| Subject: Application and Sample RP for Damien Stumpfuck |
Author:
Mike DeLucca
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Date Posted: 18:29:32 08/16/02 Fri
Real Name: Mike DeLucca
Wrestler Name: Damien Stumpfuck
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 269lbs
Hometown: Hell's Bathroom, NY
Age: 28
Fighting Style: Hardcore, Brawling
Alignment: Neutral/Face/Heel
Manager: Q-Bert
Finisher: Goddamminator
Description: Powerbomb into a facebuster
Trademark: Flippity-Fuck
Description: Flipping stunner off the top rope
Titles Held
HCW: TV(2), Tag, Hardcore(2)
GCW: Global, National(2), TV, Tag(2), Hardcore
GWA: Hardcore
Entrance: The lights pulse red and white as the beginning of "Great American Nightmare" by Rob Zombie builds up, finally giving way to red and white fireworks when the song starts. Damien comes out and screws with the fans...high-fiving some, stealing the signs of others. He gets into the ring and screws with the referee and announcer as well.
Appearence: Not too big of a guy, but imposing. Eyes that just show the insanity lurking within and a grin that would scare the shit out of anyone. Black and red spiked hair, black sideburns that are connected to a black mustache/goatee. Various piercings (ears, tongue, eyebrow) and tattoos running up each arm.
Ring Attire: Black cargo pants, black sleeveless shirt
with band on it (Rob Zombie, Primus, Slipknot,
Disturbed, Mudvayne, System of a Down, Korn, Cradle of
Filth, Motorhead, etc) or other (Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Invader Zim, Dr. Evil, etc) black boots, knee brace on
right leg
Non-Ring Attire: Black cargo pants, black sleeveless
shirt with band on it (Rob Zombie, Primus, Slipknot,
Disturbed, Mudvayne, System of a Down, Korn, Cradle of
Filth, Motorhead, etc) black boots, black leather
trenchcoat, red & black sunglasses, various chains
around neck, broken handcuffs on right wrist and
cow-print cowboy hat
Personality: You hate him...and you love him. He's politically incorrect, he's boisterous, he's foul-mouthed, etc. He holds nothing back at any time, seething hatred mixed with sick humor fills his promos. His sexuality is constantly at question. A psychopathic sociopath.
History: This will take a while
Roleplay: I wrote this for a match I had in GWA a few months ago, pitting Damien Stumpfuck and fellow Class of '69 stablemate Shasta McNasty against former Class of '69 stablemates Elmo Machete and Kirby Diablo. It might take a while to get used to the way I write RPs.
(Channel 69 On Location logo cuts to Damien Stumpfuck, Shasta McNasty and Q-Bert in a room that somewhat looks like the inside of a radio station. There's lots of switches and buttons and knobs-)
Shasta McNasty: Hee hee, he said "knobs"
(Excuse ME, but I don't interrupt YOU, do I?)
{Uh-oh, looks like it's that time of the month for Mr. Narrator}
(Hey, this is an A & B conversation, you can C your way out of it)
{Good one...too bad it's older than the crust on your-}
Damien Stumpfuck: How's about BOTH of you shut the hell up before I take off my belt?
Shasta: That could be taken a number of ways...
Q-Bert: Bad mental picture...
(Can I finish now?)
Shasta: Yes.
Q-Bert: Please God, yes.
Damien: Yes, dammit.
{Okay, fine, finish by all means}
(Finally...so there's lots of switches and dials and buttons and knobs and lights...and some of the lights are blinking...anyhoo, Damien and Shasta are both wearing headsets while Q-Bert is in the production booth)
Damien: Hello all you jackasses out there in...Radio Land...my name is DJ Silly Stumpfuck and this is Super Sextacular Shasta!
Q-Bert: Okay...first off, stop talkin' like you're a couple of disc jockeys...this is supposed to be a call-in therapy show. Secondly, you both sound like idiots-
Shasta: I know you are, but what am I?
Q-Bert: *sigh* Fourthly-
Damien: You can't count?
Q-Bert: Huh? But...you confused me!
Damien: That's your excuse for everything. Anyhoo, I'm your host Dr. Stumpfuck.
Shasta: And I'm your OTHER host, Dr. Shasta...and it seems as if we already have our first caller!
Caller: Hello, I am a representative of the Dr. Pepper™ Company. We feel that you are unjustly and unlawfully mocking our product and therefore have brought a class-action suit against-
*click*
Shasta: Dammit! I swear that wasn't even supposed to be a joke!
Damien: Hey, I found it funny...
Shasta: Yeah, well you're not the one with two lawsuits against you!
Damien: Nooo...but I AM the one with about seventeen lawsuits against me.
Shasta: Last I heard it was twelve.
Damien: No, that was how old he was...plus, the number shot up after the vacation Rip and I took to Disney World.
Q-Bert: Are you SURE the two of you should be giving out psychological advice?
Damien: Of corpse, my dear Q.
Q-Bert: Uh-huh...and what exactly do you plan on doing? I mean, what's the point of this?
Shasta: Well, I'm here to provide all the Shastaholics out with their daily dose of Shasta...and to plug delicious Shasta Cola™!
Damien: And I'm here to make your life miserable Q...and I guess for all the kids at home with their Damien Stumpfuck T-shirts and authentic foam dildos.
Q-Bert: I cry for the youth of America...and what exactly are the two of you "doctors" of, anyway?
Shasta: Many things my dear Q! I have Merit Badges in Cooking, Cleaning, Ironing, Blueberry Picking, Strawberry Picking, Nose Picking, Snorkling...for Snorks and won first place in the apple bobbing contest!
Damien: No you didn't, that was Wolfgang.
Shasta: Oh...right...
Damien: Well, in the six...no, five months I was in college, I majored in Arm Wrestling, Thumb Wrestling, Index Finger Wrestling, Midget Tossing, Midget Catching, Virgin Hunting, Duct Tape Mastery...oh, and Psychology...
Q-Bert: That arises...way more questions then I can ask. But I must ask...they have a class for Duct Tape Mastery?
Damien: Of course, Q! Duct tape is the greatest invention to ever grace this planet we call Tatooine. Just like the Force it has a Light side and a Dark side, and it binds the Universe together!
Q-Bert: I'm speechless...but you have about three hundred people on the line...listen boys and girls, if your question has to do with duct tape, hang up before I start singing in Latin.
(the majority of the callers hang up immediately)
Shasta: Good job Q-meister.
Damien: Screw that, I wanted to talk about duct tape some more...
Shasta: So, caller, how may I help you?
Rip's Voice: I'll have a pepperoni with cheese and six-pack...wait, do you guys sell kegs? And I want it fast dammit! Isn't that "Within a half hour or free" rule still around? Holy meandering mongoose shit, I hate you pizza tools!
Shasta: Rip, it's Shasta. You just called a radio psychiatrist.
Rip: ...do I still get my pizza?
Shasta: No.
Rip: How about you ask me some sorta question, then...I win a free pizza?
Shasta: No.
Rip: Eat me! Although...can you answer my question?
Shasta: ...maybe.
Rip: Alright, here we go. When I go to the fridge and get myself a beer and month-old tuna sandwich...there's this little light on-
Damien: Goddammit Rip, how many freakin' times do I have to tell you? The light goes OFF when you close the damn door!
Rip: No, no...calm down, loosen the sphincter. That wasn't what I was going to ask. I was wondering if I could replace that light with a black light...'cause that would RAWK! Plus, then the food might actually look somewhat edible in that light-
Damien: You do that, now stop wasting my valuable time and go sniff the couch cusions again or something.
Q-Bert: That was quite...uh...can I take the next call?
Shasta: Surely.
Damien: Shirley.
Q-Bert: Hello Caller, how may I help you?
Wolfgang's Voice: Why don't you guys play any Cradle of Filth?
Q-Bert: *sigh* Wolfgang, we don't play music, this is a call-in therapist show.
Wolfgang: That's what I'm doing.
Q-Bert: Huh?
Wolfgang: That's what I'm doing, calling in...and asking why you don't play any Cradle of Filth.
Q-Bert: Please, go sacrifice a woodchuck or something. I'm sure Leng Cho needs to be fed.
Wolfgang: Leng Cho is asleep, I put him to bed in your underwear drawer.
Q-Bert: Goddammit!
Damien: Wolfy my dear boy, do you have a question for us?
Wolfgang: Actually, yeah...where the goat sex is Elmo? Doesn't he realize he's facing you two tomorrow night?
Damien: He's probably at home, curled into the fetal position wearing only a soiled pair of "Bob the Builder" underoos, sucking his thumb, sobbing softly to himself...
Q-Bert: What the hell did he ever do to you?
Damien: He just exists. He's so damn proud of the fact that he "helped" me get my win over Reaper almost two years ago, yet what the hell has he done since? Holding the GCW National title for all of four days? And that was only because I was a nice guy and GAVE the Goddamn thing to him, it was rightfully mine. Then he gave it back to me, so I gave the TV to him instead...so tell me, did he REALLY win EITHER of those titles fair and square?
Q-Bert: ...no.
Shasta: And then you have our GCW Tag title win...which was mainly me. If you go back to the tapes, he spent most of his time screwin' around with Vanquish, playin' Pat E. Cake or some shit, while I was busy beating the horse dung out of Tracer X. And then, it was his no-show that caused us to lose the damn titles to Legacy and Tracer once we arrived here in GWO!
Q-Bert: You mean GWA.
Damien: WHATEVER! GWA, GCW, HCW, ABC, XYZ...it doesn't matter what three letters are on the marquee...Elmo just plain sucks. He's proven it time and time again by having others either win titles for him or GIVE titles to him. I mean, I've beaten his sorry ass twice already, and both times he hardly put up a fight!
Shasta: And I won the TV title from him! Sure, he'll deny it 'till the day he dies, but on the very last show before GCW went belly-up the first time, I rightfully won the Television Championship from that little furry bastard. It's just that the front office in that place sucked so much that they stripped me of it and declared it vacant almost immediately.
Damien: Bottom-line, he blows goats. I think his track record proves that. I mean, he's no-showed more matches than he's actually had!
Q-Bert: You've no-showed twice.
Damien: Q, don't make me get the corkscrew. The first time I no-showed was because Kirby's lazy ass didn't feel like gettin' up for the match and was sure as shit not goin' out there alone. The second time was because of my knee injury that I've had for years now, so zip it, Q!
Shasta: Yes, next Caller?
Rad Brad's Voice: Damn, this show sucks, how did you idiots ever get on the air?
Damien: How did you two ever win the Tag titles?
Great Nate: Hey, that was low dude, not cool at all.
Rad Brad: Yeah, when you get back to the locker room, I'm kickin' you in the junk!
Damien: Ooh, I'm scared, I might wet my pants.
Shasta: ...too late.
Q-Bert: *ugh*
(Hey kids, if you want to keep reading, click on Part 2!)
Shasta: Okay, Caller, how may I help you?
Elmo's Voice: Um, my name is Elm- I mean Grover Steak Knife and I don't like what you say about Elmo, he's my favorite wrestler.
Damien: Well little boy, are you "special"? Do you ride to school on the short bus? Do you regularly consume paint chips as your normal diet? Or mabye live under some high voltage power lines? 'Cause whatever the reason, you're a fucking retard.
Shasta: Maybe it's W-w-west.
Damien: Or Marlboro.
Q-Bert: Guys, I think it's Elm-
Damien: Don't interrupt me when I'm badgering a caller. Now tell me, how in the name of Beetle Bailey's bastard brother can you like that muppet motherfucker?
Grover: 'Cause he rules and you suck!
Shasta: Hey, I know that voice...
Damien: Don't tell me you went to the St. Stupid's Home for Dumbasses, too.
Grover: Hey!
Shasta: Let me ask you a question...do you believe "Follow that Bird" starring the Oscar nominee Big Bird, was a better movie then the "Muppets"?
Grover: Now would that be the "Muppet Movie" or "The Muppets Take Manhattan"?
Damien: Don't forget "Great Muppet Caper", "Muppet Treasure Island", "Muppet Christmas Carol" and "Muppets in Space"
Q-Bert: I'm frightened that you know all those.
Shasta: I'm talkin' 'bout the "Muppet Movie" you twit! Which will always be superior to that "Manhattan" garbage! Nothing can beat an original!
Damien: Hey dingus, I liked "Manhattan"
Grover: Anyway...the "Muppets Movie" WAS much better than "Follow that Bird".
Shasta: So you admit to the Muppets being better than Sesame Street!?
Grover: Yeah...sure.
Q-Bert: What the hell does that have to do with anything!?
Damien: ...go to Time Out, Q-Bert.
(Q-Bert walks to the corner)
Shasta: I KNEW it, it's ELMO!
Damien: Elmo you pissant little fuckwad!
Elmo: ...BYE!
Damien: He's gonna get the ass-rapin' of his life tomorrow.
Q-Bert: Can you NOT talk about anal sex for on-
Shasta: No talking in Time Out, mister!
Q-Bert: ...next caller, please.
Some Guy: Hello, is Rebecca there?
Damien: Uh...Rebecca? Here? Let me check...yeah, she's here...but she can't talk right now, she's sucking my dick...you want her to call you back?
*click*
Damien: Guess not.
Q-Bert: Have you no soul? Now that man thinks his wife is cheating on him!
Damien: Wife? No, I think he meant his daughter.
Q-Bert: *sigh*
Shasta: Must you keep doing that?
Damien: Well folks, looks like today's special guest just walked in the door, we'll continue taking calls in a moment.
(a man walks in the room and takes the chair opposite Damien and Shasta)
Shasta: Wonderful to see you again my old friend.
Kelsey Grammar: Why are you two imbeciles running my show??
Damien: Dude, it's not ACTUALLY your show. You're not really the television character "Frasier". He was what we call "make-believe"
Kelsey Grammar: Says you.
Q-Bert: Why do I let myself get mixed up in these things?
Damien: NO TALKING IN TIME OUT!!
Shasta: Next caller.
Kirby's Voice: I don't think you had to rip Elmo apart THAT badly, I mean-
Damien: Well, if it isn't Kirby! Mr. "I Should be the Class Leader Wah-wah-wah!"
Kirby: You know it's true, Damien...I should.
Damien: Keep bitchin' about it, buddy...maybe one day I'll give a shit...see this?
(Damien takes out a violin)
Damien: This is me playin' "My Heart Pumps Purple Piss for You"
Kirby: Hey Damien, why am I World Champion and you're not?
Damien: I think the more important question is...why do you suck so much?
Kelsey Grammar: It all started when he was a child. Maybe mommy didn't give him enough love...or perhaps too much. Too many imaginary friends and not enough real ones? Stuffed animals shielding him from the outside world?
Damien: ...what the bloody blue fuck are you babbling about?! You are NOT a real psychaitrist!
Sigmund Freud: Quite right. However, I am. Everyvon in this vhroom seems to be suffering from melodramatic character distortion.
Q-Bert: Oh please. This is a little much. I'm outta here.
Sigmund Freud: Vhy do you do vhat you do? Is "Q" short for "queer"? It is quite normal under the conditions you are forced to work under. Tell me about your childhood.
Q-Bert: Aaaaarrrgghh!!
(Q-Bert runs out of the room, Freud chasing him with an umbrella)
Shasta: I do agree, this is getting to be a bit over the top.
Damien: There is no such thing as "over-the-top"
Kirby: Hello?
Damien: Wrong number, shithead!
(Damien and Shasta suddenly notice Kelsey Grammer still watching them both intently)
Shasta: Um...don't you have somewhere to go?
Kelsey Grammar: Hmmm...
Damien: Basically, Kirby is an opportunist. Maybe his memory is a bit foggy, but I remember all too clearly him running around in his underwear, a mask and a cape calling himself the "Eggplant Avenger" in what was the dumbest Goddamn thing I've seen since the "Friends" came on the air. I don't think he EVER won a match as Eggy...but I felt bad for the porker and let him into the Class...and since then he's ridden on the coattails of our success. He wants to be a leader, he can lead himself and Elmo right into a fucking septic tank for all I care, 'cause I'm sick of the both of 'em.
Kelsey Grammar: How very interesting.
Shasta: Are you still here?
Kelsey Grammar: Yes.
Damien: This is getting boring...
Q-Bert: (running past the door) And stupid!
Shasta: Hey, let's go to that bar you're always at, Kelsey!
Damien: Whoo-hoo!
(Scene fades to Channel 69 On Location logo as the "Cheers" theme plays...then to static)
AIM: Pope Corky IX
Yahoo: popecorkytheix
MSN: Evil Mike
E-Mail: popecorkytheix@yahoo.com or evilmike@sillymotherfucker.com
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