Re: What can I do? -- Angelic Whispers and Reflections Forum

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Date Posted: 13:37:16 11/30/04 Tue
Author: Karen
Subject: Re: What can I do?
In reply to: Deborah Dimitrov 's message, "Re: What can I do?" on 21:23:33 08/14/04 Sat

>
>Hi;
>I lost my 20 year old son in 1993 under similar
>circumstances. The sense of loss is as great today as
>it was 11 years ago. I have two other children. They
>have since graduated university, married and have
>children of their own. The joy of each moment was
>tinged with a little sadness because these events were
>all things our son would never experience.
> I think it is important to understand that there is
>nothing you can say that will ease their burden.
>Their hardests days are yet to come. At first you
>just try to survive from breath to breath. Christmas,
>his birthday and any other family holiday are going to
>be incredibly painful for them. At Christmas I buy or
>make a gift for a needy child and donate it in his
>name.
>The weeks leading up to and including the aniversary
>of his death will be almost unbearable. Note the date
>but don't phone. Instead send some flowers with a note
>to let them know you remember. They will call you if
>they need company. Take your lead from them. Be there
>if they want you to be but let them be alone if this
>is their wish. Let them know you will not be offended
>if they want to be alone. All I wanted was solitude
>for months so that I could try to come to terms with
>what happened. Instead, I spent a lot of time trying
>to comfort friends and relatives. I was painfully
>aware of how worried they were about my well being and
>I covered up my own needs to tend theirs. If ever
>there is a time a human being has a right to be
>selfish this is it.
>Don't shy away from conversations about him
>particularly in the months and years that follow his
>death. It will make them feel good to hear his name in
>conversation. All they have are memories now and it
>will confort them to hear others remember too. If you
>know a funny story tell it to them, often. Laughter
>mixes well with the tears. Know and accept that they
>will greive for him indefinitely.
>Six months, a year down the road, they will probably
>bring his name up in conversation often. This is a
>`normal' way of re affirming that their child existed
>and had a place on this earth. Be patient and add your
>own memories to their conversation. I found that a
>lot of people didn't know how to respond or worse yet
>felt that we should be over `it.'
>One wonderful thing you could do for them right now
>would be to compile a book of photographs and memories
>from his friends and relatives. Ask his friends to
>write or video record their memories of their son.
>Check around to see if anyone has any home movies or
>graduation videos which he may be in and get copies
>for your friends. We have about 20 minutes of video
>recording of our son in later years. It is one of our
>most precious possessions. Our son was `camera shy'
>and we had very few recent pictures of him. One of
>his friends gave us about 25 pictures of him from a
>party he attended just prior to his death. We enjoy
>them every day.
>Your friends are very blessed to have someone who
>cares enough to seek ways to help them through this.
>God Bless You;
>Deborah

Thank you so much! My husband lost his 19 year old son last March and I've been at a loss at what to do to help him. I feel his pain, however Ricky was my stepchild, I know my pain is not the same. You have given me some ideals as how to help my husband--when the time comes and he's ready for all the photos.

My heart goes out to you and you have my prayers.
Karen

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