It can't happen, it will never happen -- Chan Is Missing

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Date Posted: 11:22:49 05/10/08 Sat
Author: Not Superstar Al Green (same initials, though)
Subject:

It can't happen, it will never happen

I think, I'm pretty sure, it was a long time ago, I wrote "I'm just too insane to enjoy my own happiness." I guess that was hyperbole. Or, I guess that was hyperbole?

I don't know if it were or not, but I know it's true still today so maybe it wasn't. I can't accept love. I don't have receptors for it. I think the biggest problem is that I want to be loved, desperately I want that, but if it comes, I can't deal with it. I refuse to believe it's anything approaching reality.

I used to manage this madness by only choosing relationships with women that were doomed from the outset. Married chicks were always a staple, along with adolescent girls. Black girls who only liked me for my money (my MONEY?) made up a nice subgroup. Girls from "another culture," especially Asians, also featured prominently. Often, I managed to combine the groups--I've been involved with married Japanese and Latina broads where we had to meet in hotel rooms in order to get our freak on.

I think my greatest achievement was MJ, the meth girl. 16 years my junior, a bipolar borderline with multiple addictions and a boyfriend--tell me THAT didn't take some work to find! It was easy to fall in love with her, since she was completely beyond my reach. She nearly destroyed my life. Awesome. Seeing pictures of her today is still a punch in the gut. Why?

It's no mystery why I finally managed to decide I wanted to be healthy while in Stankboro. I didn't have any of those distractions or the usual temptations. The college girls didn't want to have anything to do with me, so that ruled out the young'uns. My social circle was limited enough that I didn't encounter the other derelicts or basket cases. I was alone, but with friends, and had things to occupy my time.

Now what do I have? For the first time in my life, I have a relationship with a decent, hard-working, stable girl who claims to love me. And I can't do it. I can't make it work. It's not within my capacity. I just can't do it. I just can't.

Pathetic? Not worth pathos. Just disgusting.

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