| Subject: Gimli's Return |
Author:
Evilgrinch
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Date Posted: 21:59:07 02/05/03 Wed
*Heroic Dwarf Drags Problem Elf Back into Burning Building*
Gimli, son of Gloin, made the ultimate sacrifice for Middle Earth yesterday, as the fearless Dwarf, leaped into a flaming building to ensure the demise of an obnoxious elf. Legolas seemed about to escape a late-night blaze at the couple's suburban residence when the dwarf subdued the elf and dragged him back to his death as the wizards and hobbits he had tormented watched gratefully.
One, Gandalf the White, said that the fire began accidentally when the vat of oily rags stored in Legolas's closet was ignited by one of the candles used for light. At the first sign of smoke, Gandalf quickly ushered the rest of the fellowship, including Gimli to safety, where they agreed that "maybe it was a good time to let the blonde haired elf catch up on his sleep."
A tense silence fell on the gathering crowd when crashing debris woke Legolas, and he stumbled toward the door. As the others watched helplessly from the sidewalk, the elf struggled free of the burning debris.
Tragedy was avoided only when Gimli sprung from his father Gloin's arms to push the staggering, annoying elf back into the fire. According to firefighters' reports, the dwarf, was gnawing on Legolas charred flesh even as he was overcome by flames.
Witnesses described the elf's screams as typically obnoxious. "But actual death shut Legolas' mouth like no beating ever could," a thankful Elrond said.
He continued, "Legolas changed the life of everyone who knew him. I'll never forget it when he pulled my hair and called me a lesbian." Aragorn added, "He would call me that, too." Legolas was especially close to Gimli, said Frodo, "He would grip his beard and try to ride him down the stairs or sometimes trick him into licking his axe. It's that kind of thing that inspired him to do what he did."
Shortly after the fire was extinguished, the whole of middle earth gathered with relatives and a few close friends at a nearby nightclub to come to terms with Legolas death.
-Evilgrinch
PS-Special thanks to thespark.com. Gimli shall return from the dead soon.
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Aragorn and Gandalf are enjoying a drink to celebrate Legolas death, when Frodo bursts in.
Frodo: I have some bad news
Gandalf: Which is?
Frodo screams, and falls to the ground. An axe firmly embedded in the back of his neck. As he falls downwards, a shadowy figure is revealed behind him.
Aragorn: Who the hell are you?
To the shock and surprise of both the wizard and king, Gimli emerges, a look of anger and frustration on his bearded face.
Gimli: You're full of surprises Mr.Baggins...but not anymore.
Gimli uses the force, to pull his axe out of Frodo's neck. Gandalf isn't willing to make the mistakes he made earlier against the Balrog though, so quickly ignites his lightsabre.
Aragorn: Gimli! This can't be...you fell!!!
Gimli: What is with the word "fell", whenever someone dies in a Lord of the rings movie, they have to use the word "fell" everytime. Screw that word, I hate that word!!!
Gandalf: Lets get this over and done with.
Gandalf charges at Gimli with his sabre, ready to strike. Gimli calmly dodges the wizards attack, and pulls out a gun. With no hesitation, Gandalf drops his weapon and falls to his knees.
Gimli fires.
But instead of a bullet, Gandalf is shocked to find a liquid substance being squirted onto his face, dripping down onto his beard. He soon realises it is gasoline.
Gimli: You may have survived the fires of a demon, but consider this barbecue time you sonofabitch
Gimli strikes a match, and flicks it towards Gandalf. The wizard dives backwards in a pointless attempt at escape, but it is too late. His entire head explodes in flame, as the match hits his beard. He runs desperately back and fourth trying to find something to put the fire out, but within less then 10 seconds Gandalf is a smouldering pile of ash on the floor.
Aragorn: Thank God for that, I never really forgave him for that movie where he played the Nazi.
Gimli: You can't talk your way out of this one Aragorn, only one of us is leaving this room alive...
Legolas: MAKE THAT TWO OF US!
Legolas, a bloodied mess of burnt up elf staggers in with an arrow firmly pointed directly towards Aragorn's head.
Gimli: Legolas! But...you were dead.
Legolas: There's no such thing as death in films...haven't you seen Ghostbusters. Now we will get revenge on Aragorn
Aragorn: Excuse me, but wasn't it Gimli who dragged you back into the burning house.
Legolas: Maybe, but it was you who banished me and Sallah here into rubbish "comic relief" roles at Helms deep. You were busy kicking the living crap out of everything, whilst we were left with substandard roles having that rubbish competition. I'm a fun loving peaceful elf, I don't want to be forced into some murderous competiton with a midget. I want revenge...
Gimli: Lets get him brother
Aragorn uses the force to pull Gandalf's sabre from the wizards corpse. He ignites, and quickly deflects Legolas first arrow. He then swings at Gimli, narrowly missing his head.
Legolas soon has another arrow primed, and fires, hitting Aragorn in the chest.
Legolas: This ain't no Boromir incident Mr.Mortensen, you going down right now.
Gimli and Legolas both hack Aragorn to the ground. Then turn to face eachother.
Gimli: Are you sure you can really forgive me for dragging you back into that fire?
Legolas: Well, only because I love Raiders and Last Crusade so damn much Welsh boy.
Happy at the successes of the day, the two multi-species characters exit the nightclub...but then something shocking and science-fictiony happens that nobody suspects.
GIMLI AND LEGOLAS FALL INTO A WIERD PORTAL, LEADING THEM INTO FUTURE ADVENTURES IN VARIOUS WAITROSE/FILM SITUATIONS.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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As soon as the duo landed, Gimli realised his mistake. Though Aragorn may have ruined Helms Deep for him, at least he provided decent conversation, unlike Legolas. Gimli turned to face Legolas...in addition to being a bit of a tosser, the elf's stupid blonde wig was starting to seriously damage Gimli pychologically.
Legolas had no personality...all he did was take the piss out of Gimli's height throughout all of their joint adventures...and worst of all, Legolas was a better rolemodel for kids.
Legolas: Where do you think we are Gimli, son of Gloin?
Hearing the Elfs piecing, painfully bad delivery of his dialogue cut through Gimli like a hundred swords. The final nail in the coffin though.....LEGOLAS DID NOT HAVE A BEARD.
Gimli force pushed Legolas through the air, sending him smashing through a brick wall...(that was there for some reason). Legolas picked himself up, and whipped an arrow out, ready to make Gimli's day a lot worse, but Gimli did a backflip and dodged Legolas shot.
Legolas: Gimli! Why! After all our time together, why do you betray me?
Gimli: Once upon a time master elf, we were fighting together in Moria, when I clearly told you NOT THE BEARD. Consider this revenge, for even touching it...let alone almost ripping it out.
Legolas: But thats not a reason to ki......
Gimli swung his axe with all his strength, and Legolas head went rolling away down a hill...leaving a trail of silver blood on the way down.
Gimli: Who's the short one now.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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Proud of his witty one-liner, Gimli casually dropped his axe to the ground, and began looking around for anything that could show where he and his decapitated elf friend had landed. It was a lush, grassy area, with a few small buildings nearby...one of which, Gimli had pushed Legolas into a short while previously.
As Gimli examined his surroundings, a dozen policemen in full riot gear approached, with their batons ready to beat the hapless dwarf into submission.
They encircled him cautioustly, ready to pounce...but they were not quick enough for the clever young dwarf.
Gimli may have dropped his axe, but he had another...even better weapon on hand.
His lightsabre.
Gimli pulled the silver tube from his leather belt and held it in his two hands, ready and waiting. The police thought nothing of this silver tube the dwarf was carrying though, so continued their approach.
They regreted this though, seconds later, when one policemen found a white-hot laser slicing through his neck with great speed and accuracy.
The rest of the group charged, but no attack was too great for Gimli. He leaped into the air, sommersaulting and flipping from side to side like a bearded Yoda. The police scattered and ran for their lives, as Gimli shredded them with his sabre. Gimli fears nothing.
When the immediate threat from the police was over, Gimli pushed his sabre back into his belt and marched through the small town...directly into the graveyard.
Gimli: Time to undo the mistake I made.
Using a mixture of voodoo, amongst other stuff that is way too hard to explain Gimli ressurects Aragorn as a skelington (yes....i said skelington...the correct spelling, not skeleton)
Skelington Aragorn: I thought you hated me though Master Dwarf....you and that elf killed me?
Gimli: Yes...but now you are back....as a skelington...a skelington with a beard.
Skelington Aragorn: Good point
Gimli, Skelington Aragorn, Evilgrinch the wizard and Mr.Horse (Who now prefers Tango) run off into the sunset...
TO BE CONTINUED...
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how many thousands of posts has david written?!?!?!?!?
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