| Subject: My recipe book costs $9.95 |
Author:
Typhoid Mary
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Date Posted: 10:53:44 04/27/02 Sat
In reply to:
Billy Gan
's message, "Re: Balk Balk Balk" on 23:00:43 04/26/02 Fri
>More skulls bitch, what the fuck you think I wanna
>see? Shit.
OK, here's one the vegans will love. You're driving along the highway to up north when you notice a female, 60-something driver of a 2001 RAV-4 has just slammed into bambi who flies 15 feet in the air and lands with a thud on the other side. You pull over, offering the dazed driver the use of your cell phone, invite her into your car. Just after she presses the numbers for Triple A but before she gets a chance to press "SEND", you interrupt her to tell her that you are very hungry and haven't eaten in a long time, referencing corporate pigs at Verizon inflicting cruel and unusual punishment upon you for paying your bill late once. Tell her you'd like to take the deer home to feed your brood and was wondering if she had a nail file or safety pin in her purse that you could cut open the carcass with. When she sheepishly asks, "would a multi-tool work", praise her with the enthusiasm of a pedophilic gym teacher trying to get a schoolgirl to climb the ropes and add, "Yes, a multi-tool would be perfect!". As she concentrates on digging, rip off her face. Now put the corpse in the trunk and put the deer on top of your vehicle in case the cops pull you over they will only charge you with the obvious poaching infraction and will be too wrapped up in the sight of the mangled bambi to bother looking in the trunk. At home, cut through the skin at the achilles tendon of both bodies, put a rope through the holes and tie a nice bowline. Throw the rope up over the garage rafters or a big tree in the back yard and pull them up to cure. You're gonna want to give these critters at least a week or two, preferably in the sun, if you have a nice secluded yard. When the crows and dogs come sniffing around, its time to start cutting off parts and boiling them up. For a vegan potluck, you definitely want to use the flesh and bones of both animals. You need to get a nice mix because vegans can detect the domesticated flavor of humans far better than the gamey flavor of venison. When they ask about the unique flavor, you can always pass off venison by telling them its "jerusalem artichokes". But with people, they tend to notice the corn-fed flavor and mistake it for cow. Once again, make yourself a nice broth. Broth is always the way to sneak corpse into the vegan potluck. This recipe would be good with wild rice, portabello mushrooms and a hint of rosemary. Remember, brown food is the delight of vegans. Vegans are not racist. They will eat any color human as long as its disguised as "jerusalem artichoke"
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