| Subject: And furthermore... |
Author:
Darian
|
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Date Posted: 22:47:25 09/21/05 Wed
In reply to:
D
's message, "Re: Hey Mr. Zak Atlee-Fairfax" on 22:19:56 09/21/05 Wed
And while we're intellectually in the toilet, I've decided (while composing a suitable sugarmama wanted ad for Cheeky to speed up the whole broke and Canadian thang) that I'm tired of all the sweet, sexy, smart, funny, hot men who appear, love me unconditionally and force me to feel guilty when I crush them like stink bugs. Nice guys be gone! You will rue the day you sought me out. Well go on, start RUING!!!
Here's my new "guy code." Only suitable applicants with valid references need respond! Rules ae rules, boys! Don't hate the player.
__________________________________________________________
RADIO DIVA SEEKS SHITTY BOYFRIEND
I am looking for a terrible boyfriend for one week to restore my happiness in being single. Now that corporate America has drawn be back into it's evil, sterile clutches,(outside the delightful confines of my studio, of course)I find myself in large glass encased offices where 80% of my officemates are either married/engaged/or in a relationship. I was content to be single but now that I have been exposed to all these happy people in relationships, I'm starting to wonder if I need one too.
In my head and further south, (God bless the invention of the generator) I know I don't, but let's make this concrete with an experience. This is where you come in. I need you around for one week in the role of a bad boyfriend to renew my glee in being single.
My requirements of you:
-You are attractive. Sorry, but if this is to work out for me, you have to be a pretty boy who is nice to look at but a total dick otherwise.
-Be very needy. Call me several times a day, checking where I am, who I'm with, etc.
-Have poor or no manners. When we go out, I want you to not use your napkin, tip poorly or not at all, never open doors, that sort of thing.
-It would be nice if you have politically conservative leanings so we can get into fun arguments. You're stupid, obviously, so I ALWAYS get to win.
-Stare at other girls when we're out together. Bonus points for flirting with them. I care not and pity the poor wretch that winds up with you. SO... still winning.
-Don't listen when I talk, and interrupt me when you can. (Yeah, that one's more of a challenge.)
-Insist on driving us everywhere, but proceed to get so drunk that I have to drive your car or call a taxi.
-Wear ugly clothes, or at least clothing inappropriate for every occasion. AND NEVER WASH THEM! Ever!
-Have wildly inaccurate information and unfounded opinions. It is your mission that you are right about everything. Obviously I'll know better. YOU MUST BE LOUDER THAN ME. Not a task for the meek!
-Steal something of mine. I will set out one designated thing that you must steal from my house. You will steal this and nothing else. Of course, when I dump your ass, you will attempt to cash in on my celebrity by selling it on Ebay with a length of string you will swear came from one of my femine products!
-Don't be too upset when I end things after a week (and part of this deal is that I am the one to break things off). You know what you're getting into and do not form any untoward bond. There's no crying in Darianball!
After the week is up we can either be friends and laugh about this, or we can pretend that we've never met and ignore each other if we happen to meet in a public place. I'll probably do that either way so make your peace with it from the onset.
What do you get out of it?
At least 5 nights out in sunny Cali (you pay all, sorry.) One stolen item (of my choosing). A good story to tell people later. Satisfaction that you are also single. A chance to vent your spleen. A dissatisfying tryst for both of us. And by both of us...I mean just you. I enjoy other people's pain. Particularly when I inflict it.
You'd be a fool to pass up this opportunity!
Best of Luck,
Darian O'Toole
___________________________________________________________
Ok, dreamboys. BRINGGGGGG IT!!!
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
| |
Feedback: 