| Subject: This I Offer 15/20 |
Author:
Athena4
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Date Posted: 17:24:35 03/09/02 Sat
In reply to:
Athena4
's message, "This I Offer" on 14:58:36 03/03/02 Sun
As Paul paced the floor of Madeline’s quarters, he marvelled at his good fortune. Adrian’s call to Centre couldn’t have come at a better time. Minutes before Madeline’s team pulled into Van Access, Adrian had been called away – delaying the debrief that would have revealed his survival.
He hadn’t wanted Adrian to tell her. He was certain she would have taken advantage of the revelation, used it to test Madeline’s resolve. And he knew, probably better than Adrian, exactly how difficult it would be for Madeline to maintain her exterior serenity if his existence were exposed in that manner.
They’d been damned lucky.
As he completed another circuit of the room, he heard the exterior door slide open, and the bang of an overnight bag being tossed to the floor. He waited for the sound of her footfalls on the carpet before turning on a lamp, choosing to stay in the shadows until he was sure they were alone.
The sudden illumination didn’t jar her at all. She stepped backwards into the foyer, out of the line of potential danger, and surveyed the room. He held his breath as her eyes turned his way, her body tensing visibly as his shadow entered her field of vision. Her target acquired, Madeline stepped further into the room, pulling her weapon as she turned his way.
“Who are you?” she asked tersely, her voice and stance leaving no question as to the consequences a wrong answer would bring.
Paul watched her silently for a moment before stepping out from the shadows, his hands up in a gesture of peace. “It’s me,” he said quietly, moving slowly into a pool of light. No other words were necessary. As he stepped forward, he could see her body weaken. Her tense stance deteriorated swiftly, her gun arm falling to her side.
“Paul?” she whispered, her voice tight. He could see her struggling to remain standing, her knees almost giving way from the shock. He strode quickly towards her, taking the gun from her hand and placing it on the side table. Then, grasping her elbow gently, he waited until she was steady on her feet, placing a tentative hand on the side of her face. “It is you…” she breathed, bringing her hand up to touch his arm. “You’re alive. How…” she paused, and Paul watched the emotions play across her face. She didn't need him to answer the question. She knew.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, stroking her cheek with his hand. “I didn’t want…”
As suddenly as she’d come apart, Madeline pulled herself back together. Paul watched as her body tensed, her face steeling itself against all emotion. “There’s nothing you could have done,” she said easily - too easily. “Adrian and I discussed the possibility… I should have known the truth.”
“Madeline…” Paul began, struggling to keep his grip on her arm, as she fought to pull it away. “Don’t do this.”
“Do what?” Her arm now free, she took several steps backwards, her arms clasped across her chest, her eyes meeting his with a painfully hollow stare. “There’s nothing you could have done. She even lied to Martin.”
“You’re pulling away, shutting me out,” he accused, meeting her glare with one of his own. ”Why?”
“I’m not – “ she stopped, looking away for a moment before meeting his eyes even more fiercely. “You weren’t there. You don’t know.”
“So tell me.” He softened his tone, hoping to draw her out, knowing if he remained defensive, she would react in turn. “What are you so afraid of?”
Madeline didn’t respond, but some of the fierceness went out of her eyes, replaced with resignation. Paul sat back against the arm of the couch, watching her reactions carefully for any hint of what she might truly be feeling. Her attention drifted to a spot on the far wall, her arms tightening across her chest in a protective gesture.
It was all so familiar.
“Madeline?” he called softly, pulling her attention back towards him. He could see the pain in her eyes, the pain that he knew would drive the barriers up once again. “Please…”
“What is it you’d like me to say?” she began, her tone casual, her arms dropped to her sides. “That I’m afraid of you? Of us?” She paused, her face and eyes becoming steel to match her tone. “Or perhaps that I was right all along; that this is a mistake, and always has been?”
Paul flinched as if struck, his fists clenching. He should have expected this. It was just another part of the sick dance between them. For every step forward, Madeline took two back. That was the way it had always been. But this time, he’d hoped it would be different. He’d truly thought that discovering he was alive would weaken any barriers she’d put up during the Ryker mission. That healing would be easier, rather than more difficult.
It seemed he’d been wrong.
“You don’t mean that.” He struggled to keep his tone even, to keep the anger out of his voice. As they stood in silence once again, Madeline’s face never changed, but to his eyes, her steely exterior seemed to be forming a rough barrier.
He wouldn’t let it happen.
“You’re letting her win,” he said, standing and taking a few steps in her direction. She remained motionless, her eyes following his every movement. “You’re giving Adrian what she wants.”
“This has nothing to do with Adrian.” Her voice faltered, just a little – just enough for him to pursue.
“Then what does it have to do with?” he implored, this time reaching out to take one of her hands. She resisted, but he held tightly. “Tell me.”
“I can’t,” she whispered, her voice less hard then before, her eyes turning away. With his other hand, Paul reached out to cup her face, turning her back towards his eyes.
“You can’t tell me?”
“No. I can’t do this anymore,” she continued, stepping backwards out of his grip. He let his hand slip away from her face, but kept contact with her hand, unwilling to let her go. “I can’t – “
“What’s changed?” he asked desperately, keeping a firm grip on her hand. “What happened at Ryker’s?”
“Aside from the obvious, you mean?” Madeline said, a hint of cruelty in her voice. She paused a moment, then looked away, an embarrassed blush creeping along her cheeks.
“Is that what this is about? The mission?”
“Ye – No, not completely. It’s more than that.” She stepped away again, and this time he let go of her hand, letting her walk away. He returned to his perch on the couch, waiting for her to continue. “I know now how much you can hurt me, without even trying.”
Paul looked on in confusion as she seated herself on the edge of her desk. As she met his eyes, she sighed once, deeply, before continuing. “I meant what I said all those months ago, Paul. I don’t care about my life. It means nothing. I could have died on that mission with Ryker – one little slip and I would have been just another conquest – and it wouldn’t have mattered.”
“It would have mattered to me.”
“And that’s the problem. My life means nothing to me, but now, yours means everything. How can I live this life day to day, knowing I could lose you? How can I be unbiased on missions, knowing what losing you would do to me? And dammit, Paul, now I know.”
Sighing again, she ran a hand through her hair, destroying her already dishevelled ponytail. “This life is difficult enough. I’m not interested in adding another complication.”
“You’re afraid.”
“You’re damned right I’m afraid.” She stopped, suddenly aware of what she’d said, of what she’d given away. “I will not live in fear.”
“We live in fear every day of our lives. What makes this so different?”
Madeline didn’t respond immediately. Standing, she paced in front of her desk, taking a few steps towards him, before pausing once more. She was looking for answers; of that there was no doubt. Her face betrayed her struggle: pain apparent in her eyes, confusion in the furrow of her brow. She was trying to come to terms with something she didn’t understand.
That made two of them.
“I lost control…”
The words had come out so quickly and so quietly that they barely registered. As Paul met her eye, she repeated them again, only slightly more audibly than the first time. “I lost control…At Ryker’s.”
“It always comes back to control, doesn’t it?” Paul said angrily. Standing, he stalked towards her, forcing her back against the desk. She looked on in stunned silence, fear mixed with defiance in her eyes.
“It’s not the same this time.” Pushing him away, she crossed to the other side of the room. “It’s not about you.”
“Isn’t it?” She shook her head, but didn’t respond, so he continued. “So tell me, what is it about?”
“It’s about me, Paul. Me letting Ryker in too deep... You know the profile, but… when I thought you were dead – every touch, every caress…I yearned for it, Paul, craved it like a drug. Anything to fill the emptiness...” She paused, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. “I wanted him to take away the pain. Needed him so badly… It terrifies me that I wanted someone, anyone that much.”
“You needed comfort, Madeline. You found it wherever you could.” She began to turn away, her arms tightening still further across her chest. “Dammit, Madeline, you’re human. Admit it and move on.”
“I won’t lose myself again…”
“I’m not asking you to. I just want you to let me in. We can move past this – and we can move past what happened at Ryker’s.” At the mention of the latter, Madeline shuddered visibly. Hesitantly, Paul stepped forward, touching her arm gently. “Please.“
“No.” She shook him off, twisting her arm out of his reach. “I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“I – “
“Give in, Madeline,” he pleaded, not giving her time to reject him again. Gripping her by the upper arms, he forced her to meet his eyes. “We can do this.”
Slowly, her steadfast resolve began to fade. Her stance weakened, her arms falling to her sides. “It’s not that easy,” she said, shrugging against the grip of his arms.
“I’m not asking you to change everything for me,” he began, letting go of her arms and reaching up to stroke her cheek. “When we leave this room, you can be the cold-hearted bitch. But I don’t want to fight you anymore – not when we’re alone. When we’re alone, I want you to trust me. You promised me you’d try.”
“I did,” she whispered, her eyes turning towards the floor. “I shouldn’t have. It can’t be the way you want it.”
“You can’t love me?”
“I do love you.” Madeline looked up into Paul’s eyes, her confession once again bringing her to stunned silence. Her eyes narrowed in anger – she knew she’d been caught, and she had no clue how to get out of it.
“That’s all I want. And that’s what I’m offering you in return. My love. An escape, albeit temporary, from this hellhole.”
“It’s not that simple,” she snapped angrily. “This isn’t a movie, and it isn’t a romance novel. Love isn’t enough, Paul.”
“But it’s a damned good start, Madeline. It’s all we have.”
She was silent for a moment, as if considering, then she shook her head, meeting his gaze levelly. “It’s not worth the risks.”
For the second time in less than an hour, Paul flinched. Her cruelty continued to astound him; the way she masked her feelings behind even tones; the way a few words could knock the wind out of him. She was a formidable woman. And he knew enough to know when he’d lost a battle.
Clenching his fists at his sides, he walked into the foyer, turning back only once. She stood where he’d left her, in the centre of the room, staring off into the distance. Her body remained still, but for a moment, he thought he saw her shudder, as if fighting back tears.
The war wasn’t over yet.
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