| Subject: my Alex Band Fanfic |
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gemma (jimjam)
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Date Posted: 01:12:58 07/25/03 Fri
If I Ever Lose My Faith In You~*
"Tony Clash dissapears In Mystery Tour Disaster!-
It was reported that lead Singer of "The Heathens" Dissapeared today leaving the band just hours before the bands first European tour, Sources say he was behaving strangely and cannot understand why he would walk out so unexpectedly , Drummer Nicky Pascoe says "This is not like the tony we know...this is totally out of Charachter"
Chapter One~*
The faded and yellowed article sat on my lap, it was easy to read things that weren't true, They hadn't felt the denim against their cheek as they clung to his leg, the feel of his skin against theirs, hadn't heard his voice as he said that last hollow goodbye "Daddy'll see you soon" and they hadn't waited every night for thirteen years for him to come back, he wasn't their father...
Warm wet tears hurt my eyes, the glowing numbers on the clock blurring, In a few hours Toni Clash daughter of the missing rock star had to get up and begin a completely new life, A life away from New York, A life away from clambering reporters and a life away from the legacy We'd spent the last twelve years trying to protect.
Chapter Two~*
The sheet was still damp when I woke, tear stained cheeks dirty and cold, The first breeze of the impending Californian Summer blowing through my open window as if to show me the world was waiting for me, and I wasn't ready for it, I couldn't breathe as I got dressed a completeley new image in the clothes my mother had picked out for me, I felt three years old again wearing pink shoes and ribbons in my hair I threw them across the room and pulled on my tattered Jeans and a vest, my beaded bracelets and other various non conformist fashion statements before taking a lingering look at my bedroom not wanting to leave.
"You Can't go wearing that!" My mom hissed she herself wasn't the mom I knew, my mom like me was in a word -non conformist.
She was usually the one wearing tattered Jeans and scuffed sneakers but now she swanned round the house like Martha Stewart, wearing dresses and sensible shoes teamed with her floral apron "You can't let on who you are" She said softly I pulled on my jacket "We can't all pretend to be something were not" she didn't say anything as I pulled the stained glass front door closed behind me.
I hated California, I seemed to hate most sunlight in general, and coming from New York I never had to worry about it before, but the sweat rolled off me as I walked the short distance to Oakwood High, I regretted wearing a Jacket and as I saw some of the other students I began to regret agreeing for my mom to send me here, most girls were Britney wannabes, all fake hair and huge heels, the boys were huge on there own, most played football at a guess but didn't seem to be one of them who didn't look like he could pick you up and snap you like a skinny twig, then I saw him.
He was sat alone on a bench reading a book on American World History, Kokopelli the American Music God to be precise, but he was completely unaware of the rest of the world just passing him by, "Hi" The boy scared the crap out of me, He looked like a reject from the sixties with broken glasses and sensible shoes His Name was Cane Williams as I found out after his moms favourite singer from the sixties Cane Devoy, He informed me on all of the lessons we had today and what the teachers were like, I had the distinct feeling that the only reason he was standing here was because no one else liked him, but seen as I knew nothing and nobody I might as well just hang around with him whether I wanted to or not.
It wasn't until lunchtime I saw the book worm again, "Who's he?" I whispered Cane temporarily stopped drinking Milk to give me What I guessed was supposed to be a stern warning "That Is Alex Band and If you're sensible you will stay far away" I had to laugh he seemed almost scared to let Alex Hear him as if he could hex him on the spot, "He was quite popular a few years ago, Seemed to have it all went out with the best looking girl in school Adrienne King" He stopped as if picturing her in his head I elbowed him in the ribs and he carried on "Then they didn't talk for a little while then it all came out apparently he tried to rape her and she said when they were alone he tried to do all that Voodoo type stuff...like devil worshipping you know?" I had to laugh "And you believe that?" He nodded sipping his milk "Adrienne never lies" I was left feeling slightly bemused by what I'd been told on the one hand He did not exactly look like a devil worshipper but On the other why would this girl just make it up out of the blue?
Chapter 3~*
My sneakers echoed on the newly varnished floor as I skidded to a halt directly in front of my locker, Day two and being late wasn't exactly great right now, I jammed the key into the lock and to my horror it fell apart half in the lock and the other half now on the floor, In despair I just banged my head off the door, "Bad Luck" a voice made me jump and standing beside me was Alex, holding the piece of broken key I didn't know what to say, not sure if I should say anything at all. He urged me to move out of the way "I had this locker for two years and its a..." He banged his hand into the already created groove and it flew open "Tempramental bastard" He stood back with a grin "You just gotta know how to treat her" I grabbed my music book "Thanks" He closed it for me and we began to walk the deserted corridor, I wanted to ask him if Cane were indeed telling the truth but something held me back.
"You wanna know if its true don't you?" His voice scared me "how the hell?" Then I put a hand over my mouth talk about putting your foot in it, "Yeah, I don't believe it but it'd be nice to hear you tell me" He nodded , "Meet me here at Lunch and I'll tell you whatever you wanna Know" I nodded and when I turned back he was gone.
Chapter 4~*
The corridors were awash with laughing, screaming general mind numbing students when the lunch bell finally went, I couldn't move let alone find Alex but a hand grabbed mine and I was pulled through the crowd, they moved for him, "Kinda cramped?" I nodded "Kinda isn't the word, you'd think they'd never ate before", we walked silently across the secluded school track field, before he decided we were far enough from civilisation to speak, "So...what do you want to know?" I sat down on the Footballers bench "Whatever you want to tell me" He sat down beside me and for a second was eerily silent "I suppose I'd best start from the beginning, I hope your not hungry it could take all lunch time" I wasn't hungry just intrigued as he began...
"I wasn't always so aloof, every god damn football player and Cheerleader invited me to their parties, wanted me to be their drinking buddies or boyfriends, And eventually I fell into the trap and started dating Adrienne...I'm sure Kane already told you about her?" I nodded and urged him to carry on the sound of his voice drowning the world out.
"So At first everything was great, maybe not love she said she loved me but I didn't feel the same, and when I told her..." He stopped momentarily the pained look of hurt in his eyes, "She accused you of trying to rape her" He nodded and rubbed his eyes, too upset to open his mouth, "Did she tell the Cops?" He looked me in the eye and lifted up his shirt across his chest ran a scar a cut so deep he would have never deserved, "I ran into her brother" I ran a finger over it he almost winced at the memory "He didn't believe that his sister was lying, kicked ten tonne of shit outta me, stabbed me with a broken bottle and left me in the gutter...I had to be dragged home" I felt my heart skip a beat as I pictured it in my mind "She didn't tell the cops, that wouldn't have hurt me enough, she told the footballers, and the cheerleaders who drank it up, suddenly everyone was against me, I was labeled as the sicko who tried to rape the future prom queen" He took a deep breath before looking at me again "The devil worshiping bit was thrown in by someone else" I tried to take it all in, he looked so tired of running from the stories, too tired to fight anymore and I begun to fall under his spell I knew in my heart that there was no way he could bring himself to do something so heartless and evil, He took my hand again "I'm not looking for a symphathy vote, I don't want you to pretend to be my friend because you feel sorry for me, I just want to know if you believe me" I took both of his hands in mine "Every word, And I don't want to pretend to be anything I'm not, Alex If you asked me to Jump off a cliff for you I'd do it, I trust you with my life right now" His smile made the words seem so much more, as he hugged me giving me a chance to drink in his smell, the feel of his hair on my cheek the weight of his body...It was true I'd kill for him...and I didn't know why
Chapter 5~*
As it turned out I didn't exactly have to look far for him, He lived three doors away, I should have known when I heard a guitar being played a three AM every morning, and In a reasurring way I needed to hear that music every night before I went to sleep I needed to hear his voice as I stood on the lawn barefoot in my pyjamas,in reality In knew the truth... I needed him, He was like me and I wasn't even sure who I was anymore.
I wasn't sure If I should go round there or not, but he had asked me to come round before and I had made excuses I had a sudden attack of guts as I walked along the block and knocked on the door, it opened slowly and a cat flew round the corner, "Parigi, oh fuck it" He looked up to see me there and grinned still blinded by the mid day sunshine "Hi" He looked as If he'd just woken up but With Alex you never knew if it was a new look, or he really had just woken up , "Who is it?" Another guy slightly older than Alex looked over his shoulder "Hi" Alex pushed him from his shoulder "Aaron go and do something interesting with your life...Maybe you could put some clothes on... that would be a great start." I hadn't noticed but he was completely butt naked, Alex stepped back to let me in "Are you sure, his big white ass is kinda scary?" He quickly ushered me upstairs to his bedroom before threatening Aaron with death if he didn't cover up now.
His room was pretty much what I expected it to be, a mish mash of U2 posters, pieces of strewn paper, boxer shorts and t-shirts, "Sorry" He mumbled blushing while grabbing up lost underwear and shoving it into the washing basket, something caught my eye "The heathens" I mumbled almost shocked, he stood behind me "They were great...once" I nodded "Are you a big fan?" He wrinkled his nose, "Its more interesting to look at the background then listen to the music" I had a feeling i knew what was coming next "I mean look at Tony Clash, you have to ask yourself why?, why the hell would he just get up one morning and dissapear off the face of the planet?" I had to take a deep breath and compose myself, "Why do you think he dissapeared?" He shrugged his shoulders "God knows,Why does anyone disspear? if its not by choice then something must have happened on the way to Germany musn't it?" I nodded, before watching Alex disspear off to the bathroom I suddenly felt like that three year old yet again, Just needing someone to tell me everything was going to be alright, they'd said it then, I could still remember the smell of My moms coat as he held me so tight making promises she knew she'd never be able to keep, How could they tell me it would be right if they didn't know what went wrong?
"Are you ok?" I was brought back to reality by Alex's voice as he came in and sat on the bed freshly dressed, "I'm fine" He pulled me up off the bed "We have to get out of here, its saturday or in my mad house "shopping day", So we have to escape quick before Debbie ropes us into going to the Mall" He sneaked down the stairs soflty aware of all the creaky floorboards and just as he thought he was home clear "ALEXANDER MAXIMILLIAN BAND!" He turned slowly with his eyes closed and teeth gritted, he opened one eye to see his step mother with her hands on her hips "And where exactly do you think you were going?" He looked up and grinned "Out?" He mumbled questioningly "You know exactly what day it is...And you know what that means?" He nodded "Shopping?" and that was it...Debbie Band's iron fist won.
Before I knew it I was stuck in the Back of a Mitibishi Shogun between Alex and his two brothers Harlan and Zalman who did nothing but stare at me and whisper to each other for the whole god damn journey, "How comes taryn got to stay at home?" She glared at Alex "Cause I said so!" And he didn't speak for the next twenty minutes incase she gave him the look again.
The Mall was packed to the brim with people, mainly bored teenagers trying to find something to do with their free afternoon, a few from school I didn't know and if Alex did he ignored them anyway, I suddenly knew why Alex hated the mall and would do anything in his power to avoid it.
She would be here...Adrienne.
He spent the entire time looking over his shoulder, he tried to pretend he wasn't but the slightest hint of a female laugh and he turned round the same look of torture in his eyes, "Guys" I pulled Harlan and Zalman to one side "Where can we go, Burger bar...anywhere?" The two boys smiled craftily "You paying?" I nodded "Where are we going?" They each took one of my hands and dragged me off Alex mouthed "Where you going? I shrugged my shoulders, I had no idea.
The Ice Cream parlour like the rest of the Mall was packed as they dragged me into the queue making demands, I glanced over to the noisiest tables and hid behind Harlan, Cane was there with quite possibly half the school and what I knew had to be Adrienne.
"Who's that?" Zalman asked tugging my sleeve as I ducked down to their height "Someone your brother and I would rather not have to speak to" Zalman just nodded "Ok" the wait to get to the front of the queue was painfully long, till finally "Hello what would you like?" I stood up my back making a painful click "Uh.." I couldn't think as my eyes kept darting over to the table praying he didn't see me, Harlan answered for me thank god, "I will have...a...Twin caramel scoop, with sprinkles and chocolate buttons" Zalman stood for so long looking at the board I could actually feel myself ageing, "I will have...a....." I nudged him "Hurry up?" He finally took a deep breath and hurtled an order "Triple Cookie dough, fudge and Strawberry cone with sprinkles, buttons and chocolate sauce, He was so small how the hell was he gonna eat something that large? I just winced as she grinned "That'll be twelve dollars, Seventy three cents" I knew that was kinda steep for an ice cream but I would have sold my soul to the devil to get out of there quicker, and just as I thought I was free..."Karan?" I felt my heart sink, I couldn't even open my eyes, as I spun round and put on possibly the best smile of my life, "Cane!" I came over and tried to make my excuses as He introuduced me to the whole table, "And this is Adrienne" He winked at me, As If I should just join in the Alex Bashing now.
Harlan nudged Zalman in the ribs and came over, "Oh aren't they cute?" She sighed running a hand over Harlans fair hair, "I have to be going" I stuttered, And then I knew exactly who was standing behind me as everyones noses wrinkled in disgust, If I'd have known Alex was coming I'd have warned him not to come over but as Cane eyed me scornfully I knew it was make or break time, I was either embarresed to be with Alex or I made a stand, "Hey thats her!" Zalman exclaimed loudly "That bitch!" Harlan screamed I didn't know who had taught him language at school but they did a great job, Alex tried to cover the boys mouths but they kicked up a major fuss "She got my brother beat up!" Everything kinda went in slow motion "No you don't understand..." She begun I had the distinct feeling neither of the tiny terrors really cared, "Shut up!" Harlan hissed and threw his ice cream at her, and to say the least white on a summer day and caramel with sprinkles and chocolate buttons wasn't the best fashion statement...
I grabbed Zalman round the waist and Alex grabbed Harlan but they were still screaming abuse as we tried to get them outside, Cane stood up as Alex left, "GOOD RIDDENCE TO BAD RUBBISH!" i had a feeling that may have been aimed at me too, and as I looked Zalman in the eye we shared an idea he also ran a lot faster then me, "Don't talk about my brother like that!" He kicked him in the shin and as he leant down a punch in the face that instantly smashed his glasses, The kid was vicious and you had to give him points for that alone, I pulled the little beast into my arms with a laugh "Oh yeah princess, you'd better get some baking soda on that it stains" She just glared at me "You keep that little bastard away from me" I could have ripped her head clean off her shoulders "Oh yeah and if you really do wanna be prom queen I suggest you tone down the make up, Cause you look more my little pony then barbie, Oh yeah and I think you need a little blush" My hand just lashed out across her cheek leaving a burning red patch, I saw Alex's shocked face, "Thats better" It was one of the easiest things to do as I walked out With Zalman laughing his head off.
"What the hell?" Debbie laughed as we emerged into the parking lot where she was waiting, I didn't know what she was talking about at first then I looked at the two boys covered In ice cream and coke, Alex even had pink gloop in his hair And I just looked a complete state, everything I was wearing was covered in ice cream and blood, And we did what you had to do...Laugh...I laughed so much I begun to cry, we all ended up with the hiccups and ice cream all over the car.
"I still can't believe that happened" Alex laughed slightly cleaner then he had been earlier,"Yeah but it was fun though" I laughed laying down on the grass looking up at the full white moon every miniscule white star dancing in the inky blue sky, "Are you sure you did the right thing?" He said softly laying beside me, "What do you mean?" He sat up leaning his head on his hand "You can never go back to being normal now...You gonna be just like me...Outkasted" I nodded "I've never been normal anyway" he laughed and put his hand in mine "We can be weirdos together" and that was the one word I liked...together.
Chapter 6~*
The sound of his footsteps were barely audiable as he soflty opened the door, "Are you asleep?" He whispered, I pulled back the sheets to let him get in his body against mine, I'd slept at Alex's now every saturday for the last year and without fail he'd come up and get in bed with me, I was like a human comfort blanket as he fell asleep in my arms but I could never sleep, I'd just watch his face as he slept taking in all his features, I'd known him for nearly two years now and I'd always find some tiny freckle or mark I'd missed there was always something new, If only he knew everything about me.
No matter who I pretended to be, I was always going to Be Toni Clash and the longer I tried to hide it the more painful it became, things were settled now and I couldn't take the risk of having to move across the country again couldn't be parted from Alex...
"Morning" I had no idea what time it was, Or why he was awake but he lay for a while watching me doing exactly what I'd done to him for the past hours, "You have a freckle" He smiled I nodded "I know, I have lots of freckles" He put his finger on the end of my nose "Right there" I poked him in the ribs, "Leave my nose alone!" and yet again I put it to the back of my mind, there would be another time to tell him...just not now, not yet...just a bit longer...
Everytime I had the chance I put it off, a bit longer became a lot longer, from the original days, to weeks and months, eventually years...
Before I realised it I was grown up, I was an adult, the world we'd lived in was gone, Soon the school safety net would be gone too, I had a responibility now to tell him, this was my life and If I felt the way I thought I felt about Alex I had to do it...there wouldn't be another chance.
"Hi" His face was completely covered by the yellowy blond mop of hair, he ran a hand over to see me "Hi, come in just jammin" The garage was silent,probably had been for sometime, the sound of Aaron and Taryn laughing from inside, and my mouth became dry words became impossible,
I leant against his dads car, "I haven't always been honest with you..." Alex rested his fender guitar against his chair "In what way?" My brain hurt, I had planned this conversation a million times over the past three years, But it would never be easy I knew but now it was heart rendingly painful,
"About my past" I could see his mind whirring with all the possible outcomes of this conversation, "My name isn't Karan...its...its...toni" He looked confused "Why would you lie about your name?" I closed my eyes tight to concentrate "My name is Toni Clash" His mouth fell open whether in disbelief or not I wasn't sure but he put a hand over his mouth "So that bull you fed me about your dad bein' in the army..." I nodded "It isn't true, when I moved here I had to keep quiet or we would have had to move again before some god damn reporter came looking for us" He stood up and pulled me into his arms as I finally managed to let go "I'm sorry I just...I couldn't risk losing you" his smile reassured me, "You'll never lose me, I'm unmistakeable" He grinned looking at his acid lemon hair "You would have never lost me anyway" Then he clamped his hand to his mouth again "That stuff I said...In my room" I remembered us having a conversation about my dad a while ago, "I'm sorry" I laughed "Why are you bothered now...thats exactly what I mean, If you had have known You would have pretended...I can't handle that" He nodded trying to get his head round it all "What do I call you now" I took him by the hand "Karan, I am Karan" He nodded and I couldn't remember why I didn't want to tell him in the first place...
Chapter 7~*
The door creaked open softly, I pulled back the sheets to let Alex in he put his arms round me softly almost calmingly, The feeling of having his breath on my face But I had to ask him just one question.
"What do you think of me now? Do you still trust me?" He smiled at me before leaning up on one elbow his fingers ran lightly down the side of my face he toyed with a strand of my hair "You might have a different name now, But you will always be the same person to me, The Intelligent, charming creature that you are" I felt something in my stomach give way as if a volcano were about to explode I felt giddy, butterflies everywhere His face was so close I could almost feel his skin against mine "You were there when I needed you, You trusted me when no one else did, you loved me when no one would" His lips brushed against mine and as with most teenage crushes We became savages tearing at each others clothes with such verocity they just buckled and shredded as we fell to the floor, I never asked If he loved me too, I didn't want to know the answer didn't care what it was either, I just needed Alex, had waited so long I thought If I didn't I'd die and as I lay there on the floor my head on his chest I was filled with such ecstasy I could almost believe I'd died and already gone to heaven and Alex my Angel...
For the whole weekend I saw nothing more then the four walls of Alex's bedroom, everyone knew to keep clear when we were together, and I wished that those few remaining days of school wouldn't happen and then I could run free and tell the world I didn't give a shit anymore but someone beat me to it...
The long corridors were silent as I walked along, the same small spring in my step and he was by my side, and as usual all eyes were on me, but now for all the wrong reasons, Groups were reading the local newspaper my photo on the front page for all to see and I felt my heart sink as I looked at Alex, He was the only person who knew...and he'd betrayed me.
By the time I left alone that after noon Reporters were everywhere, I hidden for three years escaped this and now I was back at square one the vulnerable little girl tormented by the Tony Clash stigma, "Toni...Its Sixteen years soon how do you feel?" I almost wanted to hit this guy for asking possibly the most stupid question ever, and I snapped maybe I shouldn't but I did...
"How the hell do you think I feel?" I screamed "Its hard enough to live my life without you fucks following me around...My dads probably dead...And even now you won't let him or me and my mother rest...Just go away" Tears were streaming down my face as I carried on walking and yet they still followed I could hear the click of lenses "Karan!" Alex was there yet again "Who told them?" I pushed him away for the first time in my life, "I don't know" He whispered trying to get near me but he would never again...
"I let you know...and now they do too...It dosen't add up does it?" His eyes showed the hurt I'd inflicted "You think I did this to you?" deep down I knew he wouldn't have but he was the only one who had known, and If it wasn't him who was it?
"Look right now I don't know whats going on, just stay away from me for a while ok?" and I left him there on the curb...and for the first time I saw him cry.
Chapter 8~*
The boxes were filled again, Dark glasses down over my face, were I was going I didn't know or care but I hadn't stopped crying for days, My face ached from sobbing not because of the hurt but because of the fact I loved him more then that...I loved him so much It hurt, and as they banged in the "For Sale" Sign into the ground It pierced my heart and it bled for him, The letters I had from him over the years like salt to an open wound the tape of song he made for me but now it was too late, soon I would be gone yet again...I still didn't know where or when I'd get there but wherever I would be It would be a better place...
As I closed the door for the last time I noticed a letter under the mat it might have been there for hours, it could have been there days but it had Alex's handwriting, "Just get in the car, you can read it when you get there" I still had no idea where it was maybe Florida again or Salt Lake city maybe Canada even but the letter sat on the dash board all night until we pulled up at a motel I sat in the car to read it by myself a tape fell out, I guessed Alex's way of saying goodbye....And as his voice flooded the car I had a sick feeling the piece of paper just said goodbye, but his voice I could hear it, he was crying so hard He could barely speak but he pulled himself together quickly and spoke so softly I could have died...
"Hi, Kaz Alex here, I don't know if you'll ever hear this tape or not if you don't you hear something about me soon, I just needed to talk to you, I haven't heard your voice in so long...I imagine you and for a few seconds think you're there then I forget and I cry, I wish you'd listened to me, I wouldn't have ever hurt you I'd have died for you...The tears ran down my face like fire burning my eyes as he spoke, I could hear the sound of him crying, a bottle smashing "You know how they say alchahol Is supposed to numb the pain?, Well...it dosen't seem to be working, that was my third bottle of Vodka and yet I ache, I hurt so much, I feel like I'm dying...I'm sorry for whatever I did, Even If I didn't do it I'm still sorry, I need you so much, But that will never be so I have decided to do something for us...I need you to just do one thing for me...Can you play our song at my funeral?"
My blood ran cold as he began to sob again "I love you so much, please don't hate me...Goodbye, I will see you again one day" My cell phone shook in my hand as I dialled Alex's house number, it rang and rang but no answer Aarons cell was off, then I spotted the car keys on the seat, It wasn't legal but Alex needed Me I just prayed I wasn't too late, As I drove random images ran through my head like a macabre slidshow, That day at school, being out on the playing field, the mall, In the garage and that day...When he'd kissed me and I knew it was real, and now I'd thrown it all away, For the first time in my life I prayed I begged Jesus to give me one last chance to love Alex Band again...
Chapter 9~*
It took three painfully slow hours to get back into California and as I pulled up to the house, My heart was in my throat all the lights were off and there seemed to be no sign of life at all My fist slammed against the door a thousand times trying to break the glass, I heard Aaron drive up behind me as I frantically tried to get to Alex, "What the hell are you doin'" I turned to him "Why isn't your cell on?" He shrugged "Taryn and Me were having dinner...No one ever.." I broke down "Well I did and it might have been the only time You ever needed it" I had to think "Was Alex in when you left?" He nodded quickly sliding his key into the lock "How was he, was he upset?" Aaron shrugged "A little uptight I guess?" I ran up the stairs to Alex's bedroom And pushed the door, screamed to Aaron for help he pushed the door but it had been baracaded from the inside I knew already why it was closed and my heart just broke there and then it was so intense like nothing I'd ever felt before like a knife stabbing me over and over as finally Aaron hit the door with a axe from outside shattering it to a million pieces and we stopped in out tracks...Alex was lying on the bed as white as Snow a empty bottle of vodka by his side, empty pill bottles everywhere I knew just by looking he'd taken well over a hundred, And I knew he was dead but he was so beautiful sleeping like a perfected china doll I put two fingers to his neck nothing, his wrist nothing his hands were stiff, he'd been dead for hours and it was because of me...If I'd have just trusted him He'd still have been here now...but it was too late as I kissed him for the last time his lips cold and bruised, I didn't want to let the Paramedics take him, but I couldn't stop them either, I'd lost control of my life and everything in it because I lost my faith...
The flowers were shaped into his name as the principal read his eulogy to Alex describing him as "A great scholar and a great student" He made me sick had done nothing but chastise Alex when he was Alive and thought that a bit of Bull shit would make that up to him now he was dead...I don't think so.
I listened to Many students who had caused him nothing but trouble and heartache in life make him out to be some kind of saint and as Adrienne took the microphone I finally broke and went up on stage, "Why are you all here today?" Many actually looked kind of confused themselves "As for you, I don't know why It was him and not you?" She looked almost smug "You know what Alex thought of you?" I pushed play on a tape player it was his album he had made for me, we had our song but this was used to get her out of his system and as I listened to her it got her out of mine.
As it ended I looked out on the sea of silent faces "How dare you all sit here today and make yourselves try to feel better!" I took a deep breath "Do any of you even have the first idea about Who Alex Band was?, the answer is no,it was you who turned you backs on him,treated him like an animal, He lead his life stigmatized, was sentenced without trial, because he was different...And yes he was, Alex Max Band was the most amazing person I have ever had the fortune to meet, He was the kind of person who lights up a room by just being in it and I loved him...but as I say this I can speak for him too...None of us will ever forget this day, do you know why?" Many looked around again shifting uncomfortbly "Because you feel responsible, and so you should and like me you can learn to live with that...but mark my words it will eat you inside out...and there is no forgivness...so sit round and tell yourselves you're good people,and with time it might get easier but believe me you will remeber Alex's name everyday,and you'll remeber where you were the night he died...Cause he's there And yes...He's a fuckin' ledgend" I took a single white rose from his name and walked down that aisle with eyes on me but I didn't care, And As I walked out I took a deep breath of fresh air and I swear I heard him laugh..
Chapter 10~*
The tiny hand swung inside mine as we walked along the path to the grave yard, the wet soil under our feet as he looked at me with pure blue innocence the bunch of flowers shaking in his hands, "Mommy where do I put these?" Max asked softly I placed them on the grave softly as I knelt down let Alexander sit on the stone surronding Alex's grave and I knew god had been smiling I had been given another chance to love Alex, in the form of a tiny blue eyed baby, He was in every way His father, but yet they had never met, But he was the reincarnation they were identicle in their strange ways I heard him sing, his voice so soft a faultless, "If I could, Then I would" He kept mumbling He'd heard it so many time I wasn't surprised, I listened as he spoke to the gravestone with Alex's picture as he always did, he'd run his hand over it and sing to him, telling him about school, and songs he liked, as if he knew for sure he could hear him, he had the faith in Alex i had once lost...but as We retraced our steps along the path, I swear he was there leaning against the large gate smiling, And Alexander had told me "That man looked just like daddy" So I knew the Angel was still there watching me, I missed him so much, I lost one rock star, and was so frightened of Losing the second I lost him too, most people don't have that in a lifetime
but as I looked at my little boy I knew this little rock star was forever, And alex was in the wind as it touched my face, the moon on a clear night, the sound of his voice forver in my memory, I knew he would be there as he told me once "Wherever you will go"...
As we walked away There was movement in the shadows, Tony Clash placed a rose on the grave beside his daughters, it had been such a long time, there would never be an explanation for what had happened all those years ago but he felt pride she had grown up so well,he held the rock star buried in such high regard took the place he had left so vacant and wiping a lonely tear he did what he had done then, dissapeared back into the shadows, left the legacy again and the inky night swallowed him,He'd lost his faith in the world a long time ago but he knew as long as he lived she'd never lost her faith in him...
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