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| Subject: Jokes from Ag's collection to cheer you up | |
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Author: NieMMY |
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Date Posted: 14:06:09 02/11/03 Tue In reply to: scorpigirl 's message, "Re: the silence is deafening" on 12:24:37 02/11/03 Tue Women Studies A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ - depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance: if she is ovulating: she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features; and if she is menstruating: she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. ****************************** Subject: Worlds Easiest Quiz > > > > > (Passing requires 4 correct answers) > > > 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? > > 2) Which country makes Panama hats? > > 3) From which animal do we get catgut? > > 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the > > October Revolution? > > 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? > > 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named > > after what animal? > > 7) What was King George VI's first name? > > 8) What color is a purple finch? > > 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? > > > All done? Check your answers below! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ > > > 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? > > *116 years > > 2) Which country makes Panama hats? > > *Ecuador > > 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? > > *Sheep and Horses > > 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the > > October Revolution? > > *November > > 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? > > *Squirrel fur > > 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named > > after what animal? > > *Dogs > > 7) What was King George VI's first name? > > *Albert > > 8) What color is a purple finch? > > *Crimson > > 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? > > *New Zealand > > **************************** FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES ( LOVERS OF WORDS ) >1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the >definition of a will? (It's a dead > giveaway). 3. Time flies like an >arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In >democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that >votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A >chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your >exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a >dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you >A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The >man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade >thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. >You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network >in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he >couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of >money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the >morning is hard to beat. 20. It has been said that I have a photographic >memory that has never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. >22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at >large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the >end. 24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those >who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When the vain lady saw her >first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers tell their >bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate >clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad >footwear suffer the agony of defeat ************************* We've posted some strange malpractice claims, but nothing more bizarre than the complaint filed by a Kentucky woman who alleges that a doctor branded her uterus with his alma mater's initials. And we've got the operating room video to prove it: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/guiler1.html ************************* A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00. *********************************** Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship! 1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. 6. When you are confused, ..I will use little words to explain. 7. When you are sick, I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath, ..I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend! Send this to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway. Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. > > Still think you are having a bad day? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. STILL think you're having a bad day? > > Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs >to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke >loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two >hopeless protesters were trampled to death. > > What?! STILL having a bad day? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. > > There now, feeling better? ************************** Read This and Feel Smarter -- instantly Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss > Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," --Mariah Carey. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -A congressional candidate in Texas. "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." > --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, ex Vice President. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle. " It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another." --George Bush, US President. "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca. "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President. "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman > > ....Feeling smarter yet? ***************************** A woman arrived at the gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for St. Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello, how are you!" "We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!" When St. Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?!" "You have to spell a word," St. Peter told her. "Which word?" she asked. "Love," replied St. Peter. The woman correctly spelled "Love," and St. Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, St. Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While she was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun, and I went water skiing today and fell and hit my head, so here I am!" "What a bummer!" she replied. "How do I get in?" he asked. "You have to spell a word," she replied. "What word?" he asked. "Czechoslovakia," she replied. MORAL: Never make a woman angry.....there will be Hell to pay later! ************************* Try this out! > > > > This is what a computer is supposed to do! Click on the link below > > and then type in your first name... ************************ "HAIRCUT MYSTERY" A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house! ************************* Statistics for 1902 What a difference a century makes. Here are the U.S. statistics for 1902.... >The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven. Only 14 Percent of >the homes in the US had a bathtub Only 8 percent of the homes had a >telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven >dollars. There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved >roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, >Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than >California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st >most populous state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was >the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. The >average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent >accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, >a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical >engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95 percent of all births in the >US took place at home. Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college >education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were >condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." Sugar cost >four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen >cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month and used >borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people >from entering the country for any reason. The five leading causes of death >in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke >The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and >Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, >Nevada was 30. Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been >invented. There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day. One in ten US adults >couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from >high school. Coca Cola contained cocaine. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine >were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one >pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, >regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian >of health." Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one >full-time servant or domestic. There were only about 230 reported murders >in the entire US. Just think what it will be like in another 100 years. ****************** Subj: Fw: Profound Thoughts > > >1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to >use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. > >*2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but >you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. > >*3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end >and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." > >*4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying >of nothing. > >*5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an >argument going. > >*6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks >about seeing UFOs like they used to? > >*7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about >a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men >is they're a bunch of liars. > >*8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again > >*9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to >criticism. > >*10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred >dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? > >*11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is >weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. > >*12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come >to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. > >*13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly >what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear >and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is >another theory which states that this has already happened. > >*14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a >whole box to start a campfire? > >*15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, >but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 >years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video >and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of >immigration. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |
| Subject | Author | Date |
 Re: Jokes from AG's collection to cheer you up | Alchemist's Ghost | 17:12:21 02/11/03 Tue |
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