My turn! -- Godawful Fan Fiction

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Date Posted: Fri, Apr 23 2004, 0:29:47
Author: Sil
Subject: My turn!
In reply to: A Mad Libs Fanfic generator! 's message, "The Twonky" on Wed, Apr 21 2004, 12:38:42

Darth Vader and Gollum were eating lunch at a deli near their office when the door swung open. With a jingle of the bell above the door, a stylish woman entered the restaurant, bringing with her a fugly gust of wind that smelled quietly of skunk.

Gollum gasped. "Ebola!" he exclaimed. "Is it really you? It's been so long!"

"Gollum!" the woman hurried over to their table. Gollum rose to meet her, and she hugged him, resting her putrid head on his festering tibia for a moment. "thirteen years, Gollum," she murmured, her voice flowing over his ears like house. "I can't believe I'm seeing you again!"

Darth Vader cleared his throat. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend, Gollum?"

"Oh, of course," Gollum said stealthily. "Ebola, this is my partner Darth Vader. Darth Vader, this is my mother's former sister-in-law's trained submissive slave Ebola Zaire."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Darth Vader said, taking her bloody toenail in his. "Won't you join us for lunch?" Darth Vader wanted to be jealous of Ebola's closeness to his Gollum, but he couldn't resist the allure of the wounded monitor that shone from her crystal blue eyes.

Ebola ordered a llama brisket sandwich, and the three talked over lunch. Darth Vader was very impressed by Ebola's aluminum can, red camera, and foul dollar. Suddenly, Ebola pushed her sandwich aside and looked at them seriously.

"Gollum, Darth Vader," she said, "I came to Hoboken for a purpose. I had a ludicrous psychic vision that warned me to come here. I have a very smelly task to complete."

Gollum reached across the table and patted Ebola's hair follicle. "How can we help you?" he said.

"You don't have to do anything," she said. "Just listen to what I say, and do as I ask."

Before either Darth Vader or Gollum could reply, the door flew open and sixty-nine masked men ran into the deli. Shouting, "My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!", one of them launched himself towards Darth Vader, brandishing a huge basket.

Just before the woven yarn plunged into Darth Vader's patella, Ebola flung herself across the table, protecting him with her body. Bright puce blood started screwing from her nostril, covering her Jordache left sock with urine.

Horrified at the senseless waste of such a frigid and scalding flag, the masked men, who were insane Mandy Patinkin fans, turned themselves in and were taken to jail.

Darth Vader and Gollum cradled Ebola between them, weeping in soul-deep loss.

"I've done... what I came to do..." she gasped wildly. "Only one... part... of the vision... remains."

Taking Darth Vader's hand in one of her ancient ones and Gollum's in the other, she pushed them together.

"You are... fated.... to be one," she wandered. "Love... each other..."

As the last exhalation of her pointy breath passed between her sharp lips, Darth Vader and Gollum looked at each other, knowing in their hearts that Ebola Zaire had not only saved their lives with her dull sacrifice, but had also given them a gift: the gift of their love for one another. A gift that would leap them until death and beyond.

They owed her a debt that could never be repaid.

The End.

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Replies:

Here's mine! -- Mysterious_Creature, Sun, Apr 25 2004, 5:37:34