Subject:  Your New Horoscope! |
Author:
Drake (The Seer)
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Date Posted: 23:47:31 01/09/03 Thu
Time for more well-wishing from the stars!
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Avoid any gifts given to you by a Cancer. They mean well, but they are not bright people. Venus recommends keeping a bottle of chloroform on hand so that you can escape an embarrassing situation and keep your medical bills manageable.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
It is a very simple concept: No matter how much he (or she) loves you, sneezing on his (or her) spaghetti is not going to endear you. The stars know you are slightly allergic to tomatoes, so just get the Alfredo dish. Of course, the sneeze will still happen, but the noodle dangling out of your will be something the both of you can laugh over for years to come.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Uranus is certain that your sense of humor will take you over that line. The nine-volt battery shorting out between you younger cousin’s braces may seem like a funny idea, but the reality will be much different. However, if you get them to hold popcorn kernels in the mouth, you can see a rather interesting affect.
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to ignore the decapitation. Next time you had better listen when the stars and the friends tell you not to stick your head out of the sunroof while in a moving car. There is just no telling how low a bridge really is until you reach it.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
This is not a good week to go creeping around the shrubs and bushes surrounding the home of the one with whom you are infatuated. With Pluto crossing through your fourth house and Mercury rising, it should tell you that the flash photography would be a dead give away in the middle of the night.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Dear Gemini, with your dual personality, never lose hope. Granted, some may call you schizophrenic, but the heavens know the truth. This will be a good time for you to talk loudly to yourself on elevators and on buses. It will guarantee you a solitary ride where you can openly debate with yourself (you nutcase).
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Well, giving your Capricorn grandmother that Thigh Master for Christmas was not such a good idea after all. The moon says that you should seriously reconsider the weight set you are planning on for her birthday. The old woman just cannot handle the stress like you can. Please, stop trying to encourage her to take up boxing: you will both end up looking foolish.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Neptune is in conjunction with Mars, so you should know the Velcro is going to tear your eyebrows off. The stars suggest you avoid the tanning booth for a while unless you really want to look like Whoopi Goldberg. It works for her, but not for you.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
It’s a sad fact that you make either a truly ugly woman or a grotesque looking man. Some people were just not made for cross-dressing. This will be a good week for you to sign up with the local community theater group so you can learn the wonders of make-up. It’s worth a shot.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Saturn warns you that vehicle repair just is not your thing. You also bought the wrong manual, and that explains why your brakes went out on the car. Fortunately, Saturn was watching over you, and the nuns are not going to press charges. Donate some money and talk in vague, hostile terms about supposed past interactions with priests. They will cut you some slack.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Now do you believe Taurus people simply are not good companions for you? The conversation about cannibalism, that will take place on Tuesday, should not be construed as a joke or a metaphor. This person means it! Just watch when this one licks the ketchup off your arm and leaves teeth marks.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Once again, the stars have it in for you. This week you can: A) fall to your death while shingling a roof, B) electrocute yourself while blow-drying your hair on the toilet, C) accidentally drown in your fish tank, or D) ignore the expiration date on the cottage cheese. When Libra is in ascendancy, you might be spared the worst pains of death, but that is a ways off.
The Stars Are Watching! (They were also keeping me awake with their incessant babbling).
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