Author:
KeithO and brother
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Date Posted: 19:15:53 04/27/03 Sun
Well Kyle Thomas was in town this weekend. I decided to celebrate by getting shit faced on Thursday.
This was heightened by the fact that I got out of work at midnight, sprinted home, took god knows how many shots of canadian mist, slammed a beer, and hit the bars.
Side Note: Everyone's 21st B-Day is fun. I know someday we'll go to people's weddings, like it'll be a phase of our lives, but no event will ever compare to the 21st B-day. It's fun everytime.
This side note was a precursor to the fact that we ran into a 21st B-Day party of four hot chicks. Only four I hear you say, I know I reply, but it was just those four girls. And they had been working really hard on the whole blurring your vision/drinking thing. We continued to get fucked up on the Thursday Bring your Own Mug upto 32 oz. and Fill it with Guiness for $2.
Then, Last Call or as I like to call it "Time When that Fucking Asshole won't Give me Anymore Liquor. I'll Fucking Kill you!" So, we took the B-day party on a little naked jaunt. So yes, you heard it here first, once again Keith O'Connor took off his clothes and ran with the cool breeze of the dark night. So after a little problem with shrinkage I realized people were only starring at the six naked women we were with and not my shrivaled penis. Well people were staring at Kash, but he was doing a naked, drunk handstand. Sometimes people need attention.
We ran. Oh we ran with the Virginia breeze. And we ran back, and we placed the clothes back on the body. A movement akin to oil and water, teaching us once drunk and naked one does not wish to be drunk and clothed.
Much to our good fortune a rather retarded gentleman brought two hellafine ladies to the steps of the Rotunda (the starting point of nudity). I drunkly asked the women when it was that we could see them naked. the brushed off my rather forward pursuit and settled in to a lame conversation regarding the improprieties they were about to engage in. The gentleman, referred to in the rest of the piece as Senior Dumbass, encouraged the women to NOT in fact take their clothes off. (Note: This chicks are hot!)
At this point Special K could no longer sit on the sidelines. With my ex-Marine Corp buddy Tom as my wingmate, we began berating Senior Dumbass. I then bartered with the hot chicks and settled on a deal that placed my clothes off my body once again in return for the same treatment for their beautiful bodies.
And god was that nice. Senior Dumbass at this point was too concerned with his flaccid penis to realize that if he stared a little more, the true man in him would come out. So we ran. Oh this was more of a jog, as the importance of viewing my new streaking friends was not lost upon me.
It is at this point when things got spicy. Where is Emeril when you reall need him? I spoted Charlottesville's finest as I crested the last hill. I decided this was the correct time to increase my speed from a light jog to a run for your fucking life it's the cops sprint. Alas all of my counterparts did not make this decision. My indian friend Viraj decided to stick it out, and watched the two girls and Senior Dumbass get arrested.
Moral of the Story: Don't do anything Keith O'Connor tells you to do when he is drunk.
That was Thursday.
Friday was another whopper. KT O'Connor arrives in the CVille and the party gets started immediately. A case of beer and a six were polished in two hours, thus it was time to talk to people while getting shit faced, called bars.
Waiting is the Hardest Part as Tom Petty and I will attest. Solution: Always buy Long Island's when you have to wait at the bar. 2 down, we left the bar to attend a private party.
The host greats us, with the obligatory "drink whatever you want." This was the first of many mistakes she would make. Our traveling party of Miguel, Keith, Kyle, Tom and his girlfriend, along with a very drunk and already there Kash then consumed a handle of Smirnoff. How was it full, when the Aristocrat was almost gone you ask? Well, I respond, it was stashed in their awesome liquor cabinent. We later drank all of their Irish Whiskey, and decided that we hadn't punished them enough, so we took their full bottle of Cognac.
Our excessive drinking is laudable. others thought so too. Remember boys, the only type of girl you want to associate with is the type that applauds your terrible addictions to alcohol and drugs. This is when we met Jenny. The girl I will never forget.
Now it's important to remember that in between all of our events here described, the leading actress Jenny was singing her chorus of the evening "What's Going On? I don't Know What's Going On."
Classy, I know, entertaining, you know it. So after telling Jenny she would be coming home with us I had a bit of a heart to heart with Miguel about the ease of taking advantage of this girl. He agreed and I moved into my good cop/bad cop routine with him.
Outside having a cigarette, Jenny told me she didn't know what was going on. I thought it quite obvious. She then told me how much she loved my brother. I thought this territorial expedition would be priceless. "He reminds me so much of my best friend, who just came out of the closet." So she understood ... DAMN! In bad cop form I responded, "Are you saying my brother is FUCKING GAY?" Hastily she withdraws. Noticeable upset with my response she makes up for in the only way Jenny knew how, she started making out with the bad cop. So much for pissing her off.
I realize it is still Miguel's ballgame and back off Jenny. She didn't know what was going on, but it did seem she knew how to make out with every straight guy in the room. That's right, notorious make-out slut Jenny then made out with Miguel, Yuri and Kash, in that order. Yippee Jenny, it's retarded girls like you that make me love the double standards in our society.
And who had sex with this woman? Of course we know ... Kash the now well-known rapist made his move. Some back history includes Kash's ex-girlfriend Alex is in town, the supposed love of his life, and his mistress Emily, who he cheated on Alex with, and his friend Greg (who was Emily's man at the time), was celebrating her 21st. He decided Jenny the make-out slut would be the one on this night.
However, I then engaged in the sole cock-block of my life. so all woman reading this can still stomach the thought of looking at me, I forced young naive Jenny out of the rapists' grasp and had her escorted home with Tom and his girlfriend Brie.
Moral of this story: Kash is a rapist. If you have girlfriend's, don't leave them around him. If you have daughter's, invest in a gun.
That was Friday.
Saturday was little more low key. We bought a bottle of Champagne, two cases of Natty, a 12 of Harps, a 12 of Schlitz, and a 12 of Red Dog bottles. We had whiskey on backup (you know, in case we ran out). Needless to say, we were drunk.
Yuri decided at this point in the evening to begin breaking all the bottles in front of our apt in the street. Kyle took this time to tell every girl who walked down that road that they had a hairy bush, and that they should get a Brazilian wax job for their hairy bush.
Suprisingly, I encounted Charlottesville's finest for the second time this weekend. Apparently breaking 30 some bottles (we had newcastle and star hill from the night before) in the road, is not well received by the po's. with broom in hand, kyle and yuri cleaned up their mess and we were done with it.
We then got incredibly stoned, sat back and listened to Coltrane. God it was great. Then everyone went to bed, and as I was going to my own golden slumber, I was stopped by Kash. He got high with me, and then explained how he was sexually attracted to my brother. (yes you can laugh here) He spoke of his behavioral changes, somewhat like being around a woman he said. I told him he was a creapy fuck and that he shouldn't have sex with my brother. So ...
Moral of the Story: Kash is the most sexually perverse rapist I've ever met. Well, only, but it's weird. I suggest chastity belts for all those visiting me in CVille anytime in the future.
Thanks for reading this,
tell me of your exploits motherfuckers
Love
Keith
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