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We open on a third rate sports
network, they are showing highlights from the Women's Final Four,
The Austrian Rodeo Semi-Finals, the Siberian Luge, and other not
so great sports. It turns out to be a repeat of their Sunday
night show......
Pat Madrick
...and now we're up to our Sunday
Conversation. Today our special guest is pro wrestler Happy Pete
of the EEF. Happy Pete is known by many to be the most hardcore
Hardcore Champion of any federation and will now be competing in
the EEF on their television programs. Let's go to Graig
Philborn.....
A video package is shown of various sports
semi-celebrities on the Sunday Conversation. Race Car Driver
Jimmy Labonte, Semi-Pro golfer Pedro Pedro Rodriguez, and minor
league baseball sensation Griff Kenny, Jr. The scene cuts to a
big window overlooking the New Jersey swamps from somewhere in
New York.
Graig Philborn {taking a very sarcastic tone to the whole
interview}
Welcome to Sunday Conversation
here on PNES. Our guest today is H. Pete Lovecraft, known to many
of you Happy Pete of the pro wrestling company EEF. The EEF will
be in town for a debut show soon where Mr. Lovecraft....
Happy Pete
Just call me Pete...
Graig Philborn
Alright, where Pete will no doubt
be participating in the main event. Well Pete tell us about these
news report in the Post. It seems as if you have cause a little
trouble in your time in the fed called the HWA.
Happy Pete
That, that, well, uh,
that was just a bunch of us blowing off steam, you know.
Graig Philborn
No kidnappings, no transgender
harassment, no vehicle vandalisms?
Happy Pete
I'm not a liberity to
discuss things in the HWA at the moment.
Graig Philborn
Alright, well let's talk about
where you began as a wrestler. You're from Goatsnads, Louisiana
aren't you?
Happy Pete
That's right, born and
raised. I was adopted from the local orphanage at a young age. I
grew faster than the other kids in my class, so I was sort of an
outcast. My highschool days got a little better as I lettered in
Football my Freshman year and set the state record for most sacks
in a game. The summer after I graduated I worked for Granny Pete
at a pizza parlour. I sort of put on a few pounds that summer and
lost my football scholarship to SOUSED, Southern Ohio Unversity,
Sports and Education Division. So, without my scholarship, I
worked as an aligator wrestler to earn money to attend Southern
LOuiSiana School of Health, SLOSHED, to become a physical
theropist. I attended classes during the day and wrestled gators
at night. One day, a gentlemen by the name of Beuford T.
Snodgrass saw me wrestling and offered me a pro wrestling
contract with his federation. Using my class room knowledge of
Physical Therapy, I not only wrestled, I tended to the other guys
when they were injured. After awhile, I finally got the call to
go to a national organziation called the OWF. I got broke into
the business the hardway, but I soon got the respect of the guys
in the back. From the OWF I bounced around a few federations like
the 4WF, SCWF, VWF, and the HWA until I found a new home in the
EEF. I've been with this group for about a year now and we're all
real close.
Graig Philborn
O.k. Pete, what's up with the
clown make-up?
Happy Pete
Well as you know, the
biggest part of wrestling is having a gimmick that the fans can
Indentify with. Luckily as it turned out, Goatsnads water supply
isn't very good. A chemical agent in the water bleached
everyone's skin a pale, pale white. For a couple of years,
everyone was solid white, it looked like Birmingham in the 60's.
Well as I left Goatsnads and travelled around Louisiana and
wrestled as a zombie like character. As the months went on, I
accumulated various injuries including a busted nose. When the
doctors reset my nose, a blood vessel burst, a very common
occurrance. But where as it isn't noticiable on most people due
to the pigment in their skin, it turned my nose a red color. I
spent a few weeks at home and about the third week, I
accidentially grabbed Granny Pete's hair dye. I reported back to
Bueford the next week with a red nose and blue hair. I don't know
about you, but I've never seen a zombie like that. Well over
those weeks I was off I had accumulated a few extra pounds as
well, so Bueford in his genius, sent me out to wrestle as an
ill-tempered ex-circus clown with a drinking problem. Well the
fans just loved it. Something about a fat clown boozin' it up
while beating up people really struck a chord with Louisiana
fans. I kept the gimmick of a clown and started going by my first
two names, Happy Pete.
Graig Philborn
So your full name is Happy Pete
Lovecraft?
Happy Pete
Legally, yes. I was
always smiling as a baby so the orphanage named me Happy,
everyone in town is named Pete, and Lovecraft, well, that came
from a nurse who has a fan of the horror genre.
Graig Philborn
Interesting. Tell us about your
partners , the B-Team. I understand you have a little person and
a developmentally challenge person that run around with you?
Happy Pete
Yep, The B-Team
consists of myself, Irish Pete, and Eddie Bonser. Irish Pete is
the little person you refered to. He's a native of Goatsnads as
well. I hooked up with him a few years back when he was at a
local bar. It was a friday night, and every friday night was
midget bowling. Now I was watching this go on when Irish Pete got
up. This fellow was wearing a kilt. This tall lanky fellow went
to toss him and got a strike. The tall lanky fellow got a strike
and refused to split the winnings with I.P. I.P produced a seven
iron from somewhere and proceeded to beat the crap out of the
lanky fellow and anyone that tried to get near him. After
everyone settled down, I.P. walked over and calmly took the guy's
500 bucks. From then on, we were in it for the long run. We both
like women, whiskey, and wrestlin', in that order.
Graig Philborn
I think we have a picture of the
two of you.
Happy Pete
Yeah, this is before
the water incident in Goatsnads. This is actually a pretty rare
photo of me and Irey before we took on our clown personas. Irish
Pete basically developed his "face" the same way I did,
but he didn't have any hair to dye, and his red nose came from
drinking alot.....This picture was taken, I believe, after we had
just beaten up some guy. I think Irish Pete is actually standing
on that guys' -bleep-.....turns out he was just carrying some
programs for the local wrestling promotion.
Graig Philborn
That's quite an interesting story.
What about this Eddie Bonser...
Happy Pete
Ed, well Ed's a
different story. Me and Irey were needing a tag team partner for
me back at one of our early HWA shows. Irey knew this guy that
ran a local school so he called him. The guy said he had this
student that was spectacular, so Irey wrote down his name and
number. Well the HWA road secretary got the name wrong. Instead
of getting Ed Berzerker from Mr. Evil's School of Pain, we got
Eddie Bonser from Ms. Ellen's School and Day Care. Since we
didn't have time for anything else, we used Eddie, and well,
let's just say his debut was "Special". Irish Pete
decided to train him while we were on the road and Ed became
quite the accomplish wrestler, if not the smartest apple in the
bunch. He even named his finishing move the ADD-DDT, mainly so he
could remember his medicine.
Graig Philborn
Interesting. Well it says here
your "finishing manuever" is called the Brick
-bleep-house. What's the story behind that....
Happy Pete
Well as you know, part
of being a wrestler is having a good trademark finishing move.
Ed's ADD-DDT is a great trademark move for him since it fits his
personality. When we were trying to come up with a great move for
me we decided to have some Taco Bell. Well to keep a gross story
short, we decided on the -bleep-house powerbomb. About that time
A rather muscular woman walked by and we heard some truckers
exclaim she was built like a brick -bleep-house, so we adpoted
that name. It's actually just the name used to descripe the
particular type of powerbomb I use as finisher depending on the
situation. The pre-teen fans love to hear the announcers say it,
so I guess that's all that matters.
Graig Philborn
It is kind of fun to say isn't it.
Well, wrestling isn't all you do is it?
Happy Pete
Actually, I was out at
Fox Studios over Christmas, and one the producers of The Simpsons
recognized me. Well one thing led to another and I got to have a
guest "appearance" as Krusty the Clown's half brother.
It was a great episode, my character Petesel Krustovsky, got
attacked by midgets and if you look close enough one of them is
wearing a kilt....
Graig Philborn
Hey
guess what? We've got a still from that episode, let's take a
look.
Graig Philborn
Great
Stuff Pete, just great stuff. Now, what about this Hardcore title
business. You claim to be the definition of hardcore, but isn't
it spelled Hard-core?
face="Comic Sans MS">
Happy Pete
Well at least you chose this inaccuracy instead of why Irish Pete
wears a kilt, when a kilt is Scottish. To answer your question,
I'm not too good at grammer and stuff and neither is our
production crew. When we made up my entrance video and included
the dictionary entry, we just didn't catch it. Still, like the
Irish Pete paradox, no one seems to notice very often.
Graig Philborn
Let's........take
a look!
| width="125" height="150"> |
Graig Philborn
Say, I
was watching Dogma the other day in theaters and read where you
tag up with Sean Furgeson as a team called Team Askew. How does
pro-wrestling and the popular Kevin Smith relate?
Happy Pete
They don't. We both just think those movies kick ass and they
provide us with the motovation we need to live! Actually we make
our debut as Team Askew soon. While I got the mic I would like to
plug our show as best I can. We plan on it being a great night!
Graig Philborn
I bet
it will be, I know I'll be there.
face="Comic Sans MS">
Producer
and
we're clear!
Graig Philborn
Wow I
didn't think that would ever be over....
Happy Pete
What?
Graig Philborn
No
offense man, but I use to be on the big show and I use to
interview real athletes like Michael Jordan and Sammy Sosa. Now
I'm stuck on this third rate cable peice of crap with staff
members that smell like onions and I'm interviewing
pro-wrestlers. Now, I know you guys do some crazy stuff to
entertain your fans, it's just that, come one, I had to interview
a pro wrestler! I'M GRAIG PHILBORN!
face="Comic Sans MS">
By
this time the entire crew as gathered in a circle around the
stage. The union boys don't look to happy to hear what Mr.
Philborn just said.
face="Comic Sans MS">
Big Tony, the Union leader
Say
Graiggers, I think that violates our contract, refering to us as
onion smellin', yeah, that violates our contract......
The
union boys gather around Graig and back him up against the big
window
Graig Philborn
Guys,
Guys, comeone can't we talk about this......
Big
Tony grabs Philborn and toss him out the second story window.
Big Tony, the Union leader
Oh
man, he just nailed a GMC van with a big blue B painted on it!
Happy Pete
Oh, my ride is here.
Happy
Pete leaves the soundstage as the crew goes back to pulling their
pants up and being lazy. On his way out, Happy grabs a box of
donuts.
Little Friedo, the Union squeeky guy
Hey,
that clown just stole our donuts! GET HIM!!!
Happy
Pete takes off runing with the donuts. He gets out of the studio
and dives in the van as the union guys catch up. Irish Pete puts
it into gear and peels away as the union guys shake their fists
in the air and pull up their pants.