Try out -- GWA Tryout board

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Date Posted: 05:45:48 02/17/02 Sun
Author: DT
Author Host/IP: 46.cambridge-11-12rs.ma.dial-access.att.net / 12.91.4.46
Subject: Try out

An old one:

((( The opens in an ancient Roman style palace. It's made out of stone, obviously, and vines that appear to be hundreds of years old hug the thick, weather-worn pillars, the vine so thick it appears that they are trees that some how came to grow around the pillars. The path to the thrown is that of one paved with tiles so white and smooth that the marble appears to be ivory. The camera slowly zooms in. A curvy woman with black hair and a slight muscular build lies on one of those Roman sofa-thingies(whatever) with servants around her, peeling and feeding her grapes. Sherry looks at the camera and smiles. )))

Sherry: "Welcome one and all to P&O's very own Classic Tales! Today we will follow the adventures of..."

((( Sherry stops for a second and frowns. )))

Sherry: "Err.... someone! I dunno his original name, but Jack's playing the part, so we'll just call him Jack! Anyway, Jack was a very brave and strong man!"

((( Jack walks down an old country path. )))

Jack: "I am very strong and brave!"

((( A couple of children, about seven or eight, and hardly above three feet tall come running by. One of them accidently bumps into Jack, sending him flying into a ditch by the side of the road, filled with rainwater. )))

Jack: "YUCK!"

((( Sherry shrugs. )))

"Well, okay, maybe he wasn't that strong!"

((( Jack picks himself up and wipes the mud off. )))

Jack: "Hey! I am strong! Those kids were demons or were on steroid or sommat!"

"Sure they were Jack."

((( Jack growls, pulling himself out of the gully. )))

"Well, one thing's for sure! Jack was brave! Oh yes! Very, very brave!"

((( Jack continues to walk down the road until he sees a bee buzzing around. He stops for a second, all ridgid like a scared cat, then when it comes closer, he screams like a little girl and dives back into the gully on the side of the road. )))

"*sigh...* Jack! Yer not cooperatin', here! C'mon! Yer supposed t' be brave, but yer a scared lil' pussy! Yer supposed t' be strong and you get tossed int' th' gully by some babies! What th' fuck is up with you?!"

((( Jack carefully climbs out of the gully again. )))

Jack: "Hey! Demon children and bumble bees are very scary!"

((( Sherry sighs again. )))

"Whatever! Let's skip ahead a little, okay?"

((( Jack nods. )))

Jack: "Fine by me."

((( Sherry eats a grape and continues. )))

"Anyway, he traveled to some big city where the king ruled and revealed to the king that he was his long lost son. Because the king was an old fart and he'd gone senile he believed Jack."

((( The king smiles widely. )))

King: "Finally, I am so glad my son has returned!"

((( The king jumps up to try to hug Jack, but he's old and tired so he trips and falls down the stairs to his throne. )))

King: "Ow..."

((( Jack casually looks at the king. )))

Jack: "Dude, you okay?"

(((( The king slowly pulls himself up. )))

King: "Not really."

((( Jack looks around. )))

Jack: "So where's my party?"

((( The king smiles. )))

King: "Ah, yes.... BRING ON TH' BITCHES!"

((( Suddenly, tons of women in togas pour into the throne room, and fall all over Jack. )))

Jack: "PARTY!!!"

"But there was no celebration because all was not well!"

((( All the women disapear. )))

Jack: "Hey!"

"He he..."

((( The king puts an arm around Jack. )))

King: "All is not well in our kingdom, my son."

((( Jack is still mad about the women and pretends not to hear him. )))

"I say, all is not well in our kingdom."

((( No repsonse.)))

"I say, not all is well in our kingdom."

((( Still non response. )))

"I say, not all is well in our kingdom."

((( Nope. )))

"I say, not all is well-"

((( Jack explodes. )))

Jack: "OKAY, OKAY, WHAT H' FUCK IS WRONG, Y' OL' FAG?!"

((( The king nods. )))

King: "Ever since we lost a war to king Raynos, we've been their bitches."

Jack: "Their bitches?"

"Their bitches."

"Their bitches?"

"Their bitches."

"Their bitches?"

"Their bitches."

"Their bitches?"

"Their bitches."

"Their bitches?"

"Their bitches."

"Their bitch-"

"All right already! Let's move this shit along!!!"

((( Jack looks indignant. )))

Jack: "Well, sooooory!"

((( The king continues. )))

King: "They make us bring three young men and three young women over to their island every year where they feed them to Raynos's son, the Haylotaur!"

((( Jack scowls. )))

Jack: "What's a Haylotaur?"

((( The king clears his throat. )))

King: "It is half man, half donkey."

((( Jack laughs. )))

Jack: "Always knew he was a jackass!"

"And so, Jack, bein' th' very brave guy that he was, volunteered to be one of the six to go to Raynos's kingdom, so that he may slay the Haylotaur."

((( Two guards begin to drag Jack out of the palace doors. )))

Jack: "Ah! Help! NOOOOOOO!"

((( The king waves. )))

King: "One more thing, Jack. If you sail back alive, change the black sails of the ship to white."

"And so off they went, to Raynos's kingdom to face his asshole of a son, the Haylotaur. When they finally landed, Raynos gave a great feast, because he either wanted to fatten them up or he wanted a chance to brag about his non-existent wrestling skills."

((( Jack stuffs some potatoes into his mouth, then he tries to eat some chicken. The bone goes through the 'tato mush and begins to choke him. He falls off his chair and coughs and hacks. He chokes for about five minutes, until he takes all the junk out of his mouth. )))

Jack: "Hey, wouldn't I've been dead for choking that long?"

"Then he met the very beautiful.... uh.. um... Brittany Spheres, King Raynos's daughter. The king forced his people to listen to her sing and stare at her implants!"

((( Jack doesn't hear a word Spheres says, staring at her breasts. )))

Jack: "Peh, no one's forcin' me!"

((( Sphere's finishes her speech and gives Jack a sword and a ball of string. )))

Jack: "What th' hell're these things for?"

Spheres: "Weren't you listening to me?"

Jack: "Nope."

Spheres: "Look - use the string in the maze so you don't get lost and use the sword to kill the Haylotaur!"

"So Jack went off into the maze... bravely..."

((( Guards drag the reluctant Jack into the maze, kicking and screaming. )))

Jack: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NOOOOOOOOO!"

"*sigh*... Anyway, Jack unraveled the ball of string as he went, until he heard some screaming around the corner.

((( It is a man screaming and a donkey neighing. Jack looks around the croner to see something that horrifies him! )))

"AAAAAH! NO! I just wanted to deliver a pizza! Oh dear God, no!"

((( The Haylotaur smashes the pizza box over the pizza guy's head and stomps on him until he is a bloody mess on the ground. )))

Haylotaur: "HAW HAW HAW! ME BE'EN SOOO TOUGH! ME KILL PIZZA GUY! HAW HAAAAAAAAAAW!"

Pizza Guy: "I'm.. not dead... yet..."

((( The Haylotaur squishes his head. )))

Haylotaur: "NOW YOU ARE!"

((( Jack pukes. )))

Jack: "Why th' hell did you kill him?"

((( The Haylotaur shrugs. )))

Jack: "Whatever...."

((( Jack stabs the sword right through the Haylotaur and walks off. )))

"And so, having killed the Haylotaur, Jack set sail back to his homeland, takin' Spheres along with him. They stopped on an island along the way, and there, they got laid."

((( Jack puffs on a cigarette, and then chokes and throws it away. )))

Jack: "Th' fuck?! I don't even smoke! Woo, great sex, though."

"Gettin' what he wanted out of spheres, he left her on that island, sailin' away quietly by night with th' rest of th' crew."

((( Jack and the sailors tip toe into the ship. )))

Jack: "Quietly, now, guys!"

"Unfortunately, Jack forgot to change the black sails to wwhite, and the king killed himself."

((( The king looks down at the sea. )))

King: "Good-bye, cruel world!"

((( The king jumps off , but lands on a nook on the cliff. )))

King: "Ow... I broke every bone in my body!"

((( No one's around... )))

King: "Hello? Anyone?... Anybody?... HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!.... Hello..?"

"And Jack was so sad that he had found out the king killed himself, Jack did the same."

((( Jack laughs, as he takes a seat in the king's throne. )))

Jack: "Yeah-fuckin'-right! PAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRTAAAAAAAAY!!"

((( A bunch of people in togas jump out of nowhere and start dancing to music. )))

Jack: "BRING ON THE BITCHES!!!"

((( A bund of women jump out of nowhere and start to feel Jack up on the throne. )))

Jack: "What am I forgettin'?... OH YEAH!"

((( Jack beckons the camera closer. )))

Jack: "Hayle, Rayne.... THIS IS YER FRIKKEN' HERO SPEAKIN'!!! Now don't go wettin' yer panties, fellas, 'cause I don't like you. In fact I hate you! Me 'n' Tiger'll make you nothin' but a blood spot on the ring when we're through with you on Wednesday! You think you scare me, guys? Well yer dead wrong. No one scares me! From sea t' shinin' sea I'm everyone's frikken' hero! You don't deserve any damn belts, you deserve t' get yer ass kicked, which is whatr's gonna happen! When y' step int' th' ring with Jack Otis, you step int' th' O-Zone. Peace out, bitches. Enjoy yer last days of life on the earth."

((( The scene fades out of the wild party... )))

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