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Date Posted: 20:40:16 10/05/11 Wed
Author: Mike Evergreen
Subject: Next Year's Agenda for the GOP in Tampa.

2012 Republican National Convention -- Official Program

12:00 pm – Raising of the colors of the Tea Party Movement
12:15 pm – Check in with Spiritual Medium Sylvia Browne who’s still trying to raise Ronald Reagan from the grave.
12:30 pm – "The Pleasures of Adultery, Southern Style!" – with Phil Gramm, David Vitter, Bob Livingstone & Newt Gingrich
1:00 pm – Gay sex party in Men's Restroom “Double Feature” hosted by former Arizona Rep. Jim Kolbe & former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig.
1:30 pm – Dominatrix Ann Coulter – "My Private Life In Leather!"
1:45 pm – “Dissecting the Bitter Half” – critique of First Lady Michelle Obama by Michelle Malkin.
2:00 pm – Cragislist usage lesson & tips from ex-Congressman Christopher Lee (R, NY)
2:15 pm – Guest speaker ex-Florida Congressman Mark Foley – “Joys with Young Boys.”
2:30 pm – Col. Oliver North, USMC (ret.) – "Iran is Evil, but I’m still selling them weapons anyway!"
2:45 pm – Tribute to the late Gen. Alexander Haig conducted by Oliver North.
3:00 pm – Abu Ghraib prison guard/convicted felon Lynndie England instructs Army recruits on how to make detainees bark like dogs & eat their own feces.
3:30 pm – Gay sex party in Men's Restroom “Double Feature” hosted by former GOP chairman Ken Mehlman and Geraldo Rivera of Fox News.
4:00 pm – Ask Nominee-to-be Sarah Palin if her daughter has “gone rogue” yet.
4:15 pm – Posting the proposed new Iranian Colors by Charlie Daniels and Chuck Norris.
4:30 pm – Wayne LaPierre hosts an assault rifle target practice on Gays, Mexicans, & Jim Brady.
5:00 pm – “Ending Social Security & Medicare Handouts to Seniors” seminar with Texas Gov. Rick Perry.
5:00 pm – Grudgingly but officially admit that Mormons can be good Republicans. And good Christians.
5:15 – 6:00 pm – Dinner break. Food paid for by the Koch brothers.
6:00 pm – Former Vice-President Dick Cheney denounces the Democrats for not letting him get total credit for killing Osama Bin Laden.
6:15 pm – Former President Bush once again performs his hilarious comedy routine where he looks for Iraq's fictitious WMD's under guests tables. And finds them!
6:30 pm – VP nominee-to-be Mike Huckabee does his famous uncanny imitation of rival MSNBC host Joe Scarborough, prior to his anti-gay marriage rant, er, seminar.
6:45 pm – Pub Darts Competition: Target face: Michael Steele.
7:00 pm – Group intervention to get Rush Limbaugh back into drug rehab – AGAIN!
7:15 pm – Go up on rooftop and throw rocks down at homeless Afghan War Vets sleeping in alley.
7:30 pm – “The Pleasures of Adultery, South American Style” – with former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford.
8:00 pm – Live Tea Party Audience Cruelty contest. First prize: The chance to spit, curse, and boo at gay Veterans, sick people who can’t afford health insurance, and Medicare recipients.
8:15 pm – Convicted felon/Fox News analyst G. Gordon Liddy – Lock picking secrets.
8:30 pm – Guest speaker Grover Norquist – "How to deregulate your Country into a Recession – and Make a Profit Doing It!"
9:00 pm – Former House Majority Leader/convicted felon Tom DeLay – "Tips on Money Laundering".
9:15 pm – Conservative Novelists club book signing featuring Tom Wolfe, Tom Clancy, Bert Folsom, and Jerome Corsi.
9:30 pm – Former South Dakota Rep./convicted felon Bill Janklow – “Safe Driving at High Speeds.”
9:45 pm – “Preventing Recovery until we get control of Congress again” – Legislation obstruction seminar for potential Senators and Congressmen taught by Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell and Ohio Congressman John Boehner. A simultaneous seminar hosted by Grover Norquist and Richard Scaife will be targeted for business executives on how to “run lean,” as well as to hide cash overseas, therefore avoiding hiring, keeping the unemployment rate up, and thus, preventing Obama from declaring a true recovery.
10:30 pm – Fox News, New York Post, Washington Times, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, NewsMax.com, ION Channel, and World Net Daily urge defeat of “B. Hussein Obama.”
10:35 pm – “GOP Wheel of Pardon” with Pat Sajak and Vanna White. Contestants: Randy “Duke” Cunningham, Bob Ney, and Tom De Lay. Grand Prize: a full pardon by the next GOP President.
11:00 pm – “Bitchin’ Da Demma Krapz” rap show starring LL Cool J & 50-Cent.
11:45 pm – “Hollywood’s Right” variety show starring Tom Selleck, Robert Duvall, Kirk Cameron, Clint Eastwood, James Earl Jones, Stephen Baldwin, Rick Schroeder, Gerald McRaney, Jackie Mason, Dennis Miller, Denis Leary, Dennis Franz, Dennis Haysbert, Danny Aiello, Drew Carey, Kelsey Grammer, Elizabeth Hasslebeck, Patricia Heaton, Cheryl Ladd, Susan Lucci, Jessica Simpson, and Britney Spears. Theme: “We ARE the World! (GOP-style)”. A tribute to the late Dixie Carter hosted by Delta Burke. A tribute to the late Charleton Heston hosted by Ted Nugent and Robert Davi. A tribute to the late Dennis Hopper hosted by Robert Duvall.
12:30 am – “GOP Hot Swimsuits” emceed by Ann Coulter. Jessica Simpson, Mary Carey, Michelle Malkin, Britney Spears, LeeAnn Womack, LeeAnn Rimes, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Martina McBride are among the participants. Senior division contestants include Bo Derek, Kim Alexis, Kathy Ireland and Rachel Hunter.
12:55 am – “One for the Ladies” loin-cloth pose by Levi Johnston.
1:00 am – Pro-war concert featuring Trace Adkins, Naomi Judd, Ted Nugent and the Amboy Dukes, The Ramones, The Charlie Daniels Band, Meat Loaf, Kid Rock, Brooks & Dunn, Martina McBride, Loretta Lynn, Van Morrison, and Lee Greenwood. Theme: Iran, You’re Next!
2:30 am – Official nomination vote for Palin/Huckabee.
3:00 am – Hookers arrive for after party, escorted by U.S. Senator David Vitter (R, La.).
3:00 am – Gay Sex Party in the Men’s Restroom “After Hours” hosted by former California Rep. Michael Huffington. Special Closet Honoree award goes posthumously to William F. Buckley.
3:00 am – “Traded In For A Trophy.” Ex-wives of prominent Republicans counter-protest seminar chaired by Arianna Huffington. Panelists include Marta Fitzgerald Limbaugh, Roxy McNeely Limbaugh, Michelle Sixta Limbaugh, Marianne Gingrich, Jackie Gingrich, Martha Will, Jenny Sanford, Ginny Barr, Donna Barr, Louise Gramm, Janet Scarborough, and Wilma Dole. All wives of current male Republican House members, Senators, and state governors invited to attend. Guest Lecturer Ivana Trump instructs wives of current GOP luminaries on how to get theirs once he starts getting his elsewhere. “Don’t get mad; get everything!”
3:30 am – GOP one-on-one basketball: Charles Barkley vs. Karl Malone. Play-by-play: Marv Albert. Commentary: Greg Anthony.
4:15 am – GOP pitching velocity contest: Roger Clemens vs. Curt Schilling. (Cancelled if either tests positive for steroids).
5:00 am – Closing ceremony and breakfast. Food paid for by the Koch Brothers.

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