| Subject: Looking to be a known donor |
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CN
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Date Posted: Fri 31 December, 2004 17:34:18
A year ago I agreed to be a donor for a single female friend who wanted to have a child on her own. She decided on this non-traditional route since she had just turned 40, really wanted to be a mother, and although she'd been dating she hadn't met anyone acceptable and couldn't continue to leave such an important desire to chance. She was also influenced by other friends who had successfully taken the same approach.
To maximize changes of conception, she opted for Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) though a local fertility clinic. IUI has a very good track record and is quite affordable. But unfortunately for us, she was unable to get pregnant on three attempts, due to uterine fibroids and related issues she had.
So why am I sharing this with the world? Because the unique thing about out situation is that my friend also offered me the opportunity to have a role in her child's life. Under California law, donors have no parental rights. They are almost always anonymous. But my friend wasn't looking for an faceless donor - she wanted someone who could be the occasional weekend dad and participate to some limited degree in the child's upbringing. Hardly the traditional family structure, but a step up from single motherhood and the total absence of a male role model, and a perfect fit with my own situation as well. So.... I'm now seeking a woman who would be interested in a similar arrangement.
This approach is definitely not for everyone. I'm not marketing myself to the world, only to that small market niche of women who have already made up their mind that they want to be a mother, but have no need for a husband, and see some value in having their child know the father.
Still with me? OK then. You probably have quite a few questions about how this could work .... so let's begin:
* Why don't you do want to have children the traditional way, through marriage?
Frankly, I don't have the Ward Cleaver personality. I have no desire for marriage. I'm too independent and self-sufficient, very much the QA type. And I've seen what divorce has done to my friends, which was the clincher. I also have other competing priorities and obligations (including graduate study, travel and volunteer work) that would make it too difficult to sustain a meaningful marriage or manage fulltime parenthood. I'm not gay, if that makes any difference to you one way or another.
* So why have kids at all then?
Until a few years ago I didn't see the need. But times have changed. I don’t have any family left locally, and while I can preach the usual stuff about my friends being a surrogate family, we all know that it’s just not the same. I now have a profound desire to have a legacy and connection to the future (even though it won't be in the traditional sense of passing on the family name) and a chance to forward on some of the wisdom that I’ve learned myself.
* How do I know you'd make a good father yourself?
This is a gut feel kind of thing, which you can't judge until you know someone, but here's what I can say for now. I've had a fantastic time volunteering in schools and get along great with my cousin's kids. I have a strong sense of my own values, not the least of which are responsibility, humility, awareness, adaptability, and self respect. I'm also very secure financially, major college grad, own my own home, have a professional job.
* How do I know you have "the right stuff"?
I'd be glad to provide a copy of my semen tests; believe me, these fish can swim. On top of that I don't have any hereditary issues and have over a year's worth of tests for the usual diseases (all negative) on file at the clinic I mentioned. I'll be 40 this year but stay in great shape, still look damn good if I say so myself (I'd certainly be glad to send a photo as well). If you're going to take a dip into the gene pool, you could do a helluva lot worse.
* What level of involvement are you looking for in your child's life?
"Some." I think this child should know his/her father. Beyond that, it's hard to say right now. Rather than declare something up front like "visitation rights = one weekend a month,” I'd rather we discuss and agree on a level of involvement that we are both comfortable with. And this of course can evolve with time and understanding.
* What about the legal aspects?
The clinic I worked with also does counseling for these situations, for both parties. Bottom line, as I said, is that under California law donors have no parental rights. So both parties are advised to meet with a lawyer beforehand and draw up a contract that documents their mutual understanding in terms of many issues: what if the fetus is diagnosed with Down's Syndrome, reasonable expectations for visitation, what would change if one party gets married down the road, etc. There are attorneys who specialize in this, believe it or not.
* What about the financials?
My friend and I agreed that I would cover the cost of my own tests and be responsible for all aspects of sperm donation, and that she would cover all of her own costs with the clinic for the procedure, etc. (As I mentioned, IUI is very affordable.) This seemed like a fair arrangement.
* What kind of women are you looking for?
You would obviously need to be independent and open minded to even consider something like this. You should be located in the San Francisco Bay Area and planning to stay here for the foreseeable future. You should be financially secure, for being a single mom is certainly not inexpensive. Your age, race or sexual orientation are not that significant, what IS significant is having the degree of personal self-ownership and pure guts to take a very non-traditional path.
So... if this sounds intriguing, please write and tell me a few things about yourself and what you're looking for.
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