What I wanted -- The Lair

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Date Posted: 02:51:18 07/01/01 Sun
Author: Ma
Subject: What I wanted

This is what I wanted isn't it? I wanted everyone to hate me because that's what I deserve. I cannot belive that I actually used "gem" as a name. I know it was because Antia gave it to me and I like Antia very much but still how could I be called gem after all that?
So now everyone hates me and finally see who I really am. And I miss them all and I miss the time when everything was so nice, funny and kind. I lied to myself. I pretended that I can live in this another level. Living above the clouds, pretending that things didn't happen. But they did and I have to live with it.
Oh God how strange it feels to feel like all those years ago. It is just as if it happened yesterday. It hurts just as much or maybe even more. For the first time after all those years I actually felt. I felt and I longed for someone. Not like before, not just dreaming that things didn't happen, not dreaming about men who could never turn up, not dreaming without the dreams coming true.
No, I prayed that the HE would turn up and say that it's okay. That he take me somewhere very far away where nobody would know, where it won't hurt so much. I wanted it to happen so much. I even believe it. I believe that this time it is a dream come true. That it will happen.
Things did happen. Pictures of the newborn babies kept coming, friends invitations came to come to visit them. To see their new babies that I haven't seen YET.
If there is YOU, tell me why? Was I really that bad a child that you have to keep punishing me? Wasn't I hurt too? Didn't I try to make it better? Or was it that I didn't try enough?
I never wanted much. I didn't want meterial things. I always worked for what I have. Still so much hurt and so little love. Just hugs. How little of them. Hugs cannot be so much to ask for, don't tell me that.Please.

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