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Date Posted: 18:33:02 02/03/00 Thu
Author: Mr. Phule
Subject: [Non-Canon NSSWOTA] HellHarpoon goes to work...

This is non-canon. I was bored.

In case you don't know what I mean by canon (that's canon, not cannon) I refer to the fact that I do not consider this to take place in the DoG setting. I was bored, felt like writin' it. This does not affect the NSSWOTA in any way, shape, or form...hence it is not canon.

Anyway....





HellHarpoon goes to work....

(A large number of personnel at the mall in impromptu battle dress sit in rows. Their leader, a man in riot uniform, or close to it, stands, paces, and lectures.)

Sergeant (real name Fred McIndoe): All right troops! You all know why you’re here! Today, we have a shipment of tactically important video’s coming into the store. This, is the face of your enemy! (he pulls down a security camera photo of HellHarpoon, zoomed into the face.) He must be stopped, no matter the cost, from entering the store. He’ll terrorise prospective buyers into buying films he considers classics, and chases anyone attempting to buy Dante’s Peak or Independence Day from the store with an axe. This is where we draw the line against the madness! Here and no further!

(A timid looking guy puts up his hand)

Sergeant: What is it Corporal?

Corporal: (real name Jeff Davies): Uh… Maybe he just won’t show up this time sir… He’s missed shipments in the past…

Sergeant: (brandishes riding-crop pointy thing at the Corporal) You FOOL! When its Nacho Day at the Food Hall?! He’ll be here… You’re task is to stop him entering the video store. Distract him with shiny objects, food, TV, anything you can think of. Failing that, fight him off. I’m not entirely sure HOW, but barricade the doors with something, only letting those FAILING to meet his description inside the store.

Sergeant: Any questions?

(There are none)

Sergeant: Fall out!

(The employees scatter)

(HellHarpoon wanders through the mall, looking for mischief or anything of interest. He’s carrying a container of extra spicy nachos with extra cheese, (his third helping) and although his movements appear to be random, they are generally moving in the direction of the video store.)

(The Sergeant watches him through toy binoculars as he nearly reaches the door, finishes the nachos, and pauses. He sees a mall clown several hundred meters away, and runs off to terrorise it.)

Sergeant: (whispers) Who’s bright idea was that! They’re getting a commodation…

Corporal: (whispers) That’s not us, Sarge…

Sergeant: What?! (he hears hysterical laughter and splashing sounds as the clown tries to escape by running through the fountain) Get that poor bastard combat pay…

(HellHarpoon watches the drenched clown flee into the distance, then turns back towards the video store.)

Sergeant: Ready people? CHAAAAARGE!

(The employees charge at HellHarpoon with fierce battlecries, the front two carrying a net. They wrap it around him and haul backwards, but only slow him down. The Sergeant has failed to notice one problem with using video store employees as soldiers; they’re all teenagers, mostly younger than HellHarpoon, and all smaller than him, and certainly not driven by fanatisicism.)

(Slowly but surely, he nears the door. Now he has one employee grabbing each ankle and being dragged behind him, as well as the ones holding the net, and one sitting on his shoulders forcing a paper bag over his head to blind him. He’s chewed his way out through the front so he can see, but the employee keeps rotating the bag so fresh sides cover his eyes.)

(In the background, a crowd begins to gather, watching the street theatre…)

Sergeant: That’s it people! Tie him down!

(With a herculanean effort, HellHarpoon continues to drag himself forward. The employee on his shoulders has run out of sides of the paper bag, so has resorted to covering his eyes with her hands. His arms are waving wildly as he tries to feel his way forward to the store.)

(The two employees holding his legs come up with a plan, both grabbing BOTH legs. HellHarpoon begins to fall. Things of height always seem to fall slowly, majestically… Although this effect isn’t usually spoilt by the object shouting “Ohhhhhh SHIIIIIIT!” as it falls.)

Sargeant: Quick! Finish him off!

(All the employees that he’d been holding in reserve run out like wasps and begin to attack the prone figure. A fire axe raises itself out of the seething mob, and embed the claw end into the ground. The arms and shoulders, the only things visible under the mob of people, tighten, as HellHarpoon drags himself towards his goal, repeatedly sinking the fireaxe into the ground as an anchor.)

Sergeant: Shut the doors! SHUT THE DOORS!

(Employees run forwards, shutting and locking the doors to the store as HellHarpoon nears it slowly. He eventually reaches the locked doors, and puts the fireaxe aside. Instead, he brings out a propane torch, feels his way to the lock, and starts burning through it.)

Sergeant: Fall back! Fall back from the doors! JUST STOP HIM REACHING THE COUNTER!

(HellHarpoon puts the torch aside, grabs the fireaxe again, and continues his progress towards the counter of the store. A quick thinking employee tips over a stand of The Sound of Music, Dante’s Peak, Independence Day and My Little Pony video’s, prompting a shrill scream of horror from beneath the pile of people, and forcing him to go the long way through the store rather than approach the satanic pile.)

(He slowly nears the counter, then begins to halt, exhausted. Through the mob, he see’s two posters behind the counter; Empire Records and the 5th Element, which seem to give him strength to go on. By now, the Sergeant is biting the rim of his hat in tension, sweat pouring down his face. He sees what is leading HellHarpoon on.)

Sergeant: SOMEONE GET RID OF THOSE POSTERS!

(Two employees run from the mob and tear the posters away, but the damage is done. HellHarpoon manages to get to the counter. He stands, with difficulty, puts a name tag onto his shirt, tidies his hair, checks in with the log, and then starts work. The Sergeant admits defeat, and turns to his soldiers.)

Sergeant: Next war meeting two days before he’s scheduled to work, same as usual…

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