 3rd sonogram! Author: Su (Ecstatic and peaceful) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 04/21/09 7:00am I went to my 3rd sonogram yesterday. Some time last week I emailed the father the appointment time and address and left it up to him to choose to come or not. He said he would and thanked me for letting him know. I asked my olest brother to come with me in case the father didnt show. My oldest brothers been pretty upset with me but hes ok now and proud that I'm not running from my responsibilities by aborting or giving up for adoption. The father actually showed up to the sonogram and though it was a tad awkward at first everything was ok. I asked if we could find out the gender of the baby and its a BOY!! We're all very excited! I wanted a little boy because I already have a little girl and I want to experience both. My brother was happy because he has a son which is the only little boy in our family and now he will have a little boy cusin to play with. And the father was happy because well, as far as i know almost every guy wants a boy lol. As of right now, all is good. My daughter is also very excited she is going to have a little brother and keeps asking me to give me the baby or when he is coming. I pray every night that everything turns out well and I thank God for everyone that has encuraged me threw this especially all of you on here. I want to say again Thank you for your kind words and time and for keeping me in your prayers. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: My 3rd sonogram! Author: Lori [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 04/21/09 5:06pm Hi Su, Congratulations... It's a boy!! I have two boys and there is never a dull moment =) Seriously, their fun and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I'm glad that the child's father decided to come to the sonogram. That really is a big step not much compared to what you are going through but at least he is trying. I will keep you in my prayers. Please continue to keep us updated! Take Care, Lori [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: Thank you! Author: Su (Happy) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 07/17/09 9:13am Hello Ladies, I know its been a while since I've come on here. I'm now 31 weeks pregnant with a baby boy due in September. The father has finally come around to accepting it and is actually being helpful. Though we are not together we're trying to rebuild the friendship we used to have so the baby can have two happy parents. I wish things would work that way with my daughters father but he has turned for the worst and I had to file custady papers and child support papers on him because I'm terrified he will kidnap her. Court dates are in Aug. Hopefully all goes well. Anyways, I just wanted to come on here and say Thank you for all your advice and help! I actually showed my friend this cite and she read around a few peoples threads and even mines and shes keeping her baby too! Thank you again! [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Thank you! Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 07/17/09 9:55am Hi, Su, That's wonderful news! Thank you so much for letting us know. We will hope and pray that you will be able to protect your daughter. You are welcome to come any time, and if your friend wants to come and post, she will also be welcome. Hugs, Pat [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Thank you! Author: Heather [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 07/17/09 4:52pm Su, Thanks so much for the update, it's good to hear! 31 weeks; wow. You're in the home stretch. :) I sure hope things work out smoothly with the custody issues for you. It's good to hear that you and the father of the little one you're carrying are amicable to friendly parenting together. Please keep future updates coming! Congrats to your friend, too. With Kindness, Heather [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Su (Sad for friend) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/12/09 8:52am Hi Ladies, How is everyone. We're all doing well. 35 weeks and counting! And Daughter is loving her first summer cast and brace free! Ok, I'm not exactly sure where to go with this, So i figured I would give you ladies a shot since you helped me before. My friend is about 13 weeks pregnant and is now thinking of adoption because she doesnt know how she is going to do everything on her own. She lives in Ohio with no car and no job at the moment. Shes staying with her mother which she isnt supposed to because her mother is on public assistance and could get kicked out if they find out she has her daugher (my friend) living there. I live in NY and I can only be but of so much help to her and she refuses to move to NY because shes afraid of the crime. I dont want her to give up her baby and I dont think she really wants to either. Shes a very Dependent person and the babys father told her to abort it or put it up fpr adoption and I convinced her not to abort it but now he says he wont help her out at all with the child and he lives in Oregon and she has no information on him except his name i believe. I told her she could have the baby and send it to me while she gets on her feet but she refuses. We also have a friend in Ohio that would be more then willing to help but she doesnt want to ask her. I cant find any cites online that can actually help me or explain how things work over there. I told her to check out public assistance and things like that but neither of us have a clue how it works or where she should go and with out a car there is limited places she can go by bus. Please if anyone knows anything about Ohio or some place we may be able to look online thats worth a shot I would greatly appriciate it. Thank you Ladies for any advice or suggestions! God Bless you all. Su [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: Sad, alone, confused and hurt...please help Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/12/09 12:43pm Hi, Su, Thanks for the excellent report! Congratulations on everything! As for your friend, I have several thoughts. First, she shouldn't be making a decision on adoption this early. She really should wait until her last trimester. But if she definitely doesn't WANT to choose adoption, then there is help available. Adoption is a good, honorable, but difficult choice. We have four adopted children in our family. Obviously, if your friend is a very dependent person, she will need to get some independence. In fact, this often happens when a woman progresses through pregnancy. My daughter's mother-in-law, who works for one of the groups I will mention, says it is amazing how much the women grow. But right now, the important thing is to get some counseling and other help. You can go here: pregnancycenters.org and find an organization in her area that can help. They can counsel her, let her know what help and services are available. Then she will be in a better position to make a decision. Let us know how things go, and feel free to come back with any other concerns you have. Hugs, Pat [ Post a Reply to This Message ]