Author:
Big Pimpin'
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Date Posted: 13:39:07 05/19/06 Fri
Q: Went to the Yankees home opener and was using one of the urinals in the men's bathroom. Two stalls over, a guy had his daughter in one of those baby pappoose things around his neck. The guy between us strikes up a conversation with the dad. "So how old is she? Is this her first baseball game? Is this her first Yankees game?" Then he says, while talking stupid baby talk, "I bet this won't be the only time you go to a Yankees game." Just then, another guy walks behind us and says, "I bet this also won't be the only time she's in the men's room," and keeps on walking past. Welcome to Yankee Stadium.
--J. Coyle, Morristown, N.J.
QUALITY QUESTIONS THAT JUST DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT
Elgin Baylor wins Executive of the Year. A "Real World" cast member (Jacinda Barrett) is starring in her second blockbuster film. You're creating a fantasy league based on US Weekly while claiming to be straight, married and with child. Next, I am going to read that Dustin Diamond is playing Ralph Hinkley/Hanley in the inevitable "The Greatest American Hero" film. Is the world coming to an end?
-- Sean Kelly, Los Angeles
Can you think of any award in pro sports that is more emasculating than the Lady Byng? Who would be proud to say "Hey, I won the Lady Byng!"
-- Shawn, Newport Beach, Calif.
You mentioned how there is so much tension in the Lakers-Sun series, but during the fight between Sasha and Nash you could actually see what Kobe said when they bumped into each other. He looks at Nash and says: "Hey! HEY STEVE NASH!" and runs over. My friends and I think that is quite possibly the funniest way ever to confront someone. So now anytime anything good or bad happens to Nash it's "HEY STEVE NASH!"
-- J. Waterhouse, Los Angeles
In the Pearl Jam/NBA column, you either missed the most obvious lyric or passed on it:
I know one day you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky
Why, why, why can't it be
Can't it be mine
Sung by Joe Dumars, to Darko.
-- Martin Del Vecchio, Gloucester, Mass.
Hey there, Midas Touch Simmons: First the woeful Pats become your industry-standard NFL dynasty. Then the loveable loser Red Sox win the WS (now you can die in peace). Now the FREAKING CLIPPERS win a playoff series? Have you thought about advisory roles? Like, say, wealth management or real estate deals where you get paid to "bless" possible investments/deals? At this rate, I'm convinced that you could turn around Bush's presidency.
-- Dave Lederhos, Denver
I think I have found the male equivalent for the female longing to cuddle after sex, and their apparent empty feeling if they don't get the affection. It's the quick cut to the "Good Night" screen on the "Extra Innings" baseball package immediately following the last out. Couldn't they give us two minutes of postgame? Maybe even a commercial break and then some local commentary just to wind things down a little and show me you really care? Is it too much to ask?
-- Will, Berkeley, Calif.
Do you think Keith Hernandez was auditioning to replace Champ Kind as the sports reporter for the Channel 5 News Team in San Diego?
-- Kris, New York
Game 3 of the Clippers-Nuggets series -- midway through the first quarter, after the Nuggets had recovered from an early hole and gone on a big run, the play-by-play guy asks Collins, "Doug, in the playoffs, how often did you have to tell your team, 'If they fell behind early to just weather the first 8-9 minutes and regroup?' " The only thing that would have topped asking a coach with a career 15-23 playoff record such a question would be if he kept pestering Collins until he got an answer -- "Seriously, Doug, how many times did you have to tell your team to 'weather the storm and regroup'? All 38? 25 out of 38?"
-- Jeremy, Columbia, S.C.
SG: Now this is the stuff that doesn't happen on the West Coast. But you got me thinking -- I have been doing these mailbag columns for nine years now (dating back to my old Web site), and there have been an inordinate amount of men's room stories from sporting events. I even have a personal favorite that happened to me:
A few years ago, the Bug and I had roof-deck seats on the third-base side at Fenway and ended up hitting the men's room together. Because there aren't a ton of roof-deck seats, it's always pretty quiet up there in the concessions and the bathrooms ... so if you ever wanted to do something a little, um, risky, that's the place to do it. Anyway, we're using the urinals and Bug looks in the mirror and notices that, in one of the stalls behind us, there are two sets of legs, and let's just say that they're facing each other and one of the people was crouching. It's impossible to overstate how excited the Bug was about this -- he looked happier than a third base coach ready to congratulate someone who just hit a walkoff homer.
We both finish our business, and I want to go back to our seats, but Bug refuses to leave because he wants to see how cute the girl is. He won't be denied. So now we're just hanging out in the men's room pretending to wash our hands for a few minutes. Finally, the door to the stall opens ... and two of the ugliest, scummiest people on the planet walk out of there. You know how you feel when Carmela and Tony start making out on the "Sopranos"? Multiply that by 200,000. Even worse, the girl has one of those cutesy, "Uh-oh, looks like we were caught" looks on her face. We couldn't have fled out of there fast enough -- it was like we were leaving a crime scene.
So here's my question: Why hasn't this turned into its own Web site yet? Doesn't everyone have one bizarre bathroom story from a sporting event? Just in the last month, someone sent me cell phone photos of Danny Ainge peeing in a urinal and glancing over in horror right as the picture was taken, and someone else sent me a YouTube video of a drunk Cubs fan doing a Rick Dempsey-style, face-first slide through one of those long urinal troughs. Shouldn't we be putting this stuff in one place?
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