Runts und Craves Theater -- <font size = "4">The Drunks Bar </font size "4">

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Date Posted: 12:27:31 06/30/01 Sat
Author: Mr. Lyle Odimar
Subject: Runts und Craves Theater

Note: All characters are fictional. In this play, all Christian inhibitions have been removed so that the players speak the truth.

John Louis: Hey look everyone! I dumped Oscar out of his iron lung, pulled his diaper down and bent him over! Look at his asshole! It is a mess of wrinkled hemmorhoids, crusted poop, and it smells!

Bob Gump: If we put a platinum blond wig and fake eyelashes on Oscar's asshole it would look like Jan Crouch!

(everyone laughs)

Hank: I don't know about you, but Oscar's naked Butt makes me kind of excited. Does this mean I'm a homo?

Spott: Ewww! You like gimp-butt?! That makes me sick!

Blob: Jesus said we shouldn't judge, except when it comes to queers. I can't believe Hank would want to put his dick in Oscar's butt! It's probably as full of diseases as a gila monster's bite!

Spott: What's that moving in Oscar's butt? Why, IT IS A
GILA MONSTER! Oscar! A reptile in your ass?! That is sicker than felching with rodents!

Oscar: Puta's! Put me back in my iron lung! I'm expecting a secret phone call from NAMBLA. And the gila monster is my pet, Benny. He likes to live in my ass because it's warm up there and he can perch on my piles like rocks in the desert. Besides, his scales help keep my butthole clean when he moves around. So I like it and Benny likes it and no one gets hurt. What's so wrong with having a giant lizard living in my butt?

Lunette: Oscar you're one sick fuck. But so is every man on earth. I hate my husband and my kids. I'm really a wiccan high priestess. I'm a lesbian too. I'm really taking that cruise with another woman from my Christian church. Mmmmm! I'm looking forward to some rug-munching on the high seas!
I hate penises.

John Louis: Speaking of penises, I was looking through my hidden surveillance cameras and saw something interesting. Let's watch it! (Turns on a vcr/tv unit)

Spott: Why it's a man in a rubber Clinton mask with a girl blowing him at a desk. Hey! Wait a minute! That's you, John! That's you with some girl blowing you!

John Louis: HA HA HA! I was playing "Monica and Bill" with a girl of legal age from my church. I was pretending I was a liberal having a good time.

Blob: But you really are having a good time! She's really sucking your dick! Oh my! Look you're getting stains all over her blue cotton Gap dress.

John Louis: Yep, just like those damn liberals! "Spurt, spurt, spurt," sez little Jack! Gawd, but I just love shooting my pecker-snot all over a liberal Gap dress. I can see why Bill liked it! 'Cep't I can't get impeached! HA HA!

Oscar: For the love of God! Get me back in my iron lung before I die!

Spott: Shut up, Gimp. No one likes you anyway.

Oscar: You hate me because I speak 98 languages fluently.

Hank: Interpret this You damn pederast! (kicks Oscar in the balls) It means you're a sick fuck in the language of my foot!

Oscar: Ow! That hurt more than when Benny bites me!

John Louis: Time to put the gimp back in his cage!

Oscar: Wait! Won't you shovel the shit out of my iron lung first! It hasn't been cleaned for two weeks and last night was cheese nacho and jalapeno night at the NAMBLA meeting! The inside of my iron lung reeks more than the Book of Deuteronomy!

(The cast picks Oscar up and shoves him headfirst into his iron lung. Oscar's muffled screams can't be heard, especialy as his head and mouth are coated with a three inch thick layer of feces.)

Spott: Look at that disgusting Oscar! He's really a closet liberal. I bet that's what hell will be like for liberal homos!

(Benny, the gila monster, climbs out of Oscar's ass and begins chewy on Oscar's penis)

Lunette: Ewww! Benny's trying to chew Oscar's weenie off!

Hank: But Oscar's penis is so leathery and tough from all those years of whacking off with calloused hands that Benny can't even make a dent in it!

Jack Louis: That must be the part of the Bible where we read that in hell the worm dieth not!

(Everyone laughs. Oscar's muted screams are still heard as Benny continues to tear away at his pecker)

Hank: Anyone who would keep a Gila Monster in his ass must be a liberal.

Lunette: My husband keeps an iguana in his ass but he still votes as a conservative -- that is when he isn't whacking off to porn on the internet (All of the men look at each other and laugh nervously, Blob, as usual, feels the need to be earnest)

Blob: If we were to tell the truth, a lot of conservatives have things up their asses. Mostly their heads.

John Louis: That's the only thing you've ever said that makes any sense, Blob. I always thought you were as stupid as Spott, and then you say something smart! I guess you really do have a brain somewhere in that big ugly head of yours! Say! Why don't we all go over to the nigra ghetto and buy some crack cocaine? We can smoke it tonight at the KKK rally!

Spott: I like crack -- well, except for Oscar's!

(Everybody laughs and walks off stage left. Curtain drops)

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