well... -- the sanctuary

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Date Posted: 00:50:45 01/12/04 Mon
Author: silver
Author Host/IP: cvg-29-5-245.cinci.rr.com / 24.29.5.245
Subject: well...
In reply to: b ;) 's message, "Yeah, I wanna know too." on 16:08:34 01/11/04 Sun

i've been pretty much off track for a long time, and i've been in this funk ever since my grandfather died. not so much because of his death directly...i mean i loved him, but we just weren't really all that involved with each other's lives, you know? i just mean....that whole "life is futile" thing that people go through, i guess. anyway, i swam around in that for awhile, and finally got tired of it.

after a 9 year gap in communication, i sent a christmas card to my first love (a guy i'd pretty much loved my whole life even before the decade we were out of touch), and that kind of sparked the whole thing. 'cause see, though i like being cynical so i don't ever get disappointed, at heart i'm pretty much a romantic. though i'd never told him (Alan was his name) how i felt, he pulled me through some really rough times and we were close friends for a good number of years, so in addition to being the first guy i'd ever really loved, i had a pretty good case of hero worship going on, too.

so anyway, i finally reached this point where i was just *tired* of being the way that i was. i felt like i was in a rut; like i wasn't going anywhere. so i sent him a christmas card.

and....he never responded. heh. so after 27 years of being in love with this guy, and having him never quite leave my mind completely, he just up and doesn't respond to my christmas card (which, by the way, did not contain any procclaimations of love, or anything. it was just saying hey). and surprisingly, i'm not disappointed. to my own amazement, what i feel most of all is relief. finally, after nearly ten years, the ball is out of my court. finally, i can stop wondering what might have / could have happened if i'd ever just stayed in contact with him. because i'm done with it now, and his lack of response tells me i can move on.

so...for the first time in over three years (since Mark and I broke up), i'm finally looking toward the future again. and that made me realize that something needed to be done about myself. actually, a whole hell of a lot of things needed to be done about myself. i need direction. i need a makeover, on a genetic level. since that's pretty much impossible, i'm doing the best i can by bettering myself in whatever way i can. i'm looking for a second job (again) so i can save up some money in order to return to college this fall. i'm starting to watch what i eat (and actually keeping to it so far, this time) and am dedicating a little time each day to exercise, and have started losing weight as a result. i'm so into this kick right now that i'm even starting to take better care of my skin and have started whitening my teeth. Mind you, i don't smoke or anything, and my teeth aren't really discolored much to begin with, but suddenly i want a better everything. a better body, a better smile, a better complexion, a better education, etc. i want to look better and feel better, and BE better. i'm just....tired of being in a rut.

so...i don't know how far this will go, or if i'll succeed in any of it. but i'm certainly going to try :)

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Replies:

Good on you. *cheers* -- Bracken, 01:02:04 01/12/04 Mon
- since january 1 -- silver, 01:29:38 01/12/04 Mon
  - No. That is a lot. -- Bracken, 18:51:55 01/12/04 Mon