| Subject: Gimli vs Saruman |
Author:
Gimli
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Date Posted: 22:36:01 02/17/03 Mon
Gimli brushed the bits of rotted skankiness off his face, and marched proudly away from the cemetary. He appeared to be in a small town somewhere near Bristol, which despite its size should have had a much larger population then it did have.
As a matter of fact, the whole town was empty. The dwarf wondered slowly through the main street, looking around perplexed by the absence of civilisation.
Gimli: Where is everybody??
Obiwan: They are all dead.
Gimli looked to his side. Obi-wan's ghost was sitting on a wall, observing his actions.
Gimli: Ben! What is going on here, why is it so deserted???
Obiwan: When he destroyed you....Saruman proceeded to take over the world. He has rebuilt the death star....I, er, mean Waitrose.
Gimli: No!
Obiwan: Yes, he has re-built Waitrose, and has cloned a new army of Legolas to work there.
Gimli: A new army!!!
Obiwan: I am afraid so.
Gimli wiped the tears from his eyes, and began to walk away from Kenobi.
Obiwan: Where are you going?
Gimli: I must confront and destroy Saruman, Waitrose, and the new Legolas army.
Obiwan: You cannot do it alone Gimli, you will need help.
Gimli: Yes...and as always, I know who is still alive in the realm of science fiction and fantasy who may be able to help me.
Obiwan: Who?
Gimli: Well, its not strictly a person...but they may be able to help me.
Obiwan: WHO!!!
Gimli: Well...
Obiwan: Are you just trying to stretch out this conversation for as long as possible, because you can't actually think of anyone who can help you?
Gimli: Well, yeah.
Obiwan: Stupid son of a Gloin. I'm outta here.
Ben Kenobi's ghost vanished, leaving Gimli standing in the middle of nowhere alone.
Gimli: I guess its down to me then.
A WEEK LATER IN WAITROSE...
The Imperial March played constantly over the loud speakers. Hundreds of Legolas' constantly put new products on shelves. Hundreds more Legolas' worked, selling fish, meat, pie, cheese, pate, cake and iced bun.
Saruman walked contentedly amongst the aisles, pleased at his dramatic return to power. His lightsabre hung constantly from his belt. His staff may have been broken, but now Saruman was in posession of the ultimate jedi weapon....and only one man could stop him.
Saruman swiftly turned as an explosion blasted through the front of the supermarket, shattering the glass and sending the various Legolas' working on the tills, flying through the air, their hair all bloodied up and no longer blonde.
Gimli's motorcycle crashed through a portion of the wall, and came to an abrupt halt, next to the DVD's.
Gimli: Wouldn't want to damage them!
Gimli drove the motorbike past the service counters, firing his assult rifle as he drove, and turning many Legolas' into bloodied heaps on the floor. He then pulled his 8mm out of its holster, and pressed it against Saruman's head.
Saruman: Obi-wan has taught you well Master Dwarf.
Gimli: Obi-wan hasn't taught me nothing you evil intergalactic motherfu*ker. Gimli has taught himself!
Saruman: Well, good luck anyway.
Gimli: Good luck for what?
Saruman: Well, good luck for when you face me Master Dwarf.
Gimli: I'm not going to face you, this battle has already been won.
Saruman: I think not...a true warrior such as yourself would never kill me without a fight first. Its the honourable thing to do.
Gimli, inspired by Saruman's words, dropped his gun.
Saruman: Good, you are learning my young padawan.
Gimli: Stop with that padawan rubbish already! I hate that word, and I hate George for creating it.
Saruman took a step away from Gimli and drew his curved, red lightsabre.
Gimli: Now you're talking my language.
Gimli raised his green lightsabre, and moved forwards, in fighting stance.
Saruman: I see you have constructed a new lightsabre?
Gimli: I stole it off Yoda when I was on the otherside. I like the colour.
Saruman: Its a long story where mine came from, but sadly...you will never hear it.
Saruman used the force to send Gimli flying across the room and head first into the fish counter ice machine. Gimli yelled out for help, but he was stuck, and unable to do anything...even when Saruman came striding towards him, and sliced his hand clean off...which flew into the mincer.
Gimli: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
Saruman: Obi-wan never told you who your father was Gimli.
Gimli: My father is Gloin...I already know that.
Saruman: No Gimli....I am your father!
Gimli: No...thats not true, thats impossible!
Saruman: Search your feelings Gimli...you know it to be true!
Gimli: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Saruman: Join me son! Together we will control the galaxy. I have the power to return you to Middle-Earth...we will rule the world! We will be just like Sauron and his son, Sauron Junior, were before they were killed, a happy father and son unit.
Gimli: NOOOO! THIS CAN'T BE TRUE.....TELL ME FATHER, WHO IS MY MOTHER????
Saruman: Your mother....she is...
Jan entered the room.
Jan: Hi son!
Gimli: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
TO BE CONTINUED....
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