Well, it turns out that we both think the other doesn't get it -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Date Posted: 17:32:33 05/16/16 Mon
Author: Kel
Subject: Well, it turns out that we both think the other doesn't get it
In reply to: Vicky 's message, "Re: Update" on 20:01:04 05/15/16 Sun

You think that we don't get how unique your situation is, and how much the two of you love each other, and how with enough love and compassion and respect, you can and will make this work. And we think that you don't get that a lot of us - a LOT OF US - have gone through the exact same thing, and thought ourselves as unique as you, and our love as true and strong as yours. Only to find out that we'd been duped.

To your following quote: "He's a genuinely nice guy and a great dad no one could keep up that facade for 17 years." I can only say, yeah, mine too. Only 16 years. A nice guy and a good dad. And gay. Turns out that nice guy and good dad don't have too much to do with sexual preference. My ex is now actively gay, and is still a genuinely nice guy and good dad. Still gay.

I'm not saying that you can't make it work. But I do know that for some reason, for so many of us, being told they're bi seems to give us hope. If you're husband came to you and told you that he thinks about touching other WOMEN, would you be like, "Well, he hasn't done it, and I know he doesn't want a relationship with another woman, but now that I truly know what he needs to make him happy, we'll embark upon a plan where he can start touching other women (along with me) and we'll see if we can't make him happy. How exciting!" NO. No you would NOT feel that way. Don't let the fact that the bi thing gets thrown into the mix mean that you can't see what he's REALLY saying - "You're not enough for me. Do I have your permission to satisfy myself outside our marriage?" How does the bi thing somehow distract from him saying that?

And please understand that the reason you feel excited is because HE is excited. And he's conveying that. And you're catching it and riding that wave with him. Is there ANY way in which he could have told you these things about wanting to be with other women and had you be excited for it? Maybe there is. Maybe sharing him doesn't bother you - maybe you think it's big of you and that you'll be helping him. But it's likely to be at your own expense.

If you don't believe in one true love and true love forever, then why would you sacrifice so much for this one person? Is this what YOU want - to be in a relationship with a person who doesn't want to commit to only you? If so, why???

Maybe you can make it work. Maybe not. You'll never know unless you try, I guess. But it could just be that it'll be painful beyond anything you've imagined, and that it's not a good idea to expose yourself to disease and someone using you to give them their cake and eat it, too. You could also leave him and start a good life on your own. You'd never know if you can do THAT if you don't try it, either. This is not a "go big or go home" thing. It's marriage. Marriage is a commitment to forsake all others. How is he remaining true to his commitment to you by telling you that he needs others to be happy?

I wish you the best - I really do. We're not trying to be negative or mean. We just all went through so much delusion and denial that we want to make sure that others don't do that without at least being presented with an alternative viewpoint.

Kel

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Replies:

Re: Well, it turns out that we both think the other doesn't get it -- Vicky, 19:29:18 05/16/16 Mon