Subject:  First Horoscope of the Year! |
Author:
Drake
|
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Date Posted: 15:38:45 01/03/03 Fri
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
This week proves to you that one needs to be careful about how drunk a person should get a New Years Eve party. That venereal disease is no longer secret, and word will eventually reach your mother's ear. No matter what anyone tells you, VD cannot be cured with steel wool and an anti-bacterial soap.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
How long are you going to pretend and tell neighbors that the injury caused to your fingers was the result of slamming them in a car door. It would ease your conscience to admit out loud, at least once, that you were nothing more than curious as to how the inside of garbage disposal unit worked while in operation. Spare everyone the falsehood.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Unlike humans, sheep cannot get professional psychiatric help... you sick bastard! Your crusade against virgin wool is never going to succeed. Even if you do attract some followers, the police will eventually stop the movement. You have ruined gyros sandwiches for an entire nation.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
It is unhealthy to be that attracted to Elizabeth Taylor.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Brave and stout of heart you may be, but do something about that wardrobe this year. Your efforts at revitalizing the terry cloth industry have been spotty at a best. Most people think you look like a giant, poorly tailored towel, and they fear you getting to near to their pools. Consider hiring someone to outfit... even if the person is blind.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Revenge is a dish best served cold. However, nothing can stop them from making multiple copies of the videotape. Cut your losses now before people in far off lands start emailing you for personal performances. You will not win $1,000,000 nor will you have agents beating down your door with contracts for you. That sort of act does not pay... except on rare, rare occasions - and they stars say now is not such an occasion.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Your mother wanted a girl. Your father wanted a boy. Nature gave them, in the form of you, a little from column A and a little from column B. Your gender was not determined by a long deliberation over what would best suit you in the long run, but by a flip of a coin... best 3 out of 5. Someone had to tell you. It explains the scar. Now you have a new year in front of you.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
If you pierce one more part of your body, disaster will befall you on a public bus. You will get an arm trapped out side the door with friends holding onto you. Then, zzzzziiiiippppp, your skin will come off like someone ripping stamps from a sheet. You have been warned!
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
The stars do not like you. They never have. All that is ever predicted is another series of gruesome deaths for you. Fortunately, the stars are not all that bright and maybe only a couple of times in the last fifteen years have they been really correct. Bum deal for you.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
If you buy that lottery ticket, you will win. If you win, you'll discover who in your family is willing to launch a frivolous lawsuit to get their hands on the money. If you go to court, you will loose. Your best bet is not to buy the lottery ticket at all. Is seven years of your life really worth $345,000,000?
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
JUST STOP PICKING IT FOR GOD'S SAKE!
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
A unique conjunction of stars and planets will provide you with an interesting surprise. Should you hear someone yell 'Duck!', follow the advice and don't simply turn around. You won't enjoy what happens, and no amount of corrective surgery can fix it. On the plus side, if you do decide to turn at the wrong moment, your life will eventually be featured as a Diz-knee cartoon in about one-hundred and fifty years. It will make people laugh. Thus, a lot of good can come out of this... for others, not necessarily you. Damn. Just ignore this prediction. It will be much better that way.
The Stars are Watching!
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
| |
Feedback: 
