Masturbation Song and The Single Woman's Prayer -- Jokes

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Date Posted: Sat, Aug 11 2001, 20:41:05
Author: oh no way will i reveal myself
Subject: Masturbation Song and The Single Woman's Prayer

These are rude nursery rhymes, songs and remakes of songs the way they should have been done...

Masturbation Song

You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty
Dollars, Ma'am."

Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand!

It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done
You don't need a special license

You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!

(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the
ROCKER'S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you
jump backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that
instead of playing air guitar he's stroking air wanker.)

You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion

You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it, Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America, Give Yourself a Hand

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Single Woman's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who's sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that's okay.

Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.

The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.

The single life will do just fine.
So what's up, girlfriend?
IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!

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