Subject:  My story |
Author:
Telemacus
|
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Date Posted: 18:19:21 05/19/02 Sun
Read my story and tell me what u think, it's a TV REWRITE:
Narrator: To the south of the continent of Alecrast lies a land people call Lodoss, the accursed island. Needless to say, relations between Lodoss and Alecrast are quite strained.
(At the Temple of Marfa, a mysterious man in black approaches Priestess Neese)
Man in Black: Forgive my intrusion. I have a question about the treasure of the Ice Dragon Bramd, whom I bravely slew in his sleep with my cursed sword, Soul Crusher. Look! I put his eye on the hilt! I understand he gave you some of his treasure.
Neese: Oh yes, we sold it to pay for the funeral expenses of some of our sisters.
Sister Hubert: At least we would have, if Neese hadn’t bought a TV and VCR with the profits first.
Neese: Shut up! I’m the Mother Superior here!
Man in Black: Well never mind then. Anything you could sell for electronics is useless to me.
Neese: But who are you, mysterious man in black?
Man in Black: My card. (hands card to Neese)
Neese: (reading) Ashram the Black Knight. Casting cost (3) Colorless + 1 Black Mana. Summon Badass Legend. 2 Black Mana: Return to hand if killed or otherwise removed from play. 5/2. “Ashram?! Why can’t he just die and stay dead already?” –Parn.
Ashram: Anyway, I seek the Scepter of Domination so I can fulfill Emperor Beld’s dream of uniting Lodoss!
Neese: Why are you telling me this?
Ashram: Oh shit, I keep on doing that. Erm… just kidding! Ta ta! (leaves)
Neese: Oh no. If Ashram gets the Scepter of Domination, he’ll rule all of Lodoss and probably slash public funding of Marfa’s temple to nothing! Again I must entrust the future of our home entertainment center to one so young.
Narrator: Elsewhere, a band of mercenaries are approaching the town of Zaxon.
Shiris: Orson! Quit lagging behind!
Orson: (emotionless) Fighting is unpleasant.
Mercenary 1: That Orson fellow sure is emotionless and reserved.
Mercenary 2: I heard he’s a berserker. When he gets angry, he turns green, grows 400 pounds of muscles and rips all his clothes except his pants!
Mercenary 3: Well I heard at night he gets super-strong, turns gray, and calls himself Joe Fixit.
Other Mercenaries: ????
Shiris: Stop gossiping, you geeks! Ah, here’s Zaxon. I see there aren’t any troops. Collecting taxes for Duke Rastor of Alania will be easy!
Cecil: Get lost, scumbags! Zaxon is a free town, and I, the town sorcerer, will stop you!
Mercenary 2: Who’s the blonde chick?
Cecil: CHICK?! Why you! (points staff) Mana of creation, become, um, something bad!
(A gigantic dead skunk drops in front of the mercenaries)
Shiris: Ewww! Retreat! (they run away)
Cecil: You won’t escape me so easily! (runs after them)
(suddenly the mercenaries spring up and surround Cecil)
Shiris: Ha! You fell into our simple trap that only a feeble-minded, hotheaded, peroxide blond moron would fall for.
Cecil: Stop making cracks about my hair! Mana of destruction, I mean creation…
Shiris: Shoot him!
(Arrows fly at Cecil but they all suddenly stop and fall to the ground, like The Matrix with a smaller budget.)
Shiris: What? He can control wind spirits?
Deedlit: (floating twenty feet in the air) No, but I can.
Mercenary 2: Oh poopmonkeys.
(Parn, the famous Free Knight of Lodoss, comes over a hill)
Parn: All right, fun’s over.
Shiris: That’s what you think. Orson! Get them!
(The mercenaries attack Parn, Deedlit, and Cecil, but they are all defeated by Deedlit’s shamanistic spirits. Only Orson and Shiris are left)
Shiris: Curse you! (attacks Parn)
Parn: Ha! You’re no match for the famous Free Knight.
(Shiris and Parn slam their swords together, Parn’s goes flying out of his hands)
Parn: Not again!
Deedlit: (sighs)
Shiris: Now, do you surrender? (stubs toe) Oww!
Orson: What? Shiris in… pain? (eyes glaze over, muscles bulge out) GRAAAUUUGGHH!! (he attacks Deedlit)
Shiris: Oh no! Once Orson goes berserk, he kills everyone in the vicinity until his body falls apart.
Cecil: Gosh. Why the hell do you travel with him?
Shiris: Well…
Parn: Does this happen a lot?
Cecil: How did you stop him before?
Deedlit: (barely staying alive) Um, little help here?
Shiris: (Frustrated) Look, I wasn’t expecting some sort of Marmo Inquisition here!
(Back near Zaxon...)
Parn: Hang on, Deed! (attacks Orson but gets disarmed again) Dammit!
(Orson turns and attacks Shiris)
Shiris: Orson! No!
Orson: ORSON SMASH!
(Suddenly Orson wavers and collapses)
Orson: Orson… sleepy… (thud!)
Parn: (kneeling behind Orson) Good thing I had Deedlit’s bedtime sleep suppositories with me.
Cecil: Ugh.
Shiris: Oh Parn, you saved me… (eyes turn to hearts)
Parn: (sweatdrops)
Narrator: Later, in Zaxon, the heroes tend to Orson.
Shiris: He’s possessed by the Spirit of Anger. In the War of Heroes his sister was killed by a bunch of rampaging goblins, and since then whenever he sees a woman in pain he goes berserk. Perhaps if that war hadn’t happened, he wouldn’t be in this condition.
Parn: The War of Heroes may be over, but clearly its wounds have yet to heal in many places. (holds up arm) See this scar? Gangrenous.
Everyone: (sweatdrops)
Shiris: So, what are you going to do with us? We attacked your village and almost killed Cecily here.
Cecil: (growls)
Parn: If you promise never to do it again we’ll let you go free.
Shiris: Nah.
Parn: Oh all right, you can go anyway.
Shiris: I’d like some cash, too.
Parn: (reaching into wallet) You drive a hard bargain, missy!
Slayn: Hello, everyone.
Cecil: (overjoyed) It’s Slayn! And Leylia! And their young daughter little Neese! And their pet, the water Pokemon Squirtle!
Squirtle: Squirtle!
Deedlit: Hey there young lady, how did you like your big trip to see your grandmother of the same name?
Little Neese: Grandma says I’m going to be a doorway to unspeakable evil!
Slayn: Parn, I have to talk with you. I have a mission of utmost importance and danger for you.
Parn: Again? I’m zonked from the little skirmish I had earlier today, despite that I’ve been in far more dangerous battles many times before. Tell me tomorrow and I’ll fight your dragon or Balrog or monopolistic software corporate giant.
Slayn: Oh wonderful! I was afraid you wouldn’t do it!
Parn: (panicked) We’re going up against Microsoft?!
(The scene changes to show a stain glass window. Two tall shadows shrink to short shadows and knock the door over, revealing Parn and Deedlit’s heads imposed on three-year old bodies. KAWAII!)
Both: Welcome to Lodoss Island!
Parn: And now!
Deedlit: What you’re all been waiting for!
Both: THE SECOND PART!
(curtain rises)
Deedlit: This is the comic relief part of the episode, where we explain parts of Lodoss’s history or ridicule characters and plot events.
Parn: Wait. You mean this is a parody segment?
Deedlit: Of course, silly!
Parn: But this entire story is a parody of Lodoss! We can’t make fun of ourselves making fun of ourselves, it would be as redundant as writing a parody of Spaceballs.
Ringing Metallic Voice: Funny you mention that.
Parn & Deedlit: It’s Taco the Bell!
Taco the Bell: You know, this is the silliest thing we’ve ever done.
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
| |
Feedback: 