SANTA SATAN -- KILL CHRISTIANITY DEAD!!!

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Date Posted: 10:58:58 12/24/00 Sun
Author: Charles Nemo
Subject: SANTA SATAN

SANTA SATAN
By Mr. Normal
(Xmas Eve, 2000 e.v.)

I first fathomed this issue after reading a pithy little tract titled "The Last Days of Christ the Vampire" by J.G. Eccarius. Eccarius' thesis is that xtianity has its origins in a vampire cult. That theory is quite convincing in spite of its purported fictionality. This communion command originally might have been intended literally: "Drink, for this is my blood!" I thought to myself, "If christ was/is a vampire, then it's equally plausible that Santa is really Satan!"

Think about it, folks! It's not just that "Santa" is an obvious anagram of Satan; that his last name "Claus" is Olde English for the "hoof-claws" inside those big, black boots; that Santa wears a demonic red suit symbolic of the fires of Hell; and that his huge hat must conceal horns. The clincher is that Santa represents xmas, that time of year when xtian greed and phony sincerity reach their unctuous peak. It's the season when braindead followers of the ultimate vampire cult are whipped into frenzies that leave them figuratively drained -- broke and exhausted.

Understandably, it's also the time of the year when depression and suicides max out as the futility of achieving happiness sinks in at least subliminally. A December, 2000 Gallup poll shows that 85% of us think that xmas is too commercial, but Santa/Satan wouldn't have it any other way! Our most respected institutions are in on the plot too. Even the law of the land forbids a baby jesus in the town square, but who's there instead? You guessed it! Santa!

Satan once was god's favorite angel. Satan's attempted heavenly coup failed, but he was given his very own place to rule and called it Hell. Satan also got free reign to tempt as many people as he wanted (even christ himself!) and lots of fabulous stuff to tempt them with (like eternal youth and Mercedes Benzes). However, Satan still was not satisfied. He worked hard to make xmas the most important retail event of the year. A recent survey showed that 60% of holiday spending occurs at xmas, and another 20% at Satan's recognized holiday of Halloween. Think about it, folks! Satan has locked up 80% of our holiday dollars! Who else could be the "red dragon" of Revelation 12:3?

Satan's evil plan has created jobs for hundreds of thousands of lecherous old pedophiles throughout this godly country every December. These filthy, homeless hobos just lie on their urine-stained cardboard beds 11 months out of the year, dreaming of xmas when they can traipse drunkenly into the warmth of departments stores and have innocent little xtian children sit on their vermin-infested laps. Unwary parents happily snap pictures while Satan's obesely wheezing servants ask their children whether they've been "bad" and whisper lewd suggestions in their angelic little ears with their filthy booze-breath and cigarette-discolored lips. How many unsuspecting tots have suffered a quick grope before Santa's little helpers move on to the next hopeful child in line? More important is that asking Santa for something really is an unwitting pact with the Devil, and parents are dooming their children's souls to Hell!

"Santa Satan's" devilish temptations have achieved what John Lennon could only try to claim for the Beatles -- greater popularity than jesus! Indeed, "Santa Satan" truly is the reason for the season!

HAIL SANTA!

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