| Subject: Re: wrong using married donors? |
Author:
DOnna
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Date Posted: Thu 10 February, 2005 10:16:08
In reply to:
FQ
's message, "Re: wrong using married donors?" on Tue 08 February, 2005 00:27:32
Hi,
I think trying to generalize things into there being just two groups of people is oversimplifying a very complex issue. Bringing a life into the world involves a large number of considerations and marriage is a very complex relationship.
I can only speak to my views. I believe marriage is sacred and involves honesty and openness not just with one's spouse but with ones children as well. I also do not take donor insemination lightly. You are helping someone create a life. It's a big decision and as such should be discussed with your wife and family before embarking.
I have absolutely no issue with using a married donor if they are honest with their family.
As to people not wanting to use a married donor because of feeling exploited. This makes no sense to me. I don't know what you are deriving this information from. I can't speak for every woman out there, but I don't think there is any fear of exploitation. If you are talking about NI without disclosing this to one's spouse or involving them in the process, well then that is CHEATING on your wife, plain and simple. Not to mention sex puts a person at risk for diseases that could potentially be transferred to one's wife.
Hope this clarifies. Now, I am leaving this forum. Thanks for your input.
BYE
>Hi Donna,
>Thanks for the reply. OK, so there are 2 groups of
>people. One doesn't like married donors outright. The
>other, the thought of married donors keeping this
>information away from the family.
>
>The first group is very easy to understand. The woman
>feels exploited. Here, she is desperately trying to
>get a child. And her counterpart already has a nice
>family and children, feels smug, and enjoys the bit on
>the side. Even if this is without outright sex, but
>just through AI. It still has a sexual connotation.
>
>However, what are the primary motives of the second
>group? Why is it OK if the wife and family are
>informed? Is it because you do not have a feeling of
>stealing something that belongs to someone else, but
>being given it as a gift, with consent? Or is it
>because if everyone is informed, you kind of have the
>feeling of being a welcome member of an extended
>family?
>
>I am not judgemental, I just want to hear about your
>feelings, since I am frequently facing such
>situations. Wishing all the best and looking forward
>to your reply
>
>>Short answer to long rant....
>>
>>Nothing wrong with a married donor, only wrong when
>>aforementioned married donor is keeping his donor
>>status a secret from his wife and family. This is
>>just my opinion and preference, but I will not be
>>party to such a lie by omission.
>>
>>Some women might also feel uncomfortable asking a
>>married man to donate sperm. Not because they are
>>looking for some single guy to marry, but because it
>>is a difficult enough process finding a compatible
>>known donor without adding to it the complexities of a
>>husband wife relationship.
>>
>>Next time perhaps you shouldn't jump to conclusions or
>>make assumptions. Thank you.
>>
>>marriage>What is so wrong with using a married donor?
>A
>>>substantial amount of sperm samples you get from
>sperm
>>>banks are from married donors. In fact, our health
>>>authorities in the UK have started a push for
>>>prompting married men to donate sperm through their
>>>doctors.
>>>
>>>They reasoned there would be less threat of
>infection,
>>>and potentially better genes, if the donors did not
>>>come up because they wanted to, initially, but
>because
>>>their doctors chose them.
>>>
>>>You wouldn't like a married donor only if you had the
>>>romantic idea of setting up a family, with that
>>>person, after conception. But for that, you could
>>>simply use straight dating and be outright that you
>>>want children (&marriage) straight away. You may
>>>laugh, but there are certainly men out there, for
>whom
>>>that would be their ideal.
>>>
>>>The main advantage of sex is not that AI doesn't work
>>>and NI does. It is simply that NI is a much more
>>>poweful motivational tool.
>>>
>>>Artificial insemination works fine. People telling
>you
>>>it will not work at all are trying to corner you into
>>>something you would not like. The only technical
>>>discussion point is whether NI is slightly more
>>>efficient than AI.
>>>
>>>Anecdotal evidence does suggest that NI is more
>>>efficient. It has never been tested conclusively in
>>>humans. Who would like to try it out? However, in
>many
>>>non-human mammalians (cats, rabbits etc), ovulation
>>>can be induced by a somewhat rough intercourse. In
>>>humans, ovulation itself is induced regularly by a
>>>pace-setting mechanism inside the brain which
>>>synchronizes with the ovaries. However, there are
>>>other additional targets such as cerival patency
>>>(sperm passing through the cervical canal into the
>>>uterus), tubal capture of eggs (like in baseball
>where
>>>a high-speed flying ball is caught by a glove), and
>>>nidation, the nesting of the embryo into the uterus.
>>>So there are plenty of targets where the sensual
>>>perception of intercourse and the body response can
>be
>>>effective.
>>>
>>>Of course there are several additional pluses and
>>>minuses. The minuses are the risk of infection is
>much
>>>higher through the tears in the vaginal lining. You
>>>can get infected by sperm itself, and this is the
>>>reason for frequent obligatory testing. However, the
>>>risk through sperm itself is much smaller than
>through
>>>intercourse. There is also a much higher risk of
>>>emotional problems and feelings of guilt (I've slept
>>>with a person who is ugly and who I don't love, I
>>>betrayed my lover etc).
>>>
>>>On the plus side, it is much more rewarding for the
>>>would be father. Male satiety after intravaginal
>>>ejaculation is greater than after masturbation. So
>>>there could be, theoretically, less problems in
>>>receiving donations several days in a row around the
>>>ovulation time, or in retaining the person as a
>>>regular donor for the necessary stretch of time. If
>>>you read the comments on this site, a lot of
>>>recipients lose contact with their donors after 2-3
>>>cycles, because these are no longer willing. So it
>>>could enhance the motivation. However, nothing is
>>>certain, it is just a rule of thumb. So if you find a
>>>male extremely attractive, and he is not a serial
>>>donor...
>>>
>>>The key thing about sex, is that with it, your circle
>>>of potential donors is much wider, so you can choose
>a
>>>much better candidate. If you get dreary people
>>>looking for sex, it means you are casting the nets
>>>into a wrong place.
>>>
>>>One should not choose people that don't come up to
>>>your aesthetic expectations, as donors, even if they
>>>don't ask for sex. If you feel they are ugly, what
>>>your brain is trying to tell you is that they will be
>>>poor donor material. If you choose such a person,
>your
>>>brain may shut down the pathways needed for normal
>>>fertility. So choose people who look nice to you
>>>(beauty is in the eye of the beholder), appear
>>>intelligent and show high acquired social status.
>This
>>>is one aspect where having a known donor beats having
>>>an anonymous one.
>>>
>>>
>>>Anyway, good luck in your search!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>>Well, I've tried posting here several times, I'm on
>>>>practically every newsgroup and bulletin board I
>>could
>>>>find and I've hunted high and low for a sperm bank
>>>>near me with open donor programs.
>>>>
>>>>It seems there is noone in my area who is genuinely
>>>>looking to be a donor and isn't either married and
>>>>trying to hide his donor status from his wife, just
>>>>trying to pressure vulnerable women under pressure
>>>>from their biological clocks into having sex, out
>for
>>>>money, living in outter Siberia, or just saying they
>>>>want to help, but when it comes down to it, they
>>>>dissapear.
>>>>
>>>>So, I've had it. Looks like being a mom is not in
>my
>>>>cards and after almost 2 years of looking and 3
>>donors
>>>>that were set to go then backed out, I am DONE.
>>>>
>>>>I did meet some very nice women on this board and
>>>>other newsgroups and even a few men that seemed to
>be
>>>>genuine (but sadly, too far away) so I haven't lost
>>my
>>>>faith in humanity completely, but just wanted to say
>>>>bye and thanks anyway and wish the rest of the
>people
>>>>on here luck!
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