| Subject: not bad! (err, sammymousie, am i allowed to do this?) |
Author:
.Cassie.
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Date Posted: 08:48:03 05/27/02 Mon
In reply to:
Amanda
's message, "Doesn't this suck????" on 05:34:57 05/27/02 Mon
okies, here we go!
The very first thing that comes to my mind would be this: add some adjectives (describing words)!!!! We know that she is a young mare, but is she beautiful? Chestnut? Arabian? Happy? Purple with pink spots? Lol, adjectives are good! They are friendly! Tee hee hee, I sound like my English teacher! Eg (this is just an example) *The young bay mare strides in, a slightly confused expression upon her tired face*
Second: (this kinda relates to the first one, I guess) people really like to know exactly what they’re talking to: for example, if a stallion decided he wanted to talk to her, and wanted to say something about how he listened to her voice, does he know that its’ soft, pretty, annoyed or loud?
Third: you might want to put in a bit around your surroundings. Its not absolutely necessary or anything, but it might give your posts a bit more depth. E.g. A mournful wind whistled about her elegant figure, only adding to her present loneliness.
Fourth: grammar check! Loads of times you can improve your posts by miles if you simply go back and read them over, saying them out loud or in your head. If you say this phrase out loud “she looks at them with her sad eyes of little hope of ever finding her way” it doesn’t exactly make grammatical sense.
Fifth: I have to give you an A for spelling! The only word misspelled in your entire post is “tierd” (supposed to be “tired”), which is probably a typo! Great job!
Overall: the post lacked depth, but made sense. I understood what your character was doing, and what she wanted.
p.s. don’t ever feel discouraged about your posting level! When I started rping, it took me ages to get past “the white mare walks in. she says hi.” !
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