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| Subject: You All need a larf :P cheer up! thats a frelling order :P | |
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Author: niemmy |
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Date Posted: 05:07:07 04/12/03 Sat A very attractive woman goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks softly, stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't but is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth! and allowing him to suck them gently.. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room." _________________________________________________________________ A beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box bull of frogs. The sign says: "Oral Sex" Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do... 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume. 3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy. 4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there". She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. >> >One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore, " she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." >> >He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. >> >Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. >> >His girlfriend was thrown clear but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help, " he said. >> >"I don't have anything to cover myself with! " she replied. >> >The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. >> >"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. >> >So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a >truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled >over to hear her story. >> >"My boyfriend! My boyfriend! " she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" >> >The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner! ___________________________________________________ The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to be defendant and says, "You are also charged with killing a jogger with a shovel." "Damn tightwad!" the same man in the gallery blurted out. "I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You four-flusher!" the man from the gallery yelled. The judge thundered at the man in the galley, "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!" The man answered, "I've lived next door to that man for ten years now, and he never had a tool when I needed to borrow one!" _____________________________________________________________ A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers: "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...he has one eye because the picture shows his PROFILE, a SIDE VIEW. That's just ONE SIDE of him!" Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her: "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says: "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds: "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?!" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks: "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says: "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer! Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear!" ________________________________________________________ TELEMARKETERS 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you sure could use some money. 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I am so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems. 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?" 5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. 6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?" 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out Goat blood? How about Human blood? 9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees. 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the Telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up. 13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. 14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer. 16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. 17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I am not wearing any clothes." 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, How's your momma?" 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up..louder...louder ...louder... 20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write down EVERY WORD ! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Male Pharmacist A man went into a local pharmacy and asked to speak to the male pharmacist. The woman behind the counter informed him that she was the pharmacist. She told the man that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no male pharmacists employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with, as she had been a licensed pharmacist for many years. The man shrugged his shoulders and agreed to share his problem. "Okay," said the man, "but this is a bit embarrassing for me. I have a permanent erection, which causes me lots of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3,000 a month in living expenses." _____________________________________________________- Naughty Catholic Joke A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and one handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass. During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All the women stood up. "Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean, either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood up. "Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?" All the choirboys stood up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dr. Phil gave this test on Oprah and she got a 38. Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive when taking the test! The following is pretty accurate. And it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends, including the one who sent it to you, and let them know who you are. The person who sent it placed their score in the subject box above. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends, if you wanna. Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 simple questions, so...... grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers. Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to everyone you know, and also send it to the person who sent this to you. Ready?? Begin... =============================================================== 1. When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon & and early evening c) late at night 2. You usually walk... a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up, looking the wor! ld in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly 3. When talking to people you... a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair 4. When relaxing, you sit with... a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you 5. When something really amuses you, you react with... a) a big, appreciative laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile 6. When you go to a party or social gathering you... a) make a lou! d entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed 7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted, do you... a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes 8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie... a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d) w! ith your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers 10. You often dream that you are... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant POINTS: 1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1 3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6 4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2 6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4 8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1 9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1 10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 Now add up th e total number of points. OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care". You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you. 51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate. 41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; som! eone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out. 31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken. 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature. UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't. Alchemist's Ghost [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |