While Trespassing on Foreign Lands -- Unlikely Stories

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Date Posted: 14:10:09 11/09/03 Sun
Author: Jim Iholts
Subject: While Trespassing on Foreign Lands

WHILE TRESPASSING ON FOREIGN LANDS

You probably know the feeling as well as I do: You are walking along minding your own business, when an evil Ogre Master or Demon Higherarcher starts messing with you. The only saving grace is that for every Evil Force there is an equal and opposite Good Force. I believe some fellow named Newton postulated this, although I can't verify it. I only know I am assisted when I am assailed.
I was walking along Granite Mountain with two companions, Manchu and Steve. (His real name is Stevenazgar, but he hates it when anyone calls him that). As we descended a rather steep slope, evil El Es De Trippers nabbed us. Now, I don't know much about them, and when I asked my spiritual guide, he was strangely silent. But I do know they are nasty imps, and we fell square on our butts and started sliding.
As we slid faster and faster, expecting a horrible end, I heard a voice; a whispering, booming voice that asked, �Has anyone studied Physics?" I thought I was imagining things, when Steve asked, �Who is Physics?" Manchu, always the practical one, responded, �It is an obscure branch of knowledge. But who has time to waste on it?" I, however, have dabbled in the Sciences, and said, "I have."
�Quick," urged the voice, �What is the coefficient of static friction verses the coefficient of kinetic friction?"
�What is the coefficient of static friction verses the coefficient of kinetic friction?" I said out loud, unaware that only I had heard this last question.
�Nobody cares about friction, Hondo!" yelled Steve, �We're all gonna die!"
�But the voice," I stammered. "Didn't you hear it?"
�Don't bother me with stupid questions, Hondo," snapped Manchu. �I am preparing some magic, and I must concentrate."
Musing, I thought, �I can't remember those formulas. That was a long time ago."
�Think concepts," the voice intoned, �not formulas."
�Well, let me see," I pondered. �Kinetic friction has higher resistance to motion than does static friction..."
�Hey, guys!" I yelled. �Run as fast as you can!"
�Are you crazy?" shouted Steve. �Aren't we going fast enough?"
�It's our only hope!" I yelled, trying to stand and falling back down. �If we can run, then we can slow down and eventually stop!"
�And what happens if we can't?" asked Manchu.
�Then you three will become members of a Ternary Stellar System," said the voice. �According to Einstein's famous Theory of Relativity, E=MC squared, when mass approaches the velocity of light, its volume approaches infinity, and it converts to energy."
�Well, that's good enough reason for me!" shouted Manchu, who promptly got up and ran. Since he was a Ninja, he found this easy to do. To Steve's surprise, he started to slow down immediately. I finally got up and started running, and I too started to slow down. Convinced at last, Steve stood up and started running. Since he had been taking Ninja lessons from Manchu, he managed to do this quickly, and also started to slow down.
When all three of us had stopped, we were right at the rim of a huge chasm: the Edge of Nothing. �Whew! That was close!" exclaimed Steve. �There must be something to that Physics after all."
�When did you study Physics, Hondo?" asked Manchu.
�When I was in Greece, studying Music," I answered. �It seemed there was a reason why lute strings vibrated so harmoniously. When I asked the Music Master, he directed me to the Physics Master."
�So your music saved us from doom!" laughed Steve. �I never thought I would live to see that day I would say that!"
We all laughed, but in the back of our minds, we wondered where we were and what our next move would be. But for now, Helios was driving his steeds over the horizon, so we had no choice but to set up camp, grateful to be sleeping on the Edge of Nothing and not beyond it.

2001 Jim Iholts

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